Ever get to a point in your life where ye just want to walk away from it all, disappear and start fresh? Finding yourself day dreaming of a clean slate. 

No mistakes made.

No regrets

No head fuckage

That’s me. I’m tired. I’m tired of always being there for everybody else and nobody here for me. Tonight I was standing at the sink doing my dishes and I thought, “if I was to die today, would anybody come to my funeral other than family?”

And the sad part was I could count on one hand a few people who may be upset, but I don’t think would go out of their way to attend. 

It reminded me of my wedding, we sat at the reception and speeches were made, at the end it was open to the floor and you could have heard a pin drop. Nobody had any stories, jokes or well wishes. It also the moment I knew my marriage was over before it really got started.

So does that say the same for my life? I’m existing, I know I am, but I’m not living. I’ve no stories to tell, no jokes to laugh at, no memories of banter with friends, no trips to look back on other than family holidays I’m barely now even remembering. 

I’m stressed. I’m living a life in fear of rejection. I’m plodding along doing nothing, it’s like the wheels are in motion but I’m sleeping behind the wheel. I’m waiting for the crash!

I know I can’t expect anything to change if I don’t make the change. My head is all over the place. My kids are growing up way too fast, my daughter is looking forward to leaving home and going to uni. She’s got nothing here for her. Can I blame her for wanting to leave when I knew at 15 I wanted to live on my own. 

I’ve had too many guys screw with my mind over the years and the latest has kinda annoyed me more than the rest.  Even tho he shut me out, I let him back in again and he’s went silent again, yet he’s watching what I post online. Tho he doesn’t know about my blog, it’s the only place I can truly vent and moan without those who are just a bit too close to home knowing what’s going on in my head cuz let’s face it, nobody really gives a flying fuck!

I can give out all the help, advice, opinions till the cows come home, everybody knows they can turn to me, but who have I got to turn to? 

But this isn’t me. I’m not grumpy, I’m not depressed. I love to smile and laugh and give hugs and sit round the fire pit and have a chat and cuddle under the blanket while the embers glow, I love going places and photographing everything and anything my eye catches, yet I sit, doing none of it. What the hell have I became? 

I want my clean slate. 

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