ANYONE who knows me, knows I hate getting my photograph taken. When it is taken, my anxiety levels rise, I get a rush of adrenaline and my heart rate spikes..NONE of this is good. I’m not a stunner, I’m not pretty. I am thee most judgemental person over myself more than anybody else.
I keep it a rule that I do not put ANY images up on my social media of myself unless I a: take them myself and b: like them. So last week, we had friends over to our side of the pond for a holiday and they met us for the first time. My heart sank, all I could think about was how they perceived me. It was made worse when they took my photo…. this sent me off on an anxiety spike, which couldn’t have happened at a worse time because my illness decided to flare up last week too so I was chewing pain meds like sweets. My body was swollen and in pain and even though I told them I didn’t like my photograph taken and NOT to put the images online, they’re up.
All week my anxiety has peeked, I’ve been feeling rough and if im honest i’m so embarrassed. Nobody gets it. Nobody understands how it feels.
On one hand, I’m independent and confident. I will tackle what’s threw at me and I don’t stand for any crap. With those I’m comfortable with, I’m me because they don’t judge me. but those people I can count on one hand. I have “friends” online, they know me. They know the “real me” as in my personality, my morals, beliefs etc, but they don’t know me. They don’t see i’m left handed and yet still do things as a right handed person except write. They don’t see the things that make me who I am…. because I don’t let them.
There was an advert online a few months back, which showed a ladies clothes shop. They had customers come in and they read the clothing labels. These ladies were horrified by what they read. The labels were body shaming, degrading, sad and angry. These labels were our inner thoughts about how we look at ourselves and judge our own bodies. To see them written down, one lady said really upset her. She didn’t realise that’s how she was talking to herself. It didnt matter what size your body was, what shape it was, the idea was that we are living in a society that makes you feel ugly and shameful if you don’t look like what they class as the perfect woman.
It made me think of this advert to think of the photographs taken of me. How I look does not define me as a person. I am defined as being a left handed person, I am not defined either by my body size and shape. I am not defined by my one bigger boob than the other, I am not defined by my hair colour, I am not defined by the clothes I wear.
WHO I AM is someone who has a huge heart, I care for my friends, I am fiercely loyal, honest, I don’t turn people away from me who need a shoulder, I will drop everything and help someone who needs it, I bring my kids up to love everything in life, not to judge others at all, except people for who they are. We give respect, we love, we laugh, we hug and we support those in hard times. Isn’t it the small things that matter? Holding hands while sitting on a bench? loving your partner because they love you. worshipping their soul and who they are as human being, not on how good looking they are.
Your personality and character define who you are.
not your looks.
so I have to remind myself, I am a good person. I am loving, I am supportive, I give alot.
If that’s not important enough to people, if they judge me on my looks and body, doesn’t that say more about them and not me. if so, then why cant I stop the voice in my head degrading me? How can we love others when we can’t love ourselves and how can we expect to be treated the way we yearn to be treated if we treat ourselves badly.
is there any wonder there’s so much head fuckage in the world!