I woke up this morning and remembered my post from last night. It’s helped me to get the anger released from my mind. Today I am much calmer and although I’m still grieving for my friend, the anger has left and now I am praying that they are in a more peaceful place.

But the events of their death has made me sit up and take a look at myself. I have been so moody the past few days and took a real downer the other day. It was same day my friend died. Could I have been harnessing their energy? I dunno. Am I looking for answers and reasons to accept it, probably.

They told me I needed to get back to having a social life. It’s not an excuse really but I can’t. I am a single parent. I don’t have another parent that my children can spend time with so I can enjoy a bit of freedom. But, it’s the whole thing of if I don’t get out, how will I meet someone?

 

During one of our late night conversations, at 3.57am (yes, i’m that person that remembers the times and places of things) we were talking about our lives. The choices we made, the good, the bad & the ugly. It was one of those conversations where it was so open, raw and truthful. It was amazing to actually be able to lie there, say what I needed to say knowing I wouldn’t be judged. My friend asked me out on a date.

me. on a date!

Do you know how long it’s been since someone asked me out? ….. An extremely long time!

He completely threw me. I panicked yet I was elated. He will never know how big my smile was that night, how the good he made me feel. But my problem is my mind. I’m there for everybody else, yet I’ve nobody here for me. so when good things like being asked out on a date happen. I decline. I live in fear. why? because I don’t know any better. I get attached. I fall hard. yet i’m not enough. Everybody leaves me. My walls are too high for people to scale, for people to want to put the effort in. yes i’m protecting myself. I’m keeping out the hurt, but even my friend knew, i’m also keeping out the joy.

Will I become like my friend and die alone?

If i don’t get out to meet people how will i ever find my soulmate?

I’m gonna be that person who won’t get her magic, won’t get the happy ever after.

i’m the person who won’t get the 60 years of marriage anniversary. I may never even get 20. That’s sad. Truly heartbreaking for an old romantic like me.

I won’t get the sunday morning lie in’s with sneaky quiet kisses and slow passionate deep sex while giggling trying not to waken the kids.

I won’t get the hand holding and forehead kisses.

so how do you accept it?

how do you accept the loss and still be happy in life?

 

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