When I am asked for advice, my usual thing I end up saying is “Trust your gut, because your head overthinks everything, your heart yearns for everything but your gut, that’s true instinct and normally it’s never wrong”.

Today my gut is fluttering with nervous butterflies. HE hasn’t been in touch now in over 24 hours which is soooo out of sorts for him lately but I don’t want to come across as being too pushy or forward but texting him first to see what’s wrong. NOWT could be wrong ffs, he’s more than likely just doing his job and knackered by the time he gets home and just wants a few days peace and quiet.

But it’s made me think…. Why do people befriend us and then whenever we serve whatever purpose we posed for them, obviously not true friendship, they leave? And they do it like a sneaky bastard. They just stop all contact!!! show yer balls and just say “Hey, sorry but I don’t have time to have you in my life” or “you know what, we just don’t gel” or even “i’m a selfish fucker whose got what i needed, now cheerio!”.  Jumpin’ crickets that’s better than the radio silence. Don’t worry though, you fuckwits, your silence speaks volumes about the type of person YOU are and not us decent folk who unlike you, aren’t arrogant, ignorant plebs!

I used to think it was me. Honestly. I’m one of those girls that people come to when they need something. I’m the one what drops my life to help them with theirs. They say that if you think about it, you still care. I don’t want to care, but I do. Not that my language choice today is not reflecting me in a good tone I know, but I should fucking care. That’s who I am. I care. I worry.

My last best friend went to hell and on her way back cut me out of her life completely. NO CONTACT whatsoever, outta the blue, one day we’re chatting away as normal. the next. BAM! It was like i didn’t exist.

I won’t lie, it hurt me something shocking and it took me a long time to get over it. I wondered what the hell I had done wrong. had I said something out of place? had a I forgotten something really important? but no, she got from me whatever she needed and has never spoken to me since. Now though, looking back, I can say i really shouldn’t have been surprised. I had gave her all my attention, helped her out as much as I could and the second I put my own families needs first, everything changed. My kids come before friends. end of.

 

I had another friend who made me feel like the old me I’d lost over the years from making the wrong choice in men. I lost who I was, I didn’t have my meaning of what my life was supposed to be. I was drifting…. he stopped me though. He built up my confidence, he helped me when I struggled, he listened. he encouraged and shared the laughter in my success, he listened when I was angry and showed my fear, he settled me when my nerves became too much and he talked me off the ledge.  He made me laugh, he made me see me again. the me that I was growing up into before I lost her. Then one night we’re on the phone, you know those calls, where you have so much to talk about and then there’s a change. there’s awkward pauses, there’s long silences, and you know you’ve both just breathed a sigh of relief when the call has ended yet you’re still wondering what the hell just happened? He’s left too.

I thought then why should I chase people? fuck, nobody ever chases me? I lift and I lay, but nobody fucking ever says to me, “Hey, fancy meeting up for lunch?” or “Just a call/text to see how your day is going, you need anything?”… no, THAT’S ME!!!!

I never say no.

I am the one that worries & cares, I’m the one who would love the magic wand to make everybody else feel fucking fantastic. I’m the one who moves heaven and earth to help where and when I can. so should I let the bastards who in the end ignore me, change me?

Should i stop asking “how are you?”

Should I stop saying “text me to let me know you’ve got home ok”

Should I stop  letting others know “you’re important”

Should I stop going to those who need it and say “i’m going to hug you now!”

Should I be cold and distant like those arrogant shites

Should I be angry with the world

Should I stop being me?

FUCK NO!

Take yer silence that speaks volumes about YOU and I’ll make all the fucking noise in the world to those who deserve ME! Even if that’s just myself!

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