Why do we always set ourselves up for a situation that we know isn't gonna end well and cause us absolutely fucking sheer heart break?
I had a clarity moment the other day, and tonight it really struck home that I've totally screwed myself over regarding heart ache and HIM.
I'm not what He wants, I know that. I'm the friend. I get it, I do. I'm the one that he can complain to now. There's no jokes, no laughing with a bit of banter & certainly no more flirting.
We lost whatever that was before our major falling out and either we don't trust each other or we don't want to go through that again, but there's a distance there. It's not in my mind tho, cuz I can see how he's acting with other women online & I'm definitely in my place.
Tonight it hurt. If I could have ripped my heart out so I didn't have to feel anything I would have. Why do we do it? Why do we feel the need to attach ourselves to somebody and even at that, why do we get attached to those we know we don't have a chance in hell with?
It's fucking torture!!
And while I'm suffering, he's doing whatever. He's ok, he's not feeling the same thing, he's busy flirting with everybody else.
I swore after D that I wouldn't go through this again. Maybe I need to step away from my social media right enough. Just take a break from everybody online cuz let's face it, it ain't like they're gonna miss me. It's a lesson I don't seem to learn from,
I wanna just jump in the car and drive. Music in my ears loudly to drown out my thoughts. I can't cope anymore with the head fuckage.