This may be the one thing that I'll never be able to do... something to aspire to I guess

We only have one life. No, i’m not gonna go one about the YOLO shit, because you die once, you live everyday that you wake up, open your eyes and breathe.

But there’s a difference between living and existing.

I know i’m only existing. I’m not living. I’m not happy and I can’t let my happiness be dependant on others when they aren’t my anchors in life.

Twice now, I’ve made friends with people who have entwined in my life. Both times, these friends haven’t been happy in their own lives and I’ve done everything in my power to be a great friend. support them. give them the shoulder to cry on. share the laughter and jokes when they arise and connect on a personal level.  These friendships have destroyed me more than my failed relationships and that’s easy to understand because when it came to the relationships, I didn’t care, I didn’t want them to work out, I didn’t love the person like they should have been loved, but my friendships? That’s different. If I’m friends with someone, i’m connected. my circle is tight and there is a reason for it. those who are part of it get me, all of me.  So, now that these two friendships are over or at least one is and the other heading that way it seems, they have broke my soul.

I will never get the apology, the truest, sincerest, genuine apology that I deserve from these two yet I need to find a way to say “you’re forgiven” not for them, but for me, so i can move on and be happy with my life. I need to forgive them so i’m not left being angry and bitter.

I was told, “you can’t be the anchor for everybody and drown yourself in the process” and that’s exactly what I have been doing.

I found a website yesterday, completely by accident when looking for something else, but it was all about dealing with your negative thoughts.

It asks you to think of what you can do to steady your feelings when you’re feeling low?

it makes you ask what you can control?

It makes you take stock of the situation and spins it on it’s axels asking you to look at it and ask does it need to make you feel worthless in life?

Who are you? What do you believe in? what are your morals and beliefs?

Does the situation taint any of your good qualities, enhance them? show your true reflection?

It also gives advice, pointers like:

Give yourself time to get out to the other side

Be your own hero, depend on you and you alone

it reminds us that we have the power and control over how we react to every single thing that happens to us, so why give that control of our emotions and happiness to somebody else? I control how I react, it’s my choice

It also tells you to find a way to gain inspiration, who you are, what you love, like a passion. ignite it.

Work out a way to release the bad energy. even if it’s through sweat, blood and tears, inhale your power, exhale the negativity. breathe.

Of course, all this is easier said than done, but you have to be positive. you have to want to be happy.

so what makes you happy?

it could simply be to smile

reading your favourite book

stop complaining and moaning, you’re feeding the negativity and not empowering your positivity

appreciate the small things. details people. it’s all in the details, small things soon gather up and become pretty darn big.

A big one, esp if you’re like me and fight through life, is to list your accomplishments. becoming a parent, seeing how good your kids have turned out while doing it alone. going back to college and gaining your qualifications at the highest level (and for me, graduating 2nd highest in my class!) creating your own job. becoming your own boss, succeeding in living your dream…. be proud of what you bring to the table, we must learn and remember to NEVER let anybody drag our achievements in the gutter, for they have absofuckinglutely got NO IDEA how hard we busted our asses off to get them!

mentor someone. be inspiration for someone else, let your story help guide somebody else to greatness.

wear your favourite clothes. For the first time in 20 years I’m wearing a pair of ripped jeans. sounds stupid right, but being a mum became my whole identity, I forgot about me as a person, what I liked to wear, how good clothes could make me feel from a simple pair of ripped jeans to a bra that gives my girls great support and lifts them (big boobed girls, you’ll get this right? how awesome is it to get a bra that fits ((no four boobs)) gives you the support the girls need and, AND, is a pretty bra!! with gorgeous details and funky colours! it’s the simple things right!). I didn’t love me as a person. I’ve said it before and I stand by it, The hardest relationship you will ever be in is in the one with yourself. If you need to learn how to love yourself do it, for no matter how great your partner/lover is, or anybody in your life for that matter, if you are not in love with yourself, your standards will be low and you won’t have the love to the level you deserve. you cannot expect a great love story if you don’t fall inlove with your own character first. so wear the clothes that make you feel good. have your hair the colour you want, wear the make up that makes you feel beautiful, feel amazing in the underwear that makes you feel sexy and lush.

Be your own anchor, steady yourself and love yourself. give yourself a break and learn to focus on the inner voice. that is you. that is the one you need to shout and scream at if you’re hearing negative thoughts, gag that bitch up and seal her mouth with duct tape, swing those sexy hips of yours and sashay away, you’re incredible. you’re amazing. Don’t ever forget it. and FUCK EVERYONE ELSE!

you’re awesome!


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