Judgement makes you wary

The drama continued yesterday when I was on social media and got a message, as if nothing ever happened.

Er, sorry, no!

You flip on me a 180 and then decide to flip back with no explanation and expect me to just carry on as if nowt happened? Don’t think so. 

Even tho I was mad, I didn’t loose it completely. Well, sitting in a coffee shop with black tears cuz the bastard made ye cry (again) wasn’t not loosing it completely but I didn’t go psycho!! I was just so hurt.

Eventually I got the reason for the personality change, which to be honest, kinda hurt me more, it was all judgement. I got an apology and I’ll chat again, but I’m very wary of what I say now. Don’t want anything to be used against me or taken out of context. That’s sad tho, right?

One thing is for sure, that was a major, MAJOR screw up on his part and that’s his only chance. Next time I won’t be so forgiving 

What did I say about trusting your gut?

Oh what a difference a couple of days make.

So HE hadn’t been in touch and I decided to drop a quick message just to say hey and see how he was. I got slammed!!

Over the course of two days with no contact he has done a complete 180 and totally freaked out with me for whatever god known reason he’s thought of. And it hurts!

After we spoke about everything beforehand, told our stories, HE now has it in his head that I am the worst in the world. I am the enemy. 

I’ve just been myself. I was honest, I tried to help, I listened when he was angry and needed to vent, I gave up my time to be there for him, yet it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough. And for whatever reason, the friendship we’d built wasn’t enough. I have absolutely no idea why he turned. What happened?

I asked. He ignored. 

I’m walking away. I refuse to chase after people. I will not let him break me anymore. I will not cry any more tears over a person who doesn’t deserve them. He will never know the pain he’s caused me. 

I’ve dealt with worse bastards who couldn’t break me. And I won’t change being the kind of friend I am just because he didn’t appreciate me. 

I hope he gets the happiness and life that he wants so badly, maybe then he’ll find peace with himself and learn not to be a Grade A Bastard!

Silence speaks volumes….

When I am asked for advice, my usual thing I end up saying is “Trust your gut, because your head overthinks everything, your heart yearns for everything but your gut, that’s true instinct and normally it’s never wrong”.

Today my gut is fluttering with nervous butterflies. HE hasn’t been in touch now in over 24 hours which is soooo out of sorts for him lately but I don’t want to come across as being too pushy or forward but texting him first to see what’s wrong. NOWT could be wrong ffs, he’s more than likely just doing his job and knackered by the time he gets home and just wants a few days peace and quiet.

But it’s made me think…. Why do people befriend us and then whenever we serve whatever purpose we posed for them, obviously not true friendship, they leave? And they do it like a sneaky bastard. They just stop all contact!!! show yer balls and just say “Hey, sorry but I don’t have time to have you in my life” or “you know what, we just don’t gel” or even “i’m a selfish fucker whose got what i needed, now cheerio!”.  Jumpin’ crickets that’s better than the radio silence. Don’t worry though, you fuckwits, your silence speaks volumes about the type of person YOU are and not us decent folk who unlike you, aren’t arrogant, ignorant plebs!

I used to think it was me. Honestly. I’m one of those girls that people come to when they need something. I’m the one what drops my life to help them with theirs. They say that if you think about it, you still care. I don’t want to care, but I do. Not that my language choice today is not reflecting me in a good tone I know, but I should fucking care. That’s who I am. I care. I worry.

My last best friend went to hell and on her way back cut me out of her life completely. NO CONTACT whatsoever, outta the blue, one day we’re chatting away as normal. the next. BAM! It was like i didn’t exist.

I won’t lie, it hurt me something shocking and it took me a long time to get over it. I wondered what the hell I had done wrong. had I said something out of place? had a I forgotten something really important? but no, she got from me whatever she needed and has never spoken to me since. Now though, looking back, I can say i really shouldn’t have been surprised. I had gave her all my attention, helped her out as much as I could and the second I put my own families needs first, everything changed. My kids come before friends. end of.

 

I had another friend who made me feel like the old me I’d lost over the years from making the wrong choice in men. I lost who I was, I didn’t have my meaning of what my life was supposed to be. I was drifting…. he stopped me though. He built up my confidence, he helped me when I struggled, he listened. he encouraged and shared the laughter in my success, he listened when I was angry and showed my fear, he settled me when my nerves became too much and he talked me off the ledge.  He made me laugh, he made me see me again. the me that I was growing up into before I lost her. Then one night we’re on the phone, you know those calls, where you have so much to talk about and then there’s a change. there’s awkward pauses, there’s long silences, and you know you’ve both just breathed a sigh of relief when the call has ended yet you’re still wondering what the hell just happened? He’s left too.

I thought then why should I chase people? fuck, nobody ever chases me? I lift and I lay, but nobody fucking ever says to me, “Hey, fancy meeting up for lunch?” or “Just a call/text to see how your day is going, you need anything?”… no, THAT’S ME!!!!

I never say no.

I am the one that worries & cares, I’m the one who would love the magic wand to make everybody else feel fucking fantastic. I’m the one who moves heaven and earth to help where and when I can. so should I let the bastards who in the end ignore me, change me?

Should i stop asking “how are you?”

Should I stop saying “text me to let me know you’ve got home ok”

Should I stop  letting others know “you’re important”

Should I stop going to those who need it and say “i’m going to hug you now!”

Should I be cold and distant like those arrogant shites

Should I be angry with the world

Should I stop being me?

FUCK NO!

Take yer silence that speaks volumes about YOU and I’ll make all the fucking noise in the world to those who deserve ME! Even if that’s just myself!

I can’t hear you anymore

Hey baby, 

It’s that time of year again & I have my grief that fills me up. I can’t believe it’s been 17 years since you died but my grief comes in waves along with our memories. 

I remember our conversations, esp our last. I remember the phone call. I remember the heartbreaking pain. I remember the nightmares. Your death broke me. I’ve never grieved like that for anybody, not before you and definitely not after you. 

The bit that’s upset me the most recently is I can’t hear your voice in my head anymore. I know you had a deep timber but the actual tone is just out of my reach. Is that awfully wrong? How can I not remember? It doesn’t mean you don’t mean as much to me now as you did back then, but I’m sorry baby, it’s like I can hear your voice on the phone but it’s muffled, distorted. That breaks my heart all over again. 

You’d be so proud of my girl, I wish you could have been around to see her grow up. I know I would have definitely needed your shoulder to cry on during the hard times. And you never got to meet my boy, you would have fallen in love with him. He would have made you laugh so much. Oh god, do I miss you terribly. 

I know I have other male friends but baby you have that special place in my heart and nobody will ever replace it. It’s the shattered part that never healed. But although it’s in a million pieces, it’s a million pieces of you, your words, your laugh, how you made me feel, the butterflies, our late night conversations, your photos and smell and much much more. 

I miss your advice. You would be pissed with me for some of my recent choices,  I get it, that’s why I not making the same mistake twice. But baby, this guy, he makes me laugh like you did, he makes me feel like you did, he gave me new butterflies too. I think you would like him, he accepts my life, my responsibility and he checks in like you did. Every day. Every night. 

I have my walls so high tho, I can’t fall deep again like I did, I’ve been hurt too much. I know, stop telling me off and giving me the side eye! I know you’re right, I know I need to let people in or I’ll grow old on my own, yes we both know that’s not what I want, I know life is too short but I’m not ready.

I miss you. I miss your voice. I wish I could phone you one more time just to hear you, your laugh, telling me to be safe.

I’m sorry baby, I truly am. 17 years on and I still feel like I put the scuds on you. If I could change our conversation I would never have told you to keep it between the hedges. It hurts so much still, knowing those were my last words. So once again, 17 years on I’ll tell you now, I hope your riding with the legends in the sky, I hope you have peace & I love you always xoxoxo

What would you do…….

What would you do if you had an unlimited magic wand for a day?

I would:

  • Cure cancer and all illness
  • Give the homeless a home, a job and a new chance at life
  • take away the pain and struggles my family and friends are facing
  • make sure every single child in the world had a loving family
  • have all children with special needs accepted in today’s society without bullying or hatred
  • create my dream studio for my job.
  • have only positive thoughts about myself
  • make sure I would know how to turn my weaknesses into strengths
  • make myself more confident and have higher self esteem over how I look
  • magic away my cysts and tumour so I could be healthy
  • make myself be enough

 

 

 

 

This is gonna hurt!

Do you ever start talking to somebody and they really are apt for a specific time in your life and after a while you have to admit to yourself they mean something, you have feelings for them? 

A few years back, I made friends with a guy. He really became a huge part of my life then as he was so supportive and encouraging.  It wasn’t that long after I’d split from my long term partner so I suppose I wasn’t in a place where I was very secure in myself. His words of encouragement were what I needed and we spoke somewhat regularly. He totally floored me. I became hooked. He ticked all my boxes and honestly he was a godsend at a time when I thought I was at my lowest.

It took me a long long time to finally have my heart and head reading off the same hymn sheet. It would never ever be anything more. He wasn’t attracted to me. He has his own life. We would never have been able to make it work even if he was interested and so I let go. And now it’s like he’s distanced himself completely and we don’t talk. Isn’t that sad how we click with people & yet sometimes they don’t stay part of your life. 

My lesson was learnt.  I learnt that I could indeed feel strong emotions again for a guy. I could learn to trust. I could be genuinely happy.


For the past few months now I’ve been chatting to another friend. He’s been going through a bit of a rough patch and we chat to help him clear his head. As it turns out, we’re now on the phone every single day or we txt every single day. Tonight he phoned before he went to sleep. He sounded exhausted so our convo wasn’t too long but I realised I really, really like his sleepy tone, like seriously, I just wanted to bite my lip and listen to his sleepy tone all night.  

I’ve grown to love his laugh & he genuinely makes me laugh.  I worry about him when he’s on his way home after a long shift. When I reread his messages I can’t stop the smile spread across my face. He takes a genuine interest in the kids and me. He calls or texts me every night, I get a txt every morning. He’s such a nice bloke. He gives me butterflies in my tummy. He makes me feel like I can believe in the magic.  He’s a cutie too with deep chocolate eyes, which is so totally not my norm! 

This is gonna hurt me big time when it ends. He’s gonna meet somebody closer to him and she’s not gonna want him chatting to me. He’s lives to far away, has his own life to lead there and all this will end. Of course it will, I’m no daft. I wouldn’t expect it to. But if I feel like I’m falling already…… I can’t be right? Yet I fall asleep every night, he’s in my dreams. I wake up he’s my first thought, I check my phone first thing for his messages, we talk for hours about everything and nothing. He is like my other friend but more, he’s sooooooo much more.

He makes me feel like being me is ok. 

He encourages me to speak out & be heard

He makes me wanna be a better person.

He inspires me.

He likes my weirdness 

He makes me giggle and again when I think of him.

This is gonna hurt

Shit! 

so much head fuckage in the world.

judgement quote

ANYONE who knows me, knows I hate getting my photograph taken. When it is taken, my anxiety levels rise, I get a rush of adrenaline and my heart rate spikes..NONE of this is good. I’m not a stunner, I’m not pretty. I am thee most judgemental person over myself more than anybody else.

I keep it a rule that I do not put ANY images up on my social media of myself unless I a: take them myself and b: like them. So last week, we had friends over to our side of the pond for a holiday and they met us for the first time. My heart sank, all I could think about was how they perceived me.  It was made worse when they took my photo…. this sent me off on an anxiety spike, which couldn’t have happened at a worse time because my illness decided to flare up last week too so I was chewing pain meds like sweets. My body was swollen and in pain and even though I told them I didn’t like my photograph taken and NOT to put the images online, they’re up.

All week my anxiety has peeked, I’ve been feeling rough and if im honest i’m so embarrassed. Nobody gets it. Nobody understands how it feels.

On one hand, I’m independent and confident. I will tackle what’s threw at me and I don’t stand for any crap. With those I’m comfortable with, I’m me because they don’t judge me. but those people I can count on one hand. I have “friends” online,  they know me. They know the “real me” as in my personality, my morals, beliefs etc, but they don’t know me. They don’t see i’m left handed and yet still do things as a right handed person except write. They don’t see the things that make me who I am…. because I don’t let them.

There was an advert online a few months back, which showed a ladies clothes shop. They had customers come in and they read the clothing labels. These ladies were horrified by what they read. The labels were body shaming, degrading, sad and angry. These labels were our inner thoughts about how we look at ourselves and judge our own bodies. To see them written down, one lady said really upset her. She didn’t realise that’s how she was talking to herself. It didnt matter what size your body was, what shape it was, the idea was that we are living in a society that makes you feel ugly and shameful if you don’t look like what they class as the perfect woman.

It made me think of this advert to think of the photographs taken of me. How I look does not define me as a person. I am defined as being a left handed person, I am not defined either by my body size and shape. I am not defined by my one bigger boob than the other, I am not defined by my hair colour, I am not defined by the clothes I wear.

WHO I AM is someone who has a huge heart, I care for my friends, I am fiercely loyal, honest, I don’t turn people away from me who need a shoulder, I will drop everything and help someone who needs it, I bring my kids up to love everything in life, not to judge others at all, except people for who they are. We give respect, we love, we laugh, we hug and we support those in hard times. Isn’t it the small things that matter? Holding hands while sitting on a bench?  loving your partner because they love you. worshipping their soul and who they are as human being, not on how good looking they are.

Your personality and character define who you are.

not your looks.

so I have to remind myself, I am a good person. I am loving, I am supportive, I give alot.

If that’s not important enough to people, if they judge me on my looks and body, doesn’t that say more about them and not me. if so, then why cant I stop the voice in my head degrading me? How can we love others when we can’t love ourselves and how can we expect to be treated the way we yearn to be treated if we treat ourselves badly.

is there any wonder there’s so much head fuckage in the world!

Scared! 

Do you have any emotional defence habits? 

Over the past lots of months I’ve been friends with a guy on social media. Recently we’ve been chatting on the phone a lot more and if I’m honest with myself, I like him. 

This will never become anything because a) I’m sure he’s not interested in that way and b) even if he was, he lives too far away. But I have to admit, I love listening to him on the phone. 

My defence habit is stay hidden. I don’t take photos of myself in general, the only ones I do take are for my social media avi and even then they are few and far between.

I’ve learnt very quickly that people leave. My walls are so high, I don’t let anybody in. Isn’t that a sad way to live? I know it is, but the risk of having all that pain again when it goes wrong is just something I can’t don’t again.

So this leaves me in a predicament because when guys get to know me they want to know who they are taking to. Which in fairness, I’d want to know who I’m talking to too.  But I can’t unveil myself. Im too vulnerable then. Does that make any sense? 

My anxiety level shoots to the moon and beyond when I’m asked what do I look like because for so many years I’ve been judged. I’ve been single way too long that I don’t think I could put myself out there to be rejected. 

So, while I’m happy in my bubble, I know that sounds completely selfish, that I don’t give the guy a chance and I’m thinking he’s the same as everybody else (and yes that’s wrong to do!) am I a bad person? Does that make me wrong for locking down? 

I know because of this I’ll never have what I want, I’ll never be in a relationship and I’ll be single and alone. One half of me accepted that a long time ago but when you’re reminded of it, it’s a slap of reality 

I help everybody with problems and issues and yet I can’t work out my own. I’m so stupid at times! 

Be the anchor without drowning yourself 

They say a problem shared is a problem halved. 

I’m that person, I’m the one people come to and tell me their issues. Even in high school I was like an agony aunt, I even got the notes passed in class! Normally I don’t mind this.

I’ve been through enough of my own bad times that I can at least relate to others. I’m not saying that my advice is gospel, afterall it’s just my opinion on what I would do, but if it helps someone breathe for a few minutes, gives them a sense of relief that they have told their woes and they can feel lighter for it is that a bad thing? 

Well see, I didn’t think so, until recently. I find that I’m taking on everybody else’s worries and fears and they are overpowering my own, so now I’m getting swamped by feeling their emotions including my own.

But should I stop listening? Of course not. Just need to find a way to be an anchor without drowning myself. It’s hard tho, espwhen their issues are either the same or very similar to my own.

I guess I’m the person whose there for everybody but I don’t have anybody for me. 

Today I just wanted a hug. You know those kinda hugs where you feel the other person wrap their arms around you, pull you in tight and you just feel yourself sinking into them. You feel safe. Secure. Loved. Happy. Encouraged. Hope. Like you belong. And when you go to break away they hold you for that extra wee bit of time because they know you need it. That’s the kinda hug I needed today. 

Head fuckage = no sleep

Like isn’t it just!?! 

I’ve had a great day. Didn’t have any shit bothering in my mind. I was out in the woods with the kids and breathing in fresh air and taking a long drive along the coast on the way home, music playing, singing along. I didn’t once lose my temper with the kids, even tho they were skating a very thin line with my patience at one point, but hey, they’re siblings, it’s what they do!

The second I came home I got the dishes done, helped the youngest with his homework and settled down to relax. 

Yet as I lie here in my bath I think of the what if’s, the self doubt raises its head about a lot of different things and of course there’s still the ‘lonely’ issue whirling around like a fog sunshine just can’t burn off.

It’s driving me nuts!!! Do you know that in the last 7years every single school holiday my kids have had I don’t sleep? Yeah! Now, I broke up with the ex over the last of summer holidays at the time, I miss the routine at Christmas Eve but I don’t miss him. Yet all I can think of is when it comes to the break in the routine I can’t sleep. Last night was the first proper full nights sleep I got since the holiday insomnia woke up. I got a full night’s sleep, no dreams remembered, no waking up throughout the night, just solid sleep.

Tonight though, it’s like the moment I’m relaxed and feel drowsy the mind just stirs up and like tickertape floods me with every mundane thought possible!
How the fuck do I stop this?