Be your own anchor

This may be the one thing that I'll never be able to do... something to aspire to I guess

We only have one life. No, i’m not gonna go one about the YOLO shit, because you die once, you live everyday that you wake up, open your eyes and breathe.

But there’s a difference between living and existing.

I know i’m only existing. I’m not living. I’m not happy and I can’t let my happiness be dependant on others when they aren’t my anchors in life.

Twice now, I’ve made friends with people who have entwined in my life. Both times, these friends haven’t been happy in their own lives and I’ve done everything in my power to be a great friend. support them. give them the shoulder to cry on. share the laughter and jokes when they arise and connect on a personal level.  These friendships have destroyed me more than my failed relationships and that’s easy to understand because when it came to the relationships, I didn’t care, I didn’t want them to work out, I didn’t love the person like they should have been loved, but my friendships? That’s different. If I’m friends with someone, i’m connected. my circle is tight and there is a reason for it. those who are part of it get me, all of me.  So, now that these two friendships are over or at least one is and the other heading that way it seems, they have broke my soul.

I will never get the apology, the truest, sincerest, genuine apology that I deserve from these two yet I need to find a way to say “you’re forgiven” not for them, but for me, so i can move on and be happy with my life. I need to forgive them so i’m not left being angry and bitter.

I was told, “you can’t be the anchor for everybody and drown yourself in the process” and that’s exactly what I have been doing.

I found a website yesterday, completely by accident when looking for something else, but it was all about dealing with your negative thoughts.

It asks you to think of what you can do to steady your feelings when you’re feeling low?

it makes you ask what you can control?

It makes you take stock of the situation and spins it on it’s axels asking you to look at it and ask does it need to make you feel worthless in life?

Who are you? What do you believe in? what are your morals and beliefs?

Does the situation taint any of your good qualities, enhance them? show your true reflection?

It also gives advice, pointers like:

Give yourself time to get out to the other side

Be your own hero, depend on you and you alone

it reminds us that we have the power and control over how we react to every single thing that happens to us, so why give that control of our emotions and happiness to somebody else? I control how I react, it’s my choice

It also tells you to find a way to gain inspiration, who you are, what you love, like a passion. ignite it.

Work out a way to release the bad energy. even if it’s through sweat, blood and tears, inhale your power, exhale the negativity. breathe.

Of course, all this is easier said than done, but you have to be positive. you have to want to be happy.

so what makes you happy?

it could simply be to smile

reading your favourite book

stop complaining and moaning, you’re feeding the negativity and not empowering your positivity

appreciate the small things. details people. it’s all in the details, small things soon gather up and become pretty darn big.

A big one, esp if you’re like me and fight through life, is to list your accomplishments. becoming a parent, seeing how good your kids have turned out while doing it alone. going back to college and gaining your qualifications at the highest level (and for me, graduating 2nd highest in my class!) creating your own job. becoming your own boss, succeeding in living your dream…. be proud of what you bring to the table, we must learn and remember to NEVER let anybody drag our achievements in the gutter, for they have absofuckinglutely got NO IDEA how hard we busted our asses off to get them!

mentor someone. be inspiration for someone else, let your story help guide somebody else to greatness.

wear your favourite clothes. For the first time in 20 years I’m wearing a pair of ripped jeans. sounds stupid right, but being a mum became my whole identity, I forgot about me as a person, what I liked to wear, how good clothes could make me feel from a simple pair of ripped jeans to a bra that gives my girls great support and lifts them (big boobed girls, you’ll get this right? how awesome is it to get a bra that fits ((no four boobs)) gives you the support the girls need and, AND, is a pretty bra!! with gorgeous details and funky colours! it’s the simple things right!). I didn’t love me as a person. I’ve said it before and I stand by it, The hardest relationship you will ever be in is in the one with yourself. If you need to learn how to love yourself do it, for no matter how great your partner/lover is, or anybody in your life for that matter, if you are not in love with yourself, your standards will be low and you won’t have the love to the level you deserve. you cannot expect a great love story if you don’t fall inlove with your own character first. so wear the clothes that make you feel good. have your hair the colour you want, wear the make up that makes you feel beautiful, feel amazing in the underwear that makes you feel sexy and lush.

Be your own anchor, steady yourself and love yourself. give yourself a break and learn to focus on the inner voice. that is you. that is the one you need to shout and scream at if you’re hearing negative thoughts, gag that bitch up and seal her mouth with duct tape, swing those sexy hips of yours and sashay away, you’re incredible. you’re amazing. Don’t ever forget it. and FUCK EVERYONE ELSE!

you’re awesome!

21 days 

I never slept at all last night till nearly 7am this morning. I cried most of the night and my chest felt hallow. 

I woke up at lunch time and stared at my mascara tear stained pillow case and asked myself “is this who I am?”

Am I the girl who cries over a person they’ve never met, who was a voice in their phone, who connected with somebody online who doesn’t even live anywhere near them? The answer is ‘obviously’ and does the fact that it’s an online friendship make it any the less important to me? No. 

And will I cry every single night and lose sleep, drive myself crazy thinking about him, waiting for my phone to ring or my whatsapp notification to go off? No, no I don’t want that. I don’t want to be that person. 

I’m on such a downer and I can’t seem to stop myself from sliding further into the dark. Tomorrow marks 21 days from our bust up. That’s 21 days of no phone calls. That’s 21 days of being ignored. They say it takes 21 days to break a habit…. maybe that’s so, but how long does it take for the pain to ease and happiness rise again? 

When does it get easier?

I mean seriously, today I kept myself busy with the kids. Wouldn’t say HE wasn’t on my mind but I could function right.

This evening the kids and I were st the movies. And BAM! It was like HE just took over my headspace. 

How can one person do that? One person who became a big part of your daily life and then nothing. You know what it’s like?  It’s like grieving for somebody whose still alive. 

How do I stop my brain from constantly thinking of this guy cuz he’s made it pretty obvious to me now that he’s not gonna chat on the phone to me any longer. He’s done. 

So why can’t I stop? How has he became the replacement for D? I don’t need a guy, I’m not ready for a guy, but he wasn’t just a guy, he was a guy that I could totally be myself with. Do you know how fucking rare that is?  When you feel like you click & there’s freedom to just be you…. so I think that’s why I’m hurting so badly. I didn’t hide my personality, I didn’t hide my character, I didn’t feel the need to have my walls up. For the first time in nearly 8 years, EIGHT FUCKING YEARS, I could feel myself relax enough to let a guy in & he destroyed, absolutely oblivated me. 

So please, tell me, when does this get easier? How do I get over the loss of our friendship? 

Because it’s slowly killing me. When I’m truly me I know I’m not enough. I’m broken. 

Strangers can become such a deep part of our lives 

So tonight I was sitting waiting for my son coming home from his sports club and of course HE was on my mind and I was thinking about the lack of communication….

It made me wonder, has HE deleted my number?

Is that why he’s not chatting? He’s still following me on my social media but then I thought he can’t have deleted my number if he’s still showing up as a contact on my what’s app but then I thought, well is that right because technically I have his number on my phone so if he’s deleted my number, will he still show up on mine? If that makes any fucking sense whatsoever!

It’s kinda made me feel ill tho. I mean, after months of chatting am I really that easy to disregard? And then I look at my other friendships and relationships and the answer is yes, yes I fucking am! I have absolutely no fucking idea what I do wrong tho!?!

This whole situation is completely fucking with my head. Nearly four years it’s taken me to get over D, but I never felt physically pained like I do now.  Funny how strangers can become such a deep part of our lives in such a short period of time.

It doesn’t matter how much I miss him, how much I wanna be chatting to him again, to have a laugh, it’s all changed now ain’t it. It’s tainted and sad and a little heartbroken, just like me.

Confused 

HE is so frustrating and confusing me.

With absolutely no contact all last week, he liked and commented on my instagram post last night.  I replied because I’m not that much of bitch to ignore him, but maybe I should?

We don’t talk on the phone anymore, there’s no conversation online, there’s no messages. Yet no matter what I post up I know he’s looking at because he looks at my snaps, so if he’slooking at   them, he’s looking at my instagram. 

I don’t understand tho, why keep me as a contact if he won’t treat me as a friend? I know I wasn’t easy on the phone that day but fuck it I was angry, he hurt me more than he’ll ever know. Now, it feels like he’s judging me all over again. I try to get to a point where I accept he’s not talking to me, I try to find a way to put the daily thoughts of him locked into a box into the back of my mind, but he’s there. It never stops. 

And yes, I miss him. I miss his voice, his laughter, I miss how he made me feel when everything was good. I didn’t block him, I didn’t unfriend him, I just needed time to grieve the whole dilemma. Maybe that’s my fault, holding on to the bad because it’s the only thing that reminds me of the good.

I’m sure he’s not thinking of me, I’m sure he’s not starting a conversation with me online and then changing his mind, I’m sure now that I didn’t mean anything to him because you don’t treat the people you like in this way.

You know what the really sad thing is? I won’t unfriend him incase he talks to me again, but I know I’ll wake up some day and I’ll check my social media and he’ll have unfriended me. That day is the day he will have successfully broken me. That day will tell me I was truly nothing to him…. until then…. 

They don’t care if they break you

It’s officially now been over a week since HE spoke to me oh the phone and said sorry then stopped talking to me again. 

Yet he still follows my social media & I him. 

Three years it took me to get over D. I won’t let it take me another three to get over him.  It I find it really hard to shut him outta my thoughts. 

I think if our previous conversations, how he made me laugh, he made me smile every single day. So it’s hard to ignore the bad when it was so good.

They say it takes 21 days to break a habit.  But will the pain go away by then? Does he think of me? Does he miss chatting with me? Probably not. I probably don’t even flicker on his mind. 

He certainly doesn’t want to talk to me that’s for sure. If that’s the case, why doesn’t he just unfriend me on social media and remove me?  He’s not letting go either tho god knows why. 

I miss him though. I miss hearing his voice. I miss his low tone, I miss hearing his laughter. I miss our random topics and griping about the world. 

The whole thing is screening with my head.

It doesn’t help that the viper is back in touch. He’s only after one thing and I refuse to be that person. He’s like jackal and hyde. One minute he’s ok and the next he makes me feel like I’m worthless. He hasn’t been in touch for such a long time and no matter how snarky I am & give as good as I get, he wants to play the power game. 

So between the hurt HE caused, the fuckage from the viper and my kid telling me she’s ready to start new, leave home and how her friend’s dad has judged her without even meeting her, my head feels like it’s exploded. That’s why I’ve a migraine. 

He’s never gonna call again is he?

I’m pathetic for missing him right? 

I’ve lost my backbone & stubborn spirit 

They will never know how deeply they cut you, will they? 

And they simply don’t care if they break you. 

I’m broken 

I just want to break down and cry, yet I won’t waste my tears on someone who doesn’t deserve them. I haven’t felt this heart broken in years.

It’s like grieving somebody who is still alive. Why stay friends yet ignore me? What point does that prove? I already know he’s a bastard. The apology meant nothing, said to ease his own conscious. 

How do I make the pain stop?

I’m broken. I didn’t wanna let a guy break me again, but he’s succeeded. Maybe I’m truly not worthy. 

Dreaming of a clean slate

Ever get to a point in your life where ye just want to walk away from it all, disappear and start fresh? Finding yourself day dreaming of a clean slate. 

No mistakes made.

No regrets

No head fuckage

That’s me. I’m tired. I’m tired of always being there for everybody else and nobody here for me. Tonight I was standing at the sink doing my dishes and I thought, “if I was to die today, would anybody come to my funeral other than family?”

And the sad part was I could count on one hand a few people who may be upset, but I don’t think would go out of their way to attend. 

It reminded me of my wedding, we sat at the reception and speeches were made, at the end it was open to the floor and you could have heard a pin drop. Nobody had any stories, jokes or well wishes. It also the moment I knew my marriage was over before it really got started.

So does that say the same for my life? I’m existing, I know I am, but I’m not living. I’ve no stories to tell, no jokes to laugh at, no memories of banter with friends, no trips to look back on other than family holidays I’m barely now even remembering. 

I’m stressed. I’m living a life in fear of rejection. I’m plodding along doing nothing, it’s like the wheels are in motion but I’m sleeping behind the wheel. I’m waiting for the crash!

I know I can’t expect anything to change if I don’t make the change. My head is all over the place. My kids are growing up way too fast, my daughter is looking forward to leaving home and going to uni. She’s got nothing here for her. Can I blame her for wanting to leave when I knew at 15 I wanted to live on my own. 

I’ve had too many guys screw with my mind over the years and the latest has kinda annoyed me more than the rest.  Even tho he shut me out, I let him back in again and he’s went silent again, yet he’s watching what I post online. Tho he doesn’t know about my blog, it’s the only place I can truly vent and moan without those who are just a bit too close to home knowing what’s going on in my head cuz let’s face it, nobody really gives a flying fuck!

I can give out all the help, advice, opinions till the cows come home, everybody knows they can turn to me, but who have I got to turn to? 

But this isn’t me. I’m not grumpy, I’m not depressed. I love to smile and laugh and give hugs and sit round the fire pit and have a chat and cuddle under the blanket while the embers glow, I love going places and photographing everything and anything my eye catches, yet I sit, doing none of it. What the hell have I became? 

I want my clean slate. 

I want rid of the head fuckage

I had a brilliant wee day being productive, my headache eased and my heart didn’t ache. There was nothing to overthink or question.

I wasn’t fighting or being annoyed by people, nobody pissed me off.

Now I’m home, I’ve got five minutes peace before bed and I’ve realised that I miss HIM. We don’t talk anymore, there’s no messages, no phone calls and it hurts more than when he stopped talking. 

Now my headache is back, I’m wondering should I txt him? Should I extend a gesture of friendship and make the first move or just wait till he wants to talk? What if he stops talking? What if he walks away again with no reason? Would I break again? 

I found myself unsure of what to say to him when we did speak, not only because I was hurt and angry but he made me doubt my words. He made me doubt how I am. How can someone do that? 

Nobody understands me either, they don’t get why I forgave him. 

I miss my friend.

I want rid of the head fuckage. 

Who do you think you are? ….

So everything kicked off right?

My daughter was judged because she’s not ‘saved’ and has ‘mared’ her body with tattoos and colours her hair. She’s also judged on who her family are, who she’s related to and who her father is. So for her Christian friend, his daddy thinks she’s not a good person or should I say, she’s not good enough for his son. Either as a friend or somebody to date. 

This has really, really angered me. (& I get really fucking sweary when I’m pissed off!)

And this is what happened to me with HIM and my head has been well and truly fucked this past week. Some of which had raised more questions than giving me answers but that’s another post another day. 

I am a single parent. My kids come before everything else. They know right from wrong, good from evil. They have been taught not to judge anybody on their race, religion, etc and they’ve been taught to respect, show compassion and kindness. My kids make me fucking proud! They don’t do drugs, they don’t hang out in the wrong company, they don’t steal, they don’t vandalise, they have never brought the police to my door. Yet someone who doesn’t know them judges my family because they don’t go to church or believe in god!?!

I’m judged for what I say, even when I’m trying to be a friend and help. Well, let me tell you, if you want to be a judgemental cockwomble, you go right ahead. That’s your perogitive but I won’t let you make me or my children feel inferior, belittled or fill us with self doubt that what we say or do isn’t worthy, isn’t helpful, isn’t enough.

So take yer opinions and shove them so far up yer arse that you could use them as a toothbrush and clean yer teeth. 

Religion in this country is the bane of our lives and no way will I let it affect my kids when it doesn’t need to.  Who do you think you are? 

Well incase nobody tells you, I will, you’re a judgemental ignorant selfish being and you’ll mean nothing to us. I won’t give you the power of screw with my head or my kids. They are good humans, with awesome morals and ethics and beliefs. Your narrow mindness will not change that!