HE was on the phone with me today. I always love hearing his voice. He can talk to me about anything and I just listen to his timber.  It’s funny, how he makes me feel and i smile, this is me just setting myself up again for a major blow right?

I can’t tell him to let me know when he’s home after he’s out on his bike. Firstly, I don’t want to come across as all wannabe girlfriend rights etc but mostly it’s because I do genuinely care. Secondly I don’t wanna scud the fella! I guess after all this time, I don’t want to have another Leslie situation where he phones me before going out on his bike and then gets killed to have someone from his family phone me, give me a five second conversation and rip out my heart.  If anything happened to HIM I’d be truly heartbroken. so I can’t tell him outright, can’t say the specific words but today I kinda said it in a round a bout way and when he came home, he let me know.

I didn’t realise I’d been as tense until the words pinged on my phone and I slowly exhaled.

Things aren’t back to the way they were but we’re getting there. Maybe our conversations will increased when he’s back to work next week. I want to talk to him all the time, I miss hearing his voice, his laugh but I don’t like to annoy him, I don’t wanna come across a needy. lol “I’m not needy, I’m wanty”, isn’t that how the pinterest quote goes.

It’s not just him though, I’m finding that I’m not connecting with people online as much as I used to. Have you been part of the online community for long? I’ve been on now for nearly 20 years. From the old dial-up tones, msn messengers, freeserve cafe chat rooms to yahoo and now social media has totally blew up into fb, instagram, twitter etc. see what I mean about it all changing, you have to change too. you have to evolve with the people you talk to, the technology you use etc. so when our friendships change and evolve, it’s totally ok to let those that don’t stand us any further way to evolve fall away right?

I’m worried that my friendship with HIM will be like that. That he’ll talk to me till he gets his life in the place he wants to be, with a lovely girl and settled down and I’ll be like the old freeserve chat rooms.. outdated. stuck in the past. not needed anymore.

so being totally selfish, how do I continue on with the friendship knowing it’s going to run a course & I’ll be, once again, the person left behind?

Is it really, really bad that I know when I make a new friendship now, that they don’t hang around and i’ll be left, it’s routine. people come into my life, they need something i apparently can give and then when they have their needs met, i’m tossed to the side. how do i stop this pattern? esp when I don’t know why people leave. It’s not like I can ask them either.

maybe i push them away, not realising that’s why i do. am I pushing him away? i know a much as I’d love to be in contact with him daily & for hours, it’s not gonna be like that. already the good morning and good night messages are gone.  I know he tells me at time that he doesn’t call, but that i haven’t called him either. so it’s a two-way street right? I should be making the moves first too but i don’t like to bother him, i know he’s tired after his day, or night, shift at work, I know he’s busy on his day’s off so i don’t wanna annoy him. Maybe though, he feels the friendship is more one-sided then because he has to make contact first. maybe he needs to feel the butterflies when he sees my name come up on his screen when i call like it does with me…. lol more than likely though, he’s thinking fuck, she’s on to chat again. can’t get rid of her.

I guess I just miss the connection with an adult.

does that make me a twat? sounds totally desperate right?

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