This evening on social media, a post was up on one of the groups I follow. The person asked if they were the only one who felt like a lonely soul?
I guess we are all lonely souls. In a day and age where everyone doesn’t talk to each other than using some form of mobile device, where instant gratification is demanded and even in groups with friends, socialising, conversation and enjoying each other’s company is simply a dying art, is it any surprise then that we are hitting problems with loneliness and mental health issues.
After my divorce, I lost a lot of my friends. I know that the few that I still had left after I met my ex and had my second child. Autism has played a HUGE factor in my life in ruining friendships and social circles. When people ask you to hang out, you can’t, when you’re asked to catch up for a meal, you can’t. when you’re asked to go to the pub for an evening. you can’t. Every single time you say i’m sorry, I can’t make it. they had enough.
Nobody ever said, well if you can’t come to us, we can come to you. Nobody ever said “why don’t we babysit and you can get a night out” Nobody ever helped. So EVERYBODY left.
I got used to that. Over the years of being a single parent again I got used to my own company. When my ex and I split I said I wouldn’t let another soul get close.
I think this is part of my problem with HIM. He got in. He made me feel like I was before autism became a huge destruction in my life. HE made me laugh again. Genuinely made me laugh. Do you know, as a ASD family, how rare it is for a parent, to have something to make you laugh….. something JUST FOR YOURSELF!?! isn’t that really selfish? and fuck me, that’s just simply sad! How sad is my life that I feel selfish for having ONE fucking friend who I can honestly say I’m extremely fond of and HE makes me laugh!
Is this mother’s guilt? is that what this is? am I just being a fucking twat and feel like I have to be the martyr? I shut down. I know I did. I blocked out people, I won’t meet with people, I won’t let people get close to me again because I know I won’t cope. I won’t cope with giving my all, being everything I am, giving everything I have, loving someone with all my heart and soul for them to walk away again.
I built the walls high. I kept myself from meeting new people. I dove into social media, I created my world there. In the real life I’m mum. On my phone, I’m me. I’m free. I’m still mummy, of course I am, I wouldn’t have it any other way, but on my phone I’m the person who loves music. I love laughter, I love having a dirty fucking perverted sense of humour, I’m crass, I’m loud, I’m shy, I’m helpful, I’m caring, I’m there yet not attached.
Twice now though I’ve got talking to two guys, both have left holes in the walls. They found the cracks and little by little they broke them wider and I didn’t feel just as lonely. I didn’t feel like I wasn’t enough, I didn’t feel like I was worthless. But then, one left. He just stopped talking. Now HE will end up doing the same. I will lose him and I can say I want him to be happy, I want him to meet the love of his life, I want him to have everything he deserves and yet I want that to be with me.
It will NEVER FUCKING HAPPEN!
I am not what he wants.
I’m not anywhere close to him
neither of us could give up where we are to be closer together even if we did want to be together.
and yet even when I’m lonely, when I don’t talk to anybody else in the day, when I’m totally alone, when he phones, I’m me. I can relax, I can laugh, he makes me happy and smile and when the phone call ends the loneliness creeps around me like a black cloak and tightens it’s grip around my arms.
Next month is G’s first year death anniversary.
I have found that I’m thinking about him a lot recently. I sat at his funeral to give my goodbyes. I listened to his friends and family talk. I saw the smiles, heard the laughter, i shared with their sadness and shed my own tears. I listened to the stories and jokes. I heard words of love. It’s made me think, who will come to my funeral? who will have any stories to tell? who will say “I wish I told her I loved her” or “I wish I made more of an effort to get in touch”… who will care?
If in life, I am not enough, I am sure that in death I will be unworthy too. Is that what G felt? Did he feel like he was incredibly lonely? was his black dog his only companion even though he was a parent, and he obviously had friends and family who loved him?
How can we have people in our lives yet feel heart breakingly alone? Why can we not tell our family and friends we feel alone in the world? is it shame? is it because we don’t want to look like we’re failures? do we not want to see pity?
I can’t slam social media. for the past 20 years its been a vital part of my social networking. without it, I’d totally be on my own. I have met some fantastic people because of it. some of my longest friendships are virtual ones. I love my circle deeply, but I just worry that even though I know I have friends, I’m still truly alone.
I don’t have anybody to cuddle up with, I don’t have someone come home from their work day, slap my ass, kiss my mouth while holding my face in their hands and make me go weak before they ask me how was my day. I don’t have anybody to curl up on the sofa with, while they’ve made me a cuppa and I don’t have anybody to have lazy mornings with. I don’t have anybody who will want to see me walk down the aisle towards them, I don’t have anybody who wants me to have their name. I don’t have anybody whose proud to have me, I don’t have anybody who when asked how’s life will say she’s perfect.
A person doesn’t need to have just sex for a connection. There is something to be said for the companionship, the laughter, the hand holding. the sipping a cuppa in each other’s company and not needing to say anything, just knowing they’re there. That look they give you when they see after a long hard day and you’re like a soothing balm. when they need support and encouragement and trust you to hold them when they don’t really want to ask, when they are sprawled out on the sofa totally relaxed and you can sit on the floor infront of them watching telly and you can feel their fingers slide softly over your neck and they play with your hair. When you are pulled into tight bear hugs and they sniff your neck, or they lean up against the door jam and watch you put clothes away and silently walk over to you and just give you a kiss on the forehead…. or when you are both curled up in to each other in bed, soft whispers, cheeky smiles, and tired eyes, and before you drift over you hear “night baby” and feel his kiss.
I won’t get the anniversaries. I won’t get the date nights, or the spontaneous dates and crazy couple adventures. I won’t have the couple living together shit because I’m alone. And nobody wants me.
I won’t use the excuse of the kids, I won’t even use the excuse of having autism in the family because there are plenty of single parent families out there with teenagers and autism or other forms of disabilities and they have found their soulmates. So it has to be something wrong with me.
Nobody is there for me. why? if all people have to go on is my personality I must really be shit. Because nobody loves me for me. nobody is there to say “let’s go out” nobody is there to stroke my neck and give me forehead kisses.
I am alone.
I will be alone
and I will probably die alone.
Isn’t self fucking pity totally shite! Like what the actual living fuck?! why can I have a whole post all fucking woe be me and I know I am good person. I love. I care. I share. I support. I laugh. I hug. I make a mean fucking cup of tea! I am a good person. I am solid. I am loyal, faithful, loving, supportive. So what the fuck is wrong with me?
This bout of self pity and woe fucking me better knock itself on the head soon because I swear, it’s shattering my fucking soul.
I always said I wasn’t depressed but it’s times like this I do fucking wonder!