I have been unwell lately with man flu and the self pity train rolled in and didn’t depart. That’s never good.

I took a few minutes to myself and I looked long and hard at what’s going on between HIM and me. The answer is nothing.

He can tell me I’m a friend, he can tell me he loves me, I can romanticise it all till I’m blue in the face but the reality is this:

Things he said to me, he’s telling other women. So I’m not special.

Communication is sketchy because he’s talking to other women who share the same sense of humour. So I’m not unique.

He says he’s not judgemental, but really he is, very much so and I can’t have live a life worrying if I’d please him or not. So I’m not enough for him.

I know I offer a shoulder, I tell people to get things off their chest, but that’s all I am to him. A sounding board because there is nothing else we can talk about other than him.

But recently I’ve had other friends in touch, and I realised that I am special, I am unique, I am more than a sounding board and I am enough. I love my personality, I love my sense of humour, I love being there for my friends but it’s nice when somebody asks how are you? And really wants to know.

I love watching a person smile or laugh because I’ve made it happen, I love looking at the person whose made me laugh & I love the flirty glances and the twinkles in the eyes, I love the feeling I get from real life hugs. Aren’t they the best? You get to feel the body heat against you, feel their heart beat, hear their voice timber close to your ear and you can breathe them in.

Can’t do that with a virtual hug now can you?

I love laughter, it’s been years since I had a real good hearty fit of laughter with genuine friends. Today was full of it.

So we can talk to people inside our little phones world and think we know them, we can think we’re special to them and mean the world to them, we can lose ourselves in translation of messages, statuses and quotes posted, but we cannot be defined by who these strangers think we are.

We are not how other people see us, we are not us because of other people either, we need to love ourselves, find our own happiness and define who we are for ourselves.

Don’t be too hard on yourself, you’re doing just fine. Do not let others define who you are when you are still learning who you are, every single day.

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Nobody is there. Ever!

lonely

This evening on social media, a post was up on one of the groups I follow. The person asked if they were the only one who felt like a lonely soul?

I guess we are all lonely souls. In a day and age where everyone doesn’t talk to each other than using some form of mobile device, where instant gratification is demanded and even in groups with friends, socialising, conversation and enjoying each other’s company is simply a dying art, is it any surprise then that we are hitting problems with loneliness and mental health issues.

After my divorce, I lost a lot of my friends. I know that the few that I still had left after I met my ex and had my second child. Autism has played a HUGE factor in my life in ruining friendships and social circles. When people ask you to hang out, you can’t, when you’re asked to catch up for a meal, you can’t. when you’re asked to go to the pub for an evening. you can’t. Every single time you say i’m sorry, I can’t make it. they had enough.

Nobody ever said, well if you can’t come to us, we can come to you. Nobody ever said “why don’t we babysit and you can get a night out” Nobody ever helped. So EVERYBODY left.

I got used to that. Over the years of being a single parent again I got used to my own company. When my ex and I split I said I wouldn’t let another soul get close.

I think this is part of my problem with HIM. He got in. He made me feel like I was before autism became a huge destruction in my life. HE made me laugh again. Genuinely made me laugh. Do you know, as a ASD family, how rare it is for a parent, to have something to make you laugh….. something JUST FOR YOURSELF!?! isn’t that really selfish? and fuck me, that’s just simply sad! How sad is my life that I feel selfish for having ONE fucking friend who I can honestly say I’m extremely fond of and HE makes me laugh!

Is this mother’s guilt? is that what this is? am I just being a fucking twat and feel like I have to be the martyr? I shut down. I know I did. I blocked out people, I won’t meet with people, I won’t let people get close to me again because I know I won’t cope. I won’t cope with giving my all, being everything I am, giving everything I have, loving someone with all my heart and soul for them to walk away again.

I built the walls high. I kept myself from meeting new people. I dove into social media, I created my world there. In the real life I’m mum. On my phone, I’m me. I’m free. I’m still mummy, of course I am, I wouldn’t have it any other way, but on my phone I’m the person who loves music. I love laughter, I love having a dirty fucking perverted sense of humour, I’m crass, I’m loud, I’m shy, I’m helpful, I’m caring, I’m there yet not attached.

Twice now though I’ve got talking to two guys, both have left holes in the walls. They found the cracks and little by little they broke them wider and I didn’t feel just as lonely. I didn’t feel like I wasn’t enough, I didn’t feel like I was worthless. But then, one left. He just stopped talking. Now HE will end up doing the same. I will lose him and I can say I want him to be happy, I want him to meet the love of his life, I want him to have everything he deserves and yet I want that to be with me.

It will NEVER FUCKING HAPPEN!

I am not what he wants.

I’m not anywhere close to him

neither of us could give up where we are to be closer together even if we did want to be together.

and yet even when I’m lonely,  when I don’t talk to anybody else in the day, when I’m totally alone, when he phones, I’m me. I can relax, I can laugh, he makes me happy and smile and when the phone call ends the loneliness creeps around me like a black cloak and tightens it’s grip around my arms.

Next month is G’s first year death anniversary.

I have found that I’m thinking about him a lot recently. I sat at his funeral to give my goodbyes. I listened to his friends and family talk. I saw the smiles, heard the laughter, i shared with their sadness and shed my own tears. I listened to the stories and jokes. I heard words of love. It’s made me think, who will come to my funeral? who will have any stories to tell? who will say “I wish I told her I loved her” or “I wish I made more of an effort to get in touch”… who will care?

If in life, I am not enough, I am sure that in death I will be unworthy too. Is that what G felt? Did he feel like he was incredibly lonely? was his black dog his only companion even though he was a parent, and he obviously had friends and family who loved him?

How can we have people in our lives yet feel heart breakingly alone? Why can we not tell our family and friends we feel alone in the world? is it shame? is it because we don’t want to look like we’re failures? do we not want to see pity?

 

I can’t slam social media. for the past 20 years its been a vital part of my social networking. without it, I’d totally be on my own. I have met some fantastic people because of it. some of my longest friendships are virtual ones. I love my circle deeply, but I just worry that even though I know I have friends, I’m still truly alone.

I don’t have anybody to cuddle up with, I don’t have someone come home from their work day, slap my ass, kiss my mouth while holding my face in their hands and make me go weak before they ask me how was my day. I don’t have anybody to curl up on the sofa with, while they’ve made me a cuppa and I don’t have anybody to have lazy mornings with. I don’t have anybody who will want to see me walk down the aisle towards them, I don’t have anybody who wants me to have their name. I don’t have anybody whose proud to have me, I don’t have anybody who when asked how’s life will say she’s perfect.

A person doesn’t need to have just sex for a connection. There is something to be said for the companionship, the laughter, the hand holding. the sipping a cuppa in each other’s company and not needing to say anything, just knowing they’re there. That look they give you when they see after a long hard day and you’re like a soothing balm. when they need support and encouragement and trust you to hold them when they don’t really want to ask, when they are sprawled out on the sofa totally relaxed and you can sit on the floor infront of them watching telly and you can feel their fingers slide softly over your neck and they play with your hair. When you are pulled into tight bear hugs and they sniff your neck, or they lean up against the door jam and watch you put clothes away and silently walk over to you and just give you a kiss on the forehead…. or when you are both curled up in to each other in bed, soft whispers, cheeky smiles, and tired eyes, and before you drift over you hear “night baby” and feel his kiss.

I won’t get the anniversaries. I won’t get the date nights, or the spontaneous dates and crazy couple adventures. I won’t have the couple living together shit because I’m alone. And nobody wants me.

I won’t use the excuse of the kids, I won’t even use the excuse of having autism in the family because there are plenty of single parent families out there with teenagers and autism or other forms of disabilities and they have found their soulmates. So it has to be something wrong with me.

Nobody is there for me. why? if all people have to go on is my personality I must really be shit. Because nobody loves me for me. nobody is there to say “let’s go out” nobody is there to stroke my neck and give me forehead kisses.

I am alone.

I will be alone

and I will probably die alone.

 

Isn’t self fucking pity totally shite! Like what the actual living fuck?! why can I have a whole post all fucking woe be me and I know I am good person. I love. I care. I share. I support. I laugh. I hug. I make a mean fucking cup of tea! I am a good person. I am solid. I am loyal, faithful, loving, supportive. So what the fuck is wrong with me?

This bout of self pity and woe fucking me better knock itself on the head soon because I swear, it’s shattering my fucking soul.

I always said I wasn’t depressed but it’s times like this I do fucking wonder!

not enough

We always offer a shoulder and tell others we are there for them and that’s great. Never change that, because, you may be the only person that’s ever offered help to somebody and that can be a huge game changer for them. But, if you are that person, then who is there for you?

Who do you have that gives you the same support as you give?

Who sits on the phone and lets you get everything on off your chest? Who knocks on your door after driving over an hour, with a box of tissues and bottles of booze? Who tell you it’s going to be ok? who gives you the bear hug? who gives you the support?

If you are the “strong” one, then why can’t you stop the barrage of emotions? why can’t you stop yourself from getting too attached? why can’t you learn that when someone is being nice to you, telling you what you want to hear is because that’s what they are needing to hear, they don’t mean it.

How do we stop feeling our heart’s breaking into smithereens? and if we can’t stop it from happening, why don’t we want to heal back stronger and more wiser? Is it not a sad day when you have to tell yourself not to care as much, not to get emotionally attached. not to make yourself vulnerable.

What if I’m simply tired with the huge walls I’ve built around me to protect me from getting hurt in the first place and realised I didn’t do such a great job of it after all. What was built tall wasn’t solid. Those cracks let enough of others in to break me anyway.

So now my Saturday night is spend wallowing in self pity. I’ll cry in bed tonight again. I’ll hide away from social media, not wanting to see, but knowing like a car accident, you can’t stop yourself from looking, and I’ll torture my soul even more.

All the pain. I’ve brought it on myself. I knew he didn’t feel the same way and yet I hoped. I want to do nothing but break down and cry and I can’t because I’m still on mum duty and I will not let the kids see me upset. I feel stupid, angry with myself and it’s times like this I wish we never connected at all but then I am glad that we did because I have found part of my old sass back again. I didn’t have that for such a long time. Why can’t that be enough for me to hold on too, for me? just me.

because maybe at the end of the day, no matter what I say or what I do I really am not enough.

 

not enough

 

 

 

I can feel it breaking

💔🙏🏻

I knew we were just friends. I tried to convince myself that I’d rather him in my life as a friend than not have him in my life at all. He told me that he didn’t feel anything for me. He told me that when he meets somebody we can still talk because there’s nothing between us.

I accepted that.

And yet when he tells me about the women he meets, gets talking to, asks out for a date, I get jealous. But this recent one, the girl he works with, she’s stunning. She’s on his doorstep and I’ve got no chance.

He seems to really like her. I’m now becoming a second thought. So, I done what every female done. I broke. I curled up and let all pain roll down my cheeks with heavy fat sobs. I’ve cried that much I’ve a sore head, I feel ill and I’m exhausted.

It’s not very often we find a person who can remind us of who we are before life turned shit. It’s not very often we find someone who makes us feel like it’s perfectly ok to be real. be ourselves. That we aren’t conscious of what we think are our flaws, from a too loud laugh, how we talk, what we say, how we feel, it’s all open, it’s honest.

Whoever he ends up with, I hope they cherish the guy that he is. I hope they get turned on by his laughter. They fall in love with his sleepy voice. They feel worshipped. I’ll always have how he made me laugh and made me feel like me again. That’s priceless.

He’s not mine to loose but my heart is breaking wide open anyway.

All the butterflies are dying painfully.

But our hearts mend right, maybe never perfectly, but they’ll continue to beat stronger.

I just need to let go.

Single parenthood

 

There are times when I miss being in a relationship. It’s not about the sex (ok, it’s not JUST about the sex) but the other ways to connect to a person. I miss waking up in the morning and starting my day off with snuggles and kisses behind my ear with my guy pulling me in closer to his chest. I miss the sleepy morning voices waking up and talking about what our day holds. I miss wrapping my legs and arms around a guy and telling him “5 more minutes” just so I can breathe him in and I miss the growl of contentment just before it changes to a growl of annoyance cause the snooze button’s went off again.

I miss the holding hands and bum slaps, I miss hearing his laughter linger loudly as his kiss can still be felt on my lips as he walks out the door. I miss coming home to somebody. I miss being able to walk towards my guy and see that he’s had a really hard day and just give him a hug and say hi. I miss the tracing of my fingers over his back while he’s concentrating on something or while he washes the dishes and I dry. I miss finding out what his day had in store for him and telling him about mine. I miss being able to vent to someone and tell them I don’t need help or anything fixed, and them know I just need to offload and I can trust them with my emotions.

I miss seeing my kids with a father figure. To know that feeling of a daddy wrapping his arms around their bodies and holding them till they can breathe in calm. I miss it. HIM. THEE GUY. and the saddest thing above it all, is that I know I won’t ever experience it. I won’t have it in my life.

But here’s what I love….

  • I love when my two teenagers bombard me in my bed and make me laugh.
  • I love being able to have a problem and know I can figure out a solution.. it may just take me a bit longer to do it.
  • I love being able to close my front door at night and know my children are not in a family where they hide in their rooms because I’m arguing with “dad”.
  • I love that I can double the love and I get double the pride when the kids knock life outta the park.
  • I love the hugs my daughter gives me
  • I love the forehead kisses my son gives me
  • I love that I don’t feel like I have to walk on eggshells not knowing what “mood” was going to walk through the door.
  • I love that I don’t have football on my telly!
  • I love that I fight for my kids, be it from medical personnel to the education board. This mamma’s a bear when needs to be.
  • I love that I have my independence.
  • I love that I can give myself toe curling orgasms and catch my own damn breath

I may not have the social life I always envisioned I’d have and social media is my gateway to adult conversation without having to leave the house, because I can’t.  It annoys me though that guys seem to think that because I’m a single parent and I’m a mum, that I seem to use social media to get dick.

Am I alone in this ???

If I wanted to see dick pics I’d watch porn. If I wanted to meet up for sex I’d go pull a guy in a bar. If I wanted to be dominated and controlled I’d find myself a dom!

Why do people think that because you’re single, you’re automatically desperate for some action when you are online?

Can’t a girl just meet new people on social media and talk, simply enjoy the conversation and have a laugh?

At times I wonder is it me? is it because I have a dirty mind I can turn a normal conversation in to that one you don’t want your parents to read? Is it because I like to laugh so guys think you’re flirting to get laid rather than that’s just who you are?

And then what happens when you do meet the guy you really click with and he’s nowhere near you and you just have social media and phone calls and emails and you know you’re never going to meet so you feel your heart breaking knowing that at some point you’re going to loose your friendship because he’s going to meet someone closer to him and they’re going to live an amazing life together and you’re still alone. Without him.

When I get to that part, and self pity kicks in, I get so angry with myself because I’m supposed to be stronger than that. I’m not supposed to get attached. I’m the person everyone comes to, to get advice and feel better about themselves before they leave and find someone else

But I am not weak. I am but only human. I can make mistakes as I would if I was in a relationship or still single. I can break down and feel the world on my shoulders. I can pick myself up and stand with my spine straight too. I can cry myself to sleep at night and wake up the next day with red puffy eyes and still put on my mascara and take on the day ahead.

I can fight and argue with everyone, both in the real world and online, I can say sorry when I make a mistake and I can fight my corner when I know I am right and didn’t do wrong. I can clothe my kids, feed them. Provide a warm roof over their heads and get them an education. I can take them to their social events and being them back and keep them safe. I can do that. I can do all that while still looking after everybody else and not lose my head.

I can do that.

I can look after people when they are ill. I can offer a shoulder for support for them to have somebody in their corner while I’m in the middle of cooking dinner and washing dishes while waiting for the kids to get a bath and feed the dog. I can do the mulitasking.

I can be mum. I can be dad. I can be them both at the same time. it’s not fucking easy but I can do it!

I can do with autism thrown in the mix.

I can do it with the fear of cancer and biopsy’s thrown in the mix

I can do it with two elderly parents who need looked after too thrown in the mix

So when I go online and I start to talk to somebody, I don’t need a man to tell me he’s looking for love and wants to know more about me, especially if he’s from another country, because for once, YOU have to be better than ME!

and there’s not too many who have the balls big enough to take me on.

So while I can dream of the lovely guy in the lovely relationship, as much as I want REAL and not PERFECT, they are both the same difference and I’ll not get either.

There’s a meme that says

“Don’t shower me with money, I can finance myself. Shower me with loyalty instead”

Amen to that.

Now that’s this single’s parents dream, along with being the little spoon!

 

 

 

Blues

Do you ever get the blues? But it’s like you can physically feel the hurt inside your chest, like you can literally feel your heart breaking?

Today I am having it hard. I miss HIM. We don’t get to talk as much and I know he’s talking to other girls whose closer to him and who he has more in common with but he made me feel like me again and now I’m going to have to find a way to get that feeling for myself without him because he’s getting closer to the day when he’s gonna meet somebody and I’ll be forgotten.

It hurts.

I’m sad

I want the pain to stop.

How can I love somebody who was never mine in the first place

stuck in slumber

I didn’t want to move. Lying in bed I was in that spot, you know, the comfy warm spot and if you move an inch the rest of the bed is cold. I could hear his low laughter when he tried to move me and I resisted. I told him to stop laughing at me. There’s that low laughter again. Ass!

I could feel the dip in the mattress. he’s got up without me. he’s such a babe. letting me lie on for a while. my breathing evening out again as slumber pulls me under.

I can smell him. the mixture of his skin, his aftershave and soap, him. it’s my favourite smell. he makes me feel safe and secure, when I smell him I know he’ll be close by and keep an eye out for me. It’s not that he doesn’t think I can’t, he knows I’m more than capable to looking after myself but it’s because he wants to. I feel his fingers sliding faintly along my arm, he’s pulling me out of my sleep again slowly. I can feel the dip of the mattress as he’s lying down behind me.

He pulls my hair away from my neck. oh the tease, he knows that’s my weak spot. the feel of his warm breath just blowing gently along my skin. Can he see the goosebumps rising up? he knows though, his cheeky chappy snigger is close to my ear as he feels the goosebumps rise under his lips as he brushes them softly over my neck and around to my ear. I just want him to move his hand, tuck it under my arm so it’s up along my chest, my breast in his calloused hand as he licks and kisses around my neck and ear, sending those delicious chills down my spine.

I can’t wake up though, i’m caught in the bubble of in between. I’m not sleeping but i’m not awake either. I can feel my body react to his touch, his smell. he knows his laughter to me is a turn on. I want to turn over, face him and slowly move my fingers over his face, trace my fingernails softly along his stubble from his ears down along his jaw line to his chin, walking my fingers to his lips and wanting to lean in kiss him slowly. taste his mouth.

I want to throw my leg over his hip and tuck my ankle in between his legs. entwined together. body heat flowing and I would care less about the cold spot in the bed.

I move my arm behind me and reach for him. I can’t feel him.  I run my hand down along the edge of my own body and the bed is cold.

Immediately I wake up and slowly roll over to face where I long for him to be.

I’m alone and he was never there, but the dream, he’s so real.

Every time, he’s so real.

I’ll break my own heart longing for him. we’ll never be, but he’s who I want.

Attraction & being ready

I know where I stand with HIM, I really do, I’m the girl he can speak to on the phone and have a laugh, or tell me what’s on his mind and think things through with. We’re friends, that’s it, and honestly? I’m very happy that we are.

But (there’s always a but right??) I do like him. I love the sound of his laugh. it’s rich and hearty and makes me smile even more. I love his sleepy voice, it’s raspy and gives me goosebumps. I like the shape of his mouth & when he has a little gruff around his jawline, I like his eyes which I can only imagine get so much darker when he’s turned on. I love the dip in his collarbones and I love his tattoo (obviously) His fun line and the fact that his hands are sooo much bigger than mine. He gives you the impression he would wrap you up in his arms he’d protect you from the world but with both our dirty minds there would definitely be nothing vanilla.

When he tells  me he’s talking to other women my tummy drops. I’ll be honest, I get jealous, I have absolutely no need to, he doesn’t feel anything for me, he wants to meet someone and settle down and I’m sooooo not what he’s wanting, I guess as much as I’d like to meet someone too and we hit it off, he’s only ever gonna be a friend.

My walls have been up for so long now, I’ve locked my life behind them and used them as an excuse to never want to meet somebody. Guys have chatted and we have had a laugh but I never got the connection. no click. was that because I didn’t want to put myself out there? I’m 39 soon and I don’t want to live my life on my own.

Maybe HE has taught me that I’m ready to possibly put myself out there. I just need to take this time and get myself healthy, get the business finally up and running and then, we’ll see what happens.

I hope for both our sakes, we find the happiness we want but can still be friends.

HE’s one that I definitely don’t want to lose.

 

laughter is good for the soul

 

Last year went out on good terms. When I look back at the laughter I had I want to have more of that this year.  I’m also focusing more on the work side of things. With my birthday this month i’m using it as a goal. 52 weeks to build my clients and business. and my final goal is to finally focus on loving me. I cannot give others the ability to crush my spirits. I’m too stubborn for that shite.

So let’s see what happens, what connections are made and how many good times are clocked over the next lot of months.

what are you hoping for in 2018. Comment and let me know x

 

2018

So we can kiss goodbye to 2017.

What did your year teach you or inspire you to take into 2018?

I wish you all a very Happy New Year. I hope you got to spend it with your loved ones, friends or those closest to you. If you spent it on your own, I send you a virtual hug for the new year celebrations and I wish that your months ahead are filled with deep belly laughs, great tasting food, washed down with thirst quenching drinks, that you have clean clothes to wear, a warm bed to sleep in, a safe home to have shelter within. I wish you many great conversations with people, I hope you dance like nobody’s watching, sing louder, smile at everybody and cheer up their day and let’s have an amazing year! Mm’Kay xx