I’ve had a great day. Didn’t have any shit bothering in my mind. I was out in the woods with the kids and breathing in fresh air and taking a long drive along the coast on the way home, music playing, singing along. I didn’t once lose my temper with the kids, even tho they were skating a very thin line with my patience at one point, but hey, they’re siblings, it’s what they do!
The second I came home I got the dishes done, helped the youngest with his homework and settled down to relax.
Yet as I lie here in my bath I think of the what if’s, the self doubt raises its head about a lot of different things and of course there’s still the ‘lonely’ issue whirling around like a fog sunshine just can’t burn off.
It’s driving me nuts!!! Do you know that in the last 7years every single school holiday my kids have had I don’t sleep? Yeah! Now, I broke up with the ex over the last of summer holidays at the time, I miss the routine at Christmas Eve but I don’t miss him. Yet all I can think of is when it comes to the break in the routine I can’t sleep. Last night was the first proper full nights sleep I got since the holiday insomnia woke up. I got a full night’s sleep, no dreams remembered, no waking up throughout the night, just solid sleep.
Tonight though, it’s like the moment I’m relaxed and feel drowsy the mind just stirs up and like tickertape floods me with every mundane thought possible!
How the fuck do I stop this?