Hey baby, 

It’s that time of year again & I have my grief that fills me up. I can’t believe it’s been 17 years since you died but my grief comes in waves along with our memories. 

I remember our conversations, esp our last. I remember the phone call. I remember the heartbreaking pain. I remember the nightmares. Your death broke me. I’ve never grieved like that for anybody, not before you and definitely not after you. 

The bit that’s upset me the most recently is I can’t hear your voice in my head anymore. I know you had a deep timber but the actual tone is just out of my reach. Is that awfully wrong? How can I not remember? It doesn’t mean you don’t mean as much to me now as you did back then, but I’m sorry baby, it’s like I can hear your voice on the phone but it’s muffled, distorted. That breaks my heart all over again. 

You’d be so proud of my girl, I wish you could have been around to see her grow up. I know I would have definitely needed your shoulder to cry on during the hard times. And you never got to meet my boy, you would have fallen in love with him. He would have made you laugh so much. Oh god, do I miss you terribly. 

I know I have other male friends but baby you have that special place in my heart and nobody will ever replace it. It’s the shattered part that never healed. But although it’s in a million pieces, it’s a million pieces of you, your words, your laugh, how you made me feel, the butterflies, our late night conversations, your photos and smell and much much more. 

I miss your advice. You would be pissed with me for some of my recent choices,  I get it, that’s why I not making the same mistake twice. But baby, this guy, he makes me laugh like you did, he makes me feel like you did, he gave me new butterflies too. I think you would like him, he accepts my life, my responsibility and he checks in like you did. Every day. Every night. 

I have my walls so high tho, I can’t fall deep again like I did, I’ve been hurt too much. I know, stop telling me off and giving me the side eye! I know you’re right, I know I need to let people in or I’ll grow old on my own, yes we both know that’s not what I want, I know life is too short but I’m not ready.

I miss you. I miss your voice. I wish I could phone you one more time just to hear you, your laugh, telling me to be safe.

I’m sorry baby, I truly am. 17 years on and I still feel like I put the scuds on you. If I could change our conversation I would never have told you to keep it between the hedges. It hurts so much still, knowing those were my last words. So once again, 17 years on I’ll tell you now, I hope your riding with the legends in the sky, I hope you have peace & I love you always xoxoxo

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