So beware, it’s gonna be a rather long post. If you’re gonna read it till the end, go make yer brew then get comfy.
They say us humans are a sociable bunch and we need connections. We become a better person when we can share our lives with others. So what happens to us that are on our own?
I had a conversation with HIM tonight and we were talking about what he was looking for with a partner. He said he wanted to connect. It wasn’t to be based just on lust.
But doesn’t lust play a part? Don’t you feel like you need to be physically attracted to a person? Or is that just society and it’s rules. Does a blind person fall in love a person because of how they connect to them, or because they feel the other person’s face and think “oh nice!”
There is a quote I once read somewhere that said “we read books and fall in love with the characters, not because we know what they look like but we find a connection to their soul”, their character is what we see unfold in our minds from the words, what the author portrays as the fictional character’s beliefs, morals. Is this not the same in films?
I watched an episode of first dates earlier. The girl told the guy she wants to have the wedding, the children, the happily ever after”. The guy told her “she read too many books” and she said “that’s because we want the fairy tale” and he said “exactly”. Do guy’s not want that? Don’t you’s want to come home to somebody and tell them about the funny thing that happened during your day or have that hug you needed to just feel good and as you go to pull away she’ll hug you tighter because she knows you need that extra bit of loving. I asked HIM what he was wanting and he said the connection. I get it. I yearn for it too.
How good would it be to take his shirt off the hanger and smell his scent and slip it on when you wanna feel near him and he’s not there. How good would it be to make the dinner, chat about your day and have an adult conversation. How good would it be to throw your legs over his and curl up on the sofa and watch a movie, or go for a walk together with the kids and the dog. I want to sit together and make you smile and hear you laugh. I want to feel your arms pull me closer to your body at night in bed and feel your breath on my neck when you nuzzle closer and feel safe. loved. secure. That’s the fairytale I want. The fairytale I want gives me a man who loves me for me. who tells me i make him a better person, who shows me he loves me and is devoted to me, and we can be loyal, faithful, loving, supportive together. I want someone to tell their friends I make everything worth it. I want a guy that I can tell my friends, I can rock being a single parent queen but I found my king to share my world with. what is wrong with that?
I know when I feel like I connect I dive straight in, I wanna know all about you. The way I look on it is this, I’m an open book. if you make the effort, ask me questions, want to know me, then the answers are there in my pages. There’s finding the person who wants to read your story, but it’s completely different finding the person who wants to be part of your story till it ends.
I found a quote online about being a smart girl. “the smart girl is the overthinker, the insecure one, the one whose different. They know the real world and how it works, they analyse every little thing, the reason? to not get hurt, to find happiness. they stay up late at night thinking about every possible situation to get through a problem, They think too much, they don’t trust too many people and their insecurity proves their respect towards themselves. Smart girls know their worth, and they are the ones you should keep”
I overthink every. single. thing. I don’t trust people. I don’t let many people in. I can tell you opinion, i can give you advice on YOUR problems but I won’t let you in to mine. Take HIM for example. He knows he can tell me anything, I do not judge. He knows he can phone me any time day or night and just vent and I am here for him. But who is here for me? This evening I found myself nearly ready to tell him what was on my mind, I pulled back, I told him he didn’t need to know. That must have sounded like I was a right bitch but I didn’t mean it in the sense of he shouldn’t know. I just meant that I didn’t want to bother him.
I am a single parent. I do not have the luxury of having another parent or partner in my life to share, vent or brainstorm with. I have to make sacrifices and choose a priority and even when I know the choice I make will hurt and disappoint one of my kids, the other one needs me too and I can’t split myself in two to be in two places at once. The guilt of this eats at me. am I alone in this? do any other single parents feel like shit when they can’t be in two places at the same time? If I tell this to anybody else I can feel the judgement. I am a bad parent. I’m failing at a mother. Trust me, I get it. The thoughts you have of me will be nothing compared to the judgement I have on myself.
I lie awake at night and think how can I find a solution. nobody offers me help. nobody says I can give you a hand, nobody look at me and says “what can i do to fucking help you and the kids out” NOBODY! so I have the choice of which one to disappoint. which one to let down. YOU do not need to have your judgement and disappointment of me drip from your being, I can assure you, I feel like shit enough as it is.
I have had some amazing guys be part of my life. I have had my “one that got away”. They say it’s better to have loved and lost rather than never to have loved at all. maybe so, but if you haven’t loved then you don’t get the pain. you don’t get the longing for something you can’t have, or grieve the loss of something you never had in the first place. You can connect to people on a friendly term and not worry about guarding yourself from love.
But then you also never get to experience the nervous butterflies in your tummy. the spine tingling sensation when they kiss your lips for the first time. the goosebumps rising on your skin when they touch you, you don’t get to experience the rush of excitement when you see how you make that person react to your touch, the smile on their face when they see you, their eyes brighten when they make you laugh, or darken when you moan with lust. you don’t get to experience that feeling of contentment, safety, security, loving, importance, worship, completeness if you have the walls up too high. No guy wants to break the walls down. no guy wants to see what’s worthy behind them. So while i’m there for everybody else. I don’t have anybody for me. I am on my own. I accepted it a long time ago. I shut down. I lived for the kids and me. Then D came along. He shook my foundations. BIG TIME!. He took an interest, he encouraged, he supported, he was a real gentleman. He was what I needed at the time. but it killed me loving him. He wasn’t interested in me. I was just someone online. I had my moment of clarity, I cried driving home that evening & I let myself heal. I knew exactly what I wanted, what I deserved. Now HE’s came along and while I love being his mate, I love being able to help him out, it’s been nearly a year now and I can feel my emotions getting deeper. the connection is growing for me on my side of things and I know I can’t let it, I have to nip it in the bud. It will not go anywhere because I am the one everyone can turn to when they need somebody, but I am NOT the person that guys fall in love with. I’m always the friend.