I think it’s a terrible thing

I think it’s a terrible thing to go through life with nobody to share it with you. To have a heart that is so full of  kindness, loyalty, compassion, support and love and not have another person to give that to. I think it’s a terrible thing to go through life and breathe, but not live. To experience each day and at the end of it crawl into an empty bed and not be able to have a conversation with someone about how your day went. I think it’s a terrible thing to have lips that will not kiss anybody, fingers which will not touch another person, legs which you can’t entwine with another. Hands to hold someone else’s hands as you walk together, I think its a terrible thing not have someone to share your moments with, be a proud moment of your child, to hear another person laugh, to support another person when they are going through a hard time or simply not to have somebody give you a hug when you need it the most.

I think it’s a terrible thing to be lonely. To go through life alone and not be happy. I think it’s a terrible thing when you find a person you like and they don’t feel the same way. I think it’s a terrible thing to have the weight of the world on your shoulders and not have anybody to help share the load. I think it’s terrible thing to feel your heart breaking inside your chest and feel the tears slide down your cheeks and you don’t have a king to steady you, as his queen.

I think it’s terrible to be alone.

And there’s nothing I can do to change it. Nobody cares.

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Dreams. gah!

There’s a knock on the front door. I walked to open it with an item of laundry in my hand. I open the door and say hi, it’s him, but I don’t wait, I turn to walk back to the laundry. He grabs both my arms and swings me around, pushes me up against the livingroom door and kisses me. It’s not one of those peck the cheek or gentle brush of the lips kinda kiss, it’s the full on, hard, lips mashing, spine tingling, knee weakening, pulse racing kind of kisses. my heart beat is beating so loud in my ear, the sting on my lips when he pulls away, the touch of cold air after his body heat and the smile that slowly spreads across my face from one side to the other, I want more. I reach forward and I wake up.

I fucking wake up!!!

I wake up to my nose tingling, my lips feeling swollen and bruised, heat on my arms where his hands had a grip on me, goosebumps all over. yet I wake up and I am alone.

It was all a dream.

When I speak to HIM on the phone, we talk about what he wants in a relationship. I’m totally fucking friend zoned and although my head and gut know that’s all we would ever be, my heart, it’s a dragging it’s ass to catch up. So when we’re talking about relationships, he’s what I want, yet not what I want. I want more.

HE has an idea of his perfect woman. I couldn’t be any more further away from that than what I already am.  He’s got traits I love & yet I know he would never accept me for me.

As I’m typing and trying to clear my head before bed, the rain is falling outside and normally this would soothe me but tonight, my emotions just want to cry with the sky.

Am I only ever gonna get what I want in a dream?

We all judge, but we need to stop

This week has seen me focusing heavily on my business. I have to ask myself “who is my dream client”? Who do I want to say I would love to work with? In one sense, I am very lucky that I can say I love people who I vibe with. That’s what’s important to me. Not how they look. not for me to say you can only stand in front of me if you are beautiful looking person. I mean, C’mon, that’s just being insane right?

So I thought about women. I am a woman. I thought about the pressure we have as females. Fuck me there is a lot! We get it in the neck by magazines, beauty features, culture and from every angle of society that women need to be beautiful. women have to look a certain way. women need to dress a certain way or how we are labelled by the clothing style we were. What make up we should use, how to use it, our bodies need to be a certain size, shape, we need a fucking thigh gap, we need perfectly white teeth, we need a perma fucking tan, we need to be women with long hair (as my teenage daughter informed me the other week because the “guy’s like to have something to hold on to!”) What the actual fuck!?!

Then we meet the people who judge. These people criticize every single morsel of how you look, dress, smell, complete your business, your job, your friendships, where you eat, what you eat, what you drink, how you make the drink, how you interact with others, how you think of yourself (God forbid you have any shred of confidence or are happy with your body no matter what, these people want to annihilate you!) They judge every move, including their own but wait!!…. they won’t tell you they find anything wrong with themselves, because in their eyes, the flaws they see in you, make them feel better. It doesn’t matter that the flaws they see, are a reflection of their own. heaven’s forbid!

Then we have the people who say, they don’t judge. They accept everybody for warts and all. C’mere till I tell you something…. are you listening carefully… THEY LIE!

These people tell you what you want to hear, they won’t judge, they accept everybody but they do judge, they say fat people are disgusting, they say call people from a different culture names, they judge you on what you eat, they don’t understand why somebody who puts themselves out there and creates something for themselves can have whatever they reap because this person whose doing the same job but not putting the same amount of effort in isn’t getting the same results. They judge you on parenting skills, people skills, driving skills (we’ll not go there!) and so much more, but wait, it’s ok, it all makes perfect sense because they tell you they don’t judge people.

Then you get the genuine people. The people who are genuinely happy for your success, they support you in the hard times, they encourage you through the dark times and they share your laughter in the great times. These people judge you too, don’t get me wrong, but they don’t judge you on how you look, they don’t judge you on your skills or talents. They don’t even judge you when you make horrendous mistakes and just want the world to stop so you can get off. These people judge you on whether you are a good person. They judge you on your kindness, compassion, morals, they judge you on knowing good from bad, right from wrong, they judge you on how well you support and love others, They don’t care how you put make up on. They don’t care if you’re a size 32 or 6, they don’t judge you if you are in a high paying job or work in the local corner shop, they don’t judge you if you can’t always make a night out because you can’t get the kids minded.

Everyone is entitled to an opinion. The world would be a boring place otherwise, but remember at the end of the day, Words can make somebody’s day or they can shatter a life in seconds. You cannot take them back. You can be the person that says “they can judge me all they want, I don’t care” and maybe you are one of the people that’s true for, but humans do care, they want to be accepted, they want a friendship, they want to be loved. We do not have the right to judge a person. To call them names, to project our fears and insecurities onto them,  it’s rude, it’s belittling, it’s nasty. Stop Judging!

heavy hearted

Yesterday was G’s 6 month anniversary of his death.

I have been kinda teary the last couple of days and I thought it was because I’ve been thinking about HIM and me and our conversations but I realised pretty soon it wasn’t the case. Everything was making me well up from tv ads about toilet roll (wtf is that all about!) to the music on a movie. I was just mush.

I woke up yesterday  and I just felt heavy hearted. I didn’t want to move. I had a grey’s anatomy marathon on the sofa and then when I had to go and collect my son from school I realised what date it was. Maybe it was always in my mind but I drove with my music loud to distract me and let the tears silently fall from my eyes.

When  I posted up on my instagram, D got in touch. He sent me a message and I told him I was ok. could look after myself. It was nice of him to be me for a change, to be the one to send the text message and offer a shoulder but I can’t go back. It would only open that can of worms again and it took me long enough the first time to get over him. I get attached too easily especially to guys who simply don’t want to know.

why do I do that? G would have an answer for me.

It would be a long conversation in the middle of the night and he would be able to get the answers out of me that I wasn’t sure I knew I had. He would talk sense and rationalise my thoughts into common sense and practical solutions. I cannot go back to D to unload. Three years is too long a time to think about a person every single day and not be able to talk to them, see them, be with them when they owned your mind and soul.

But i’ve learnt very quickly nobody thinks the same way as we do. we cannot expect others to treat us as we would them. It’s one of the reason’s why I miss my conversations with G. He would push. not by overstepping any marks but if you told him you were fine, if you told him you didn’t want to talk about it and the conversation still was going, he would know to push. he would gently lead the conversation so you could talk and get things off your chest. he never offered an opinion or advice unless you asked for it. He just let you wipe your slate.

No matter how many conversations I have with HIM, he doesn’t do that. HE’ll ask how my day is, about the kids, but the second I have an issue he doesn’t ask. and I don’t offload. I don’t want to. that sounds awful doesn’t it. It’s like he can tell me what all is wrong with him yet I clamp up tight when it’s my turn but I don’t want to feel judged. He’s done it a few times. he’s made me feel worse about a few things and it’s really, really hurt but I know it’s just who he is and I know (or hope) that he’s not making me feel bad because he means to.  D on the other hand would let me vent, talk me off the ledge and help me find a solution, both within myself in how I handled things and how to handle the solution of the issue. He’s always been supportive. When I was newly single again and back at college he came into my life in a time that was so needed. He built up my confidence, self esteem and was so amazingly supportive. He is everything I have ever looked for in a man. G would laugh at me when I told him this, been reading too many books eh. Fantasy characters of guy that’s perfect. Perfect for me yes, not perfect as in total perfection. It’s not real. but when you have an idea of someone who you could see living the rest of your life with, D was it for me.

But I miss G, I miss our conversations about life, men, women, kids, music, photography, happiness, sadness, religion, home, food, movies, quotes, books, telling our stories, general waffle and favourite smells. I miss talking to him about life. 6 months. Time has a way of making it seem longer, yet it also makes it feel like only yesterday.

G, you will always be missed by myself. I’m sure you’re family and friends were hurting yesterday too, I’m still pissed at you for what you did but I also hope that your soul has the peace in death as what you longed for in life. Miss you greatly xx

Confidence in me…

As a person can be low at times, but confidence in me for what I can do as my career should be bouncing! I am learning it’s ok to toot my own horn, blow my own trumpet, have confidence and believe in what I do, because I can do it!

I’m not that girl who strut into a room and demands her presence be known. I’m not the girl who feels confident and looks sexy too in a power suit. I’m not the girl even who sits every morning and applies her make up mask to take on the world.

As me, I’m the girl whose comfiest in her ripped jeans and bare foot in the studio. I’m the girl whose encouraging others. I’m the girl whose the agony aunt and hugger. I’m the girl who drinks tea all day, is happy to curl up with a book or take the dog for a walk. I’m the girl whose an old romantic, believes in being the strong lady beside her man yet I’m single. I’m the girl with tattoos, pink hair, trainers on my feet & my lick of mascara so my eyes aren’t naked!

As a mum, I’m the home manager, taxi driver, bank teller, cook, cleaner, doctor, advisor, cheerleader, hugger, agony aunt, secretary, teacher, personal shopper, single parent, special needs parent, advocate & general dogs body.

But as a photographer I’m professional yet relaxed, magic maker, time stealer, moment capturer, I empower individuals, I believe beauty is what you believe in, your inner character and beauty is stunning, I’m a picture story teller, image editor, legacy maker, I’m also honourable, respectful, compassionate, I am a life documenter.

What I do, who I am, what I believe are my good points, strengths and traits are all about me. They make me who I am. Not how I look on the outside. Personality, character, charisma, charm, qualities, these are what I love to photograph. This is what I do. This I ha e the confidence to do. Believe!

Is it wrong of me to care?

I love to help others. I am the first one to tell my friends my shoulder is there for them when they need it. Most of the time, they’ll have a rant and get what’s on their chest off and things go back to normal. It can be the slightest issue from someone pissing them off at work to huge relationship disasters, whatever the problem I want my friends to know they aren’t in it alone. Sometimes just knowing you have somebody to turn to and vent to, can help the burden.

So when HE needed a shoulder I offered. Dead on right, he vents over the phone and I give him my opinion and advice, not to be patronising, criticising or tell him he’s doing anything wrong, because he’s not, but it’s more to show another side of the coin that maybe, just maybe he’s not thought about, or I’ll ask questions, again, not to patronise or criticise, but so that I can understand the issue from all angles. I would rather he phone me and get it off his chest than be driving all night with things on his mind and maybe, just maybe, either become distracted by it, or simply to stop it from sucking at his soul and putting him in really foul mood.

what I have learnt tho over the years is this. no matter what problem, issue or nark a person may have, you cannot do a damn thing about it. all you can do is listen. If they shout, scream, cry, yell, need a hug, cry some more, or even just wanna sit there in silence with you beside them, that’s all you can. It has to be enough. you cannot take on their issues as your own. it just sucks your own soul.

You cannot take things personally.

Here’s the thing right, HE and I were talking today and he’s got me thinking again about what I want. It’s like there’s this connection and then when he get’s really frustrated and pissed off there’s shouting down the phone or if I say something, I’m worried in case I say the wrong thing and he thinks i’m judging him.

It can make for long silences on the phone, I feel like I don’t want to push him for conversation if he’s inside his head and so I wait for him to make the conversation again but there are times I feel like he’s waiting for me to distract him and start a conversation that’s gonna take his mind off the situation.

I dunno, I know he’s angry and frustrated, I know I tell him to vent at me and get it off his chest but there are times when I think I’ve made me frustrated more so he’s not talking so he doesn’t snap at me.

Maybe, I need to take a break from the phone calls, let him think things through on his own and not give any opinion on things. maybe I just make things worse. I wouldn’t wanna do that on him so maybe I need to take a step back. I don’t wanna be an annoyance to him and I know he’s got other people he talks things through with who know their stuff.  I just hate to think I’m failing him as a friend.

but then there lies the other question in my mind. we were talking the other day about how we are pretty much on our own. I lost my friends when I because a mummy, both my exes kinda closed me off from my friends and now I’m basically on my own. he’s on a job that takes up a lot of his time and reduces his social life. and although we’ve never met, after chatting online and now nearly a year on the phone, basically nearly every day, I do class him as a friend. but maybe to him, i’m just somebody he knows and talks to on the phone.

I asked him to let me know when he’s home after work esp when he’s cycling back because of B and his death. Don’t get me wrong. I know, I know I’m not HIS girlfriend so I don’t really have a right to ask him to text me, but is it wrong of me to care?

am I crossing a line?

When you just need to get the words out of your head…

So beware, it’s gonna be a rather long post. If you’re gonna read it till the end, go make yer brew then get comfy.

They say us humans are a sociable bunch and we need connections. We become a better person when we can share our lives with others. So what happens to us that are on our own?

I had a conversation with HIM tonight and we were talking about what he was looking for with a partner. He said he wanted to connect. It wasn’t to be based just on lust.

But doesn’t lust play a part? Don’t you feel like you need to be physically attracted to a person? Or is that just society and it’s rules. Does a blind person fall in love a person because of how they connect to them, or because they feel the other person’s face and think “oh nice!”

There is a quote I once read somewhere that said “we read books and fall in love with the characters, not because we know what they look like but we find a connection to their soul”, their character is what we see unfold in our minds from the words, what the author portrays as the fictional character’s beliefs, morals. Is this not the same in films?

I watched an episode of first dates earlier. The girl told the guy she wants to have the wedding, the children, the happily ever after”. The guy told her “she read too many books” and she said “that’s because we want the fairy tale” and he said “exactly”.   Do guy’s not want that? Don’t you’s want to come home to somebody and tell them about the funny thing that happened during your day or have that hug you needed to just feel good and as you go to pull away she’ll hug you tighter because she knows you need that extra bit of loving. I asked HIM what he was wanting and he said the connection. I get it. I yearn for it too.

How good would it be to take his shirt off the hanger and smell his scent and slip it on when you wanna feel near him and he’s not there. How good would it be to make the dinner, chat about your day and have an adult conversation. How good would it be to throw your legs over his and curl up on the sofa and watch a movie, or go for a walk together with the kids and the dog. I want to sit together and make you smile and hear you laugh. I want to feel your arms pull me closer to your body at night in bed and feel your breath on my neck when you nuzzle closer and feel safe. loved. secure.  That’s the fairytale I want. The fairytale I want gives me a man who loves me for me. who tells me i make him a better person, who shows me he loves me and is devoted to me, and we can be loyal, faithful, loving, supportive together. I want someone to tell their friends I make everything worth it. I want a guy that I can tell my friends, I can rock being a single parent queen but I found my king to share my world with. what is wrong with that?

I know when I feel like I connect I dive straight in, I wanna know all about you. The way I look on it is this, I’m an open book. if you make the effort, ask me questions, want to know me, then the answers are there in my pages. There’s finding the person who wants to read your story, but it’s completely different finding the person who wants to be part of your story till it ends.

I found a quote online about being a smart girl. “the smart girl is the overthinker, the insecure one, the one whose different. They know the real world and how it works, they analyse every little thing, the reason? to not get hurt, to find happiness. they stay up late at night thinking about every possible situation to get through a problem, They think too much, they don’t trust too many people and their insecurity proves their respect towards themselves. Smart girls know their worth, and they are the ones you should keep”

I overthink every. single. thing. I don’t trust people. I don’t let many people in. I can tell you opinion, i can give you advice on YOUR problems but I won’t let you in to mine. Take HIM for example. He knows he can tell me anything, I do not judge. He knows he can phone me any time day or night and just vent and I am here for him. But who is here for me? This evening I found myself nearly ready to tell him what was on my mind, I pulled back, I told him he didn’t need to know. That must have sounded like I was a right bitch but I didn’t mean it in the sense of he shouldn’t know. I just meant that I didn’t want to bother him.

I am a single parent. I do not have the luxury of having another parent or partner in my life to share, vent or brainstorm with. I have to make sacrifices and choose a priority and even when I know the choice I make will hurt and disappoint one of my kids, the other one needs me too and I can’t split myself in two to be in two places at once. The guilt of this eats at me. am I alone in this? do any other single parents feel like shit when they can’t be in two places at the same time? If I tell this to anybody else I can feel the judgement. I am a bad parent. I’m failing at a mother. Trust me, I get it. The thoughts you have of me will be nothing compared to the judgement I have on myself.

I lie awake at night and think how can I find a solution. nobody offers me help. nobody says I can give you a hand, nobody look at me and says “what can i do to fucking help you and the kids out” NOBODY! so I have the choice of which one to disappoint. which one to let down. YOU do not need to have your judgement and disappointment of me drip from your being, I can assure you, I feel like shit enough as it is.

I have had some amazing guys be part of my life. I have had my “one that got away”. They say it’s better to have loved and lost rather than never to have loved at all. maybe so, but if you haven’t loved then you don’t get the pain. you don’t get the longing for something you can’t have,  or grieve the loss of something you never had in the first place. You can connect to people on a friendly term and not worry about guarding yourself from love.

But then you also never get to experience the nervous butterflies in your tummy. the spine tingling sensation when they kiss your lips for the first time. the goosebumps rising on your skin when they touch you, you don’t get to experience the rush of excitement when you see how you make that person react to your touch, the smile on their face when they see you, their eyes brighten when they make you laugh, or darken when you moan with lust. you don’t get to experience that feeling of contentment, safety, security, loving, importance, worship, completeness if you have the walls up too high. No guy wants to break the walls down. no guy wants to see what’s worthy behind them. So while i’m there for everybody else. I don’t have anybody for me. I am on my own. I accepted it a long time ago. I shut down. I lived for the kids and me. Then D came along. He shook my foundations. BIG TIME!. He took an interest, he encouraged, he supported, he was a real gentleman. He was what I needed at the time. but it killed me loving him. He wasn’t interested in me. I was just someone online.  I had my moment of clarity, I cried driving home that evening & I let myself heal. I knew exactly what I wanted, what I deserved. Now HE’s came along and while I love being his mate, I love being able to help him out, it’s been nearly a year now and I can feel my emotions getting deeper. the connection is growing for me on my side of things and I know I can’t let it, I have to nip it in the bud. It will not go anywhere because I am the one everyone can turn to when they need somebody, but I am NOT the person that guys fall in love with. I’m always the friend.

 

 

“I’d rather be friends….

….than not have you at all”.

How sad is that sentence?

Yet it rings so true. This evening HIM and I had a chat. We spoke about finding love, not having walls so high etc and I know now where I stand with him.

It’s fine to be in the friend zone when you know nothing would ever have happened anyway. We have a friendship based on communication, we have nothing in common to feed a relationship so there would be no point because let’s face it, he would only end up getting bored with me.

I care about him, of course I do. When you talk to somebody nearly every day for ages, a bond of sorts is formed. You do get attached to people and what he’s teaching me is that maybe I’m ok with being single and saying I don’t want to be hurt again, but maybe I’m edging closer to the ledge that I want to jump! Maybe it’s ok to let the light shine through the cracks of the emotional walls and feel a bit of warmth from a person.

He’s also reminding me, like D taught me, it’s ok to take my own advice, to love myself, put myself first and take care of me.

I can slay my own dragons. I don’t need a king to do it for me. I am my own warrior, a Queen, a lover of myself. I can cheer myself on and own who I am as a person.

I just kinda hope he’s still part of my journey, even if it’s just as a friend. We can never have enough friends right?

I knew it would hurt….

….. but not as much as it actually does.

So HE was telling me tonight he’s now happy. I am so pleased for him. Honestly, I really truly am because he has been through fucking hell over the past few months and the head fuckage he had was immense. Now he’s worked his way through it all and he’s content and happy he no longer needs me.

What’s the saying “Some people come into our lives, not to stay, but to teach us a lesson, how to be happy, how to let go….” etc etc

So yeah, basically I was his person to teach him whatever I taught him and he’s teaching me how to let go. He taught me it’s ok to have 30ft walls, as long as I let the window be built in one of them, I can let in the light, crack the window and let somebody climb in. It just wasn’t meant to be him. Maybe it’s not meant for anybody?

After eight long years of trying to protect myself, of not letting myself get hurt again, I’m now the girl that gets attached too quickly to a person online and when the other person gets on with real life, my butterflies die. It hurts. It’s not pleasant. I refuse to be this person so what do I do? Do I remove myself from social media? Do I stay offline and be the lady whose single and whose life is her head constantly in a book reading about relationships that others dream about?

I am enough, I know I have good qualities but I am not the girl that guys fall in love with. This lesson has been taught to me many, many times. Maybe it’s time I just accept it.

Lesson never learnt

Why do we always set ourselves up for a situation that we know isn't gonna end well and cause us absolutely fucking sheer heart break?

I had a clarity moment the other day, and tonight it really struck home that I've totally screwed myself over regarding heart ache and HIM.

I'm not what He wants, I know that. I'm the friend. I get it, I do. I'm the one that he can complain to now. There's no jokes, no laughing with a bit of banter & certainly no more flirting.

We lost whatever that was before our major falling out and either we don't trust each other or we don't want to go through that again, but there's a distance there. It's not in my mind tho, cuz I can see how he's acting with other women online & I'm definitely in my place.

Tonight it hurt. If I could have ripped my heart out so I didn't have to feel anything I would have. Why do we do it? Why do we feel the need to attach ourselves to somebody and even at that, why do we get attached to those we know we don't have a chance in hell with?
It's fucking torture!!
And while I'm suffering, he's doing whatever. He's ok, he's not feeling the same thing, he's busy flirting with everybody else.

I swore after D that I wouldn't go through this again. Maybe I need to step away from my social media right enough. Just take a break from everybody online cuz let's face it, it ain't like they're gonna miss me. It's a lesson I don't seem to learn from,

I wanna just jump in the car and drive. Music in my ears loudly to drown out my thoughts. I can't cope anymore with the head fuckage.