all the questions and no answers

When does an online friendship become a genuine friendship, an obsession or an infatuation?

Are the friendships we make online healthy?

How do you regulate yourself and your emotions regarding those you connect with?

Why do we yearn this connection with people so badly?

Why is it so easy to open up to a stranger, a picture and name on the screen rather than to someone you can physically see, touch, smell, taste?

Is it easier to get attached to someone online because you feel you can connect to fictional characters in the books you read? do we view online at fictional? a space where we can connect to others and use our imaginations, to loose reality?

If it is all fictional and not genuinely real, does it make our emotions any the less acute, real, strong?

 

Is this why I fall so hard, for the like of HIM, and when it ends or I know deep down that it will end eventually I break my own heart?

Friendships 

Things change. 

People grow and evolve.

We step away from those that no longer encourage, support, give positivity and nurture our lives. 

But today I can’t help but be thankful for the friendships I have that grow alongside me. For the women in my life who don’t slate me because I’m not as pretty or wear a certain dress size, or act in a certain way that they seem is the norm or need to be associated with. They don’t slam me for being a single parent, or because I don’t get to socialise as much as I’d like to. I’m also thankful for the men in my life. They show me unconditional love, gratitude and a bond that doesn’t necessarily mean they want sex, or a friendship needs to be sexual, they prove that a guy and a girl can seriously just be mates! They are the big brothers I never had.

I’m also learning that sometimes I need to make the first step in contact, to say to them, “Hi, how are you?” And not wait with the attitude of ‘if they want me, they know where to get me’ 

It’s ok to communicate and say “Just checking in, all ok?” 
So if you have people in your life, communicate, say hi, be thankful for the roles they have in your life and enjoy the changes and growth between you all. Life’s too short otherwise. 

Deja-vu sucks

Today I had a mini panic attack. 

I thought that because HE hadn’t been in touch for a couple of days the crap had hit the fan again. I sat for hours going over my social media conversations to make sure I’d not said anything to him to cause any offence and I thought back to our last phone conversation but couldn’t think of anything that may have caused radio silence.

But I had this sickening deja-va sensation. But what caused me to stress wasn’t even that I hadn’t heard from him as such, it was the thought of getting back in touch with jinx to send him the message and see if all was ok. I didn’t know if I could do it. I was scared to say Hi incase he came back angry with me. 


Finally I bit the bullet and got on touch, luck was on my side, all was ok, but that dreaded deja-vu had me in tender hooks! 

My mind was racing, my heart rate was quickened, I felt nauseous. And all for nothing.

I’m a nightmare!!! 

Being greedy….

Isn’t it awful that we can’t be content, that we want to have our cake and eat it too? 

I thought so too, simply because we sound greedy. 

But I am greedy. I want it all. I want the magic, the butterflies, the feeling of home.  I want to be waiting naked in bed for my man to come from work and ravish me the moment he gets in the door or if I come home I want him sitting, with just his smile on his face with his feet propped up on the table with a huge big steamy mug of tea and I can devour both. 

I want to wake up on a Sunday morning in the early hours, just as the sun breaks and watch him sleep soundly, his face relaxed, his body content so I can whisper quietly in his ear “I love you” & to then let out a squeal of delight as he wraps his arms around me and kisses me softly while gently pulling me towards him and entwining our legs together before falling back asleep and wakening up again to feel him push deep inside me, my legs wrapped around him while he makes love with me.

I want to be his shoulder to lean on, to give him a sounding board to vent his worries, to give him the support he needs and be proud of his achievements, I want him to make me laugh so hard that my cheeks get sore, I want him to see my achievements and tell everybody “that’s my girl”

I want him to send me good morning and goodnight texts when he can’t be with me, in fact, I want to fall asleep listening to his sexy sleepy voice over the phone. 

This, this is me being greedy.  I want the hand holding, I want his hand draped on my thigh while I’m driving or vice versa. I want to sit on his lap and shout at the telly when the bikes are on, kissing while we celebrate our favourites winning. 

I want to be able to sit lying in to his chest while we read our books and drink tea/coffee. I want date nights!!!! I want quirky fun loving dates, I want simple and heart felt,  I want to share food and conversations while sitting at the end of pier’s wall. 

I want his smell on my clothes, the feel of his fingertips on my skin, I want his body heat to engulf me, I want his laugh to lift my soul, to be able to think of him and my smile spread widely across my face. I want. I WANT! I want to be greedy. 

Is that so bad? 

All that shit was soul sucking

A weekend of alcohol with my bestie was definitely what was required. We got totally hammered, talked about life, chances, goals and dreams.

Half way through the night I got a message from HIM. I’m proud to say, I didn’t flip out. I gave a wee dig but nowt that would cause him any offence, it was more to please me, like a last stubborn streak. 

But I’ve missed him. I won’t lie about it. I missed his voice. We’ve been in contact since, today we’ve been online and spoken three times on the phone. We’re good. 

But what I can’t get over is how quickly my mood has changed! There’s a genuine smile back on my face. And he was on the phone before bed. His sleep voice. I’ve missed it. I’ve missed him and our banter. 

Last night I went to bed, it was the first night in 4 weeks that I wasn’t overthinking, rehashing or worrying. I couldn’t sleep, for the life of me it was too quiet, I had to stick on the headphones to let the music take over. 

HEs on his last night shift of the week, he knows to call me if he needs the company, one hand I know if he calls I’ll answer, he knows it too, but he may not phone and just hammer on. 

But I’m happy again, thank fuck for that. All that shit was soul sucking! 

Be your own anchor

This may be the one thing that I'll never be able to do... something to aspire to I guess

We only have one life. No, i’m not gonna go one about the YOLO shit, because you die once, you live everyday that you wake up, open your eyes and breathe.

But there’s a difference between living and existing.

I know i’m only existing. I’m not living. I’m not happy and I can’t let my happiness be dependant on others when they aren’t my anchors in life.

Twice now, I’ve made friends with people who have entwined in my life. Both times, these friends haven’t been happy in their own lives and I’ve done everything in my power to be a great friend. support them. give them the shoulder to cry on. share the laughter and jokes when they arise and connect on a personal level.  These friendships have destroyed me more than my failed relationships and that’s easy to understand because when it came to the relationships, I didn’t care, I didn’t want them to work out, I didn’t love the person like they should have been loved, but my friendships? That’s different. If I’m friends with someone, i’m connected. my circle is tight and there is a reason for it. those who are part of it get me, all of me.  So, now that these two friendships are over or at least one is and the other heading that way it seems, they have broke my soul.

I will never get the apology, the truest, sincerest, genuine apology that I deserve from these two yet I need to find a way to say “you’re forgiven” not for them, but for me, so i can move on and be happy with my life. I need to forgive them so i’m not left being angry and bitter.

I was told, “you can’t be the anchor for everybody and drown yourself in the process” and that’s exactly what I have been doing.

I found a website yesterday, completely by accident when looking for something else, but it was all about dealing with your negative thoughts.

It asks you to think of what you can do to steady your feelings when you’re feeling low?

it makes you ask what you can control?

It makes you take stock of the situation and spins it on it’s axels asking you to look at it and ask does it need to make you feel worthless in life?

Who are you? What do you believe in? what are your morals and beliefs?

Does the situation taint any of your good qualities, enhance them? show your true reflection?

It also gives advice, pointers like:

Give yourself time to get out to the other side

Be your own hero, depend on you and you alone

it reminds us that we have the power and control over how we react to every single thing that happens to us, so why give that control of our emotions and happiness to somebody else? I control how I react, it’s my choice

It also tells you to find a way to gain inspiration, who you are, what you love, like a passion. ignite it.

Work out a way to release the bad energy. even if it’s through sweat, blood and tears, inhale your power, exhale the negativity. breathe.

Of course, all this is easier said than done, but you have to be positive. you have to want to be happy.

so what makes you happy?

it could simply be to smile

reading your favourite book

stop complaining and moaning, you’re feeding the negativity and not empowering your positivity

appreciate the small things. details people. it’s all in the details, small things soon gather up and become pretty darn big.

A big one, esp if you’re like me and fight through life, is to list your accomplishments. becoming a parent, seeing how good your kids have turned out while doing it alone. going back to college and gaining your qualifications at the highest level (and for me, graduating 2nd highest in my class!) creating your own job. becoming your own boss, succeeding in living your dream…. be proud of what you bring to the table, we must learn and remember to NEVER let anybody drag our achievements in the gutter, for they have absofuckinglutely got NO IDEA how hard we busted our asses off to get them!

mentor someone. be inspiration for someone else, let your story help guide somebody else to greatness.

wear your favourite clothes. For the first time in 20 years I’m wearing a pair of ripped jeans. sounds stupid right, but being a mum became my whole identity, I forgot about me as a person, what I liked to wear, how good clothes could make me feel from a simple pair of ripped jeans to a bra that gives my girls great support and lifts them (big boobed girls, you’ll get this right? how awesome is it to get a bra that fits ((no four boobs)) gives you the support the girls need and, AND, is a pretty bra!! with gorgeous details and funky colours! it’s the simple things right!). I didn’t love me as a person. I’ve said it before and I stand by it, The hardest relationship you will ever be in is in the one with yourself. If you need to learn how to love yourself do it, for no matter how great your partner/lover is, or anybody in your life for that matter, if you are not in love with yourself, your standards will be low and you won’t have the love to the level you deserve. you cannot expect a great love story if you don’t fall inlove with your own character first. so wear the clothes that make you feel good. have your hair the colour you want, wear the make up that makes you feel beautiful, feel amazing in the underwear that makes you feel sexy and lush.

Be your own anchor, steady yourself and love yourself. give yourself a break and learn to focus on the inner voice. that is you. that is the one you need to shout and scream at if you’re hearing negative thoughts, gag that bitch up and seal her mouth with duct tape, swing those sexy hips of yours and sashay away, you’re incredible. you’re amazing. Don’t ever forget it. and FUCK EVERYONE ELSE!

you’re awesome!

21 days 

I never slept at all last night till nearly 7am this morning. I cried most of the night and my chest felt hallow. 

I woke up at lunch time and stared at my mascara tear stained pillow case and asked myself “is this who I am?”

Am I the girl who cries over a person they’ve never met, who was a voice in their phone, who connected with somebody online who doesn’t even live anywhere near them? The answer is ‘obviously’ and does the fact that it’s an online friendship make it any the less important to me? No. 

And will I cry every single night and lose sleep, drive myself crazy thinking about him, waiting for my phone to ring or my whatsapp notification to go off? No, no I don’t want that. I don’t want to be that person. 

I’m on such a downer and I can’t seem to stop myself from sliding further into the dark. Tomorrow marks 21 days from our bust up. That’s 21 days of no phone calls. That’s 21 days of being ignored. They say it takes 21 days to break a habit…. maybe that’s so, but how long does it take for the pain to ease and happiness rise again? 

When does it get easier?

I mean seriously, today I kept myself busy with the kids. Wouldn’t say HE wasn’t on my mind but I could function right.

This evening the kids and I were st the movies. And BAM! It was like HE just took over my headspace. 

How can one person do that? One person who became a big part of your daily life and then nothing. You know what it’s like?  It’s like grieving for somebody whose still alive. 

How do I stop my brain from constantly thinking of this guy cuz he’s made it pretty obvious to me now that he’s not gonna chat on the phone to me any longer. He’s done. 

So why can’t I stop? How has he became the replacement for D? I don’t need a guy, I’m not ready for a guy, but he wasn’t just a guy, he was a guy that I could totally be myself with. Do you know how fucking rare that is?  When you feel like you click & there’s freedom to just be you…. so I think that’s why I’m hurting so badly. I didn’t hide my personality, I didn’t hide my character, I didn’t feel the need to have my walls up. For the first time in nearly 8 years, EIGHT FUCKING YEARS, I could feel myself relax enough to let a guy in & he destroyed, absolutely oblivated me. 

So please, tell me, when does this get easier? How do I get over the loss of our friendship? 

Because it’s slowly killing me. When I’m truly me I know I’m not enough. I’m broken. 

Strangers can become such a deep part of our lives 

So tonight I was sitting waiting for my son coming home from his sports club and of course HE was on my mind and I was thinking about the lack of communication….

It made me wonder, has HE deleted my number?

Is that why he’s not chatting? He’s still following me on my social media but then I thought he can’t have deleted my number if he’s still showing up as a contact on my what’s app but then I thought, well is that right because technically I have his number on my phone so if he’s deleted my number, will he still show up on mine? If that makes any fucking sense whatsoever!

It’s kinda made me feel ill tho. I mean, after months of chatting am I really that easy to disregard? And then I look at my other friendships and relationships and the answer is yes, yes I fucking am! I have absolutely no fucking idea what I do wrong tho!?!

This whole situation is completely fucking with my head. Nearly four years it’s taken me to get over D, but I never felt physically pained like I do now.  Funny how strangers can become such a deep part of our lives in such a short period of time.

It doesn’t matter how much I miss him, how much I wanna be chatting to him again, to have a laugh, it’s all changed now ain’t it. It’s tainted and sad and a little heartbroken, just like me.

Confused 

HE is so frustrating and confusing me.

With absolutely no contact all last week, he liked and commented on my instagram post last night.  I replied because I’m not that much of bitch to ignore him, but maybe I should?

We don’t talk on the phone anymore, there’s no conversation online, there’s no messages. Yet no matter what I post up I know he’s looking at because he looks at my snaps, so if he’slooking at   them, he’s looking at my instagram. 

I don’t understand tho, why keep me as a contact if he won’t treat me as a friend? I know I wasn’t easy on the phone that day but fuck it I was angry, he hurt me more than he’ll ever know. Now, it feels like he’s judging me all over again. I try to get to a point where I accept he’s not talking to me, I try to find a way to put the daily thoughts of him locked into a box into the back of my mind, but he’s there. It never stops. 

And yes, I miss him. I miss his voice, his laughter, I miss how he made me feel when everything was good. I didn’t block him, I didn’t unfriend him, I just needed time to grieve the whole dilemma. Maybe that’s my fault, holding on to the bad because it’s the only thing that reminds me of the good.

I’m sure he’s not thinking of me, I’m sure he’s not starting a conversation with me online and then changing his mind, I’m sure now that I didn’t mean anything to him because you don’t treat the people you like in this way.

You know what the really sad thing is? I won’t unfriend him incase he talks to me again, but I know I’ll wake up some day and I’ll check my social media and he’ll have unfriended me. That day is the day he will have successfully broken me. That day will tell me I was truly nothing to him…. until then….