Do you have any emotional defence habits? 

Over the past lots of months I’ve been friends with a guy on social media. Recently we’ve been chatting on the phone a lot more and if I’m honest with myself, I like him. 

This will never become anything because a) I’m sure he’s not interested in that way and b) even if he was, he lives too far away. But I have to admit, I love listening to him on the phone. 

My defence habit is stay hidden. I don’t take photos of myself in general, the only ones I do take are for my social media avi and even then they are few and far between.

I’ve learnt very quickly that people leave. My walls are so high, I don’t let anybody in. Isn’t that a sad way to live? I know it is, but the risk of having all that pain again when it goes wrong is just something I can’t don’t again.

So this leaves me in a predicament because when guys get to know me they want to know who they are taking to. Which in fairness, I’d want to know who I’m talking to too.  But I can’t unveil myself. Im too vulnerable then. Does that make any sense? 

My anxiety level shoots to the moon and beyond when I’m asked what do I look like because for so many years I’ve been judged. I’ve been single way too long that I don’t think I could put myself out there to be rejected. 

So, while I’m happy in my bubble, I know that sounds completely selfish, that I don’t give the guy a chance and I’m thinking he’s the same as everybody else (and yes that’s wrong to do!) am I a bad person? Does that make me wrong for locking down? 

I know because of this I’ll never have what I want, I’ll never be in a relationship and I’ll be single and alone. One half of me accepted that a long time ago but when you’re reminded of it, it’s a slap of reality 

I help everybody with problems and issues and yet I can’t work out my own. I’m so stupid at times! 


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