I’ve been a night owl since my teens. I was the one that was always up late because I’d my head in a book, or I’d be waiting for my parents to go to sleep so my older boyfriend could come to my window and see me at the end of each day where we’d have a chat, a smoke and a kiss.
When I became a parent my sleep pattern never changed. The late night feeds were always when I was still awake anyway and my husband at the time was on night shift so I’d be online chatting to friends who were wide awake too,
Eventually though, I got to sleep at a regular hour when I met my ex. I guess it was the fact that I loved curling into his side, and with my head on his chest I’d fall asleep listening to his heartbeat. When we split up though, my insomnia came back. I didn’t sleep for 4 months. I couldn’t bear to close my eyes because every time I did I was imaging what he’d been up to with his mistress. Completely stupid of me I know but hey we fucking torture ourselves.
After we split, I got my life into a routine with kids, we eventually got to our happy place and we were doing good. All that emotional connection I’d lost was packed tight into a treasure trunk with a big fuck off padlock on it and buried deep into the back of the mind. I never thought about a guy, I never thought about what I was missing.
HE blew it all outta the waters of my mind. HE busted Pandora’s box. HE let it all loose and HE, dare i say it, made me fucking happy. HE made me smile. HE gave me butterflies. HE believed in me, HE encouraged me, HE made me see my old self again and I loved him for that. You know what HE was right…. The dream guy we think about when we’re growing up. Our ideal man. HE ticked ALL the fucking boxes.
But unfortunately for me, HE was never gonna be anything more that what HE was. HE will never know just how much he did for me at that particular time in my life. I was a newly single parent, I’d just moved house, I was back at college as a mature student, HE supported me, He was like my rock, He calmed me. He made me believe in the magic again.
They say too much of a good thing is bad right….. and as an Aquarius I over think everything. HE dominated my mind for years. Every single day, Every single moment from the second I woke up to even invading my dreams…. the guy was just there.
Until recently. I was driving home from dropping my eldest off at her course one evening and as usual I had the radio on and I’m singing along on. I don’t know why but I started to cry and I got angry at myself and on that 35 minute journey I truly accepted I’ll never be anything to him. I’ll never be his love. I’ll never be his real friend even. I’m just a person HE spoke to online and we had that moment of time where he supported me when I was my most vulnerable. so why the fuck i’m killing myself mentally and emotionally over somebody I’ll never probably meet!!!!! we are fucking insane!!! why do we do this to ourselves? I’d love to know why the fuck I fall for someone soooo hard when I know I never stood a chance. It was never on the cards to happen. So as I’m driving along and I’m thinking this shit, I actually feel myself feeling better. It’s easy for the head to accept it quicker than the heart so they say but on the drive both accepted the brutal truth. I woke up the next morning and not once did HE come into my mind. On one hand I felt relief & on the other I felt lost.
Fast forward a few months to now and I’ve another friend (Geez, that sounds bad but trust me it’s not, most of my friends are guys, I find women can be just too dramatic, although you guys are giving them a run for their money!!) and he’s like me, he’s been single for a substantial amount of time and with me not sleeping and him on nightshift we chat. Our conversations are about life, what’s annoying us, what’s making us happy, what’s in our thoughts at 4am! We miss being connected to a person. Sure sex is a thing but that’s not even it. it’s the wee things. like waking up on a sunday morning, curling into your partner, legs entwined and inhaling their scent. You get it right? that wholeness smell. Like you can smell their aftershave mixed with laundered sheets and just their scent. it’s home. Or when you’re watching telly and you lie down on the sofa and you just want the big oversize cushion to be his thighs and feel his fingers sliding through your hair and your just sink with bliss.
ALL this shit was locked in the emotional Pandora’s box. NONE of this was yearned for ages. I didn’t need it. I didn’t want it and fuck me, now it’s all that’s going around in my head.
Does that make me desperate?
Is this why I’m feeling like I’m being sucked into a dark void and I’m battling with myself telling myself i’m not depressed.
Am I lonely? of course, christ, I love my kids but they don’t fulfil my every need.
Do I want someone to meet me and know immediately I am their one. C’mon of course I’d love that. No matter what happened with the exes they never ripped the belief I have a true love story.
Are all the books, movies and music I listen to giving me false hope in the kinda man I want? Id love to say yes but then I think of HIM and I can’t deny there are guys that tick the boxes out there, I just don’t attract them.
Can I enjoy the conversations I have with my friends late at night and get to vent out what I don’t have another adult in the house to vent out to? I love it. I love being able to get it off my chest and knowing I’m not the only one who thinks that way.
But it all doesn’t stop me longing & that’s the killer for me. I need to stop longing because I know I’m the girl who the guys don’t love. I’m the girl that everybody leaves and I learnt to accept that a long time ago. I just wish the Pandora’s box would take all the longing back and weld itself shut.