I woke up this morning and realised it was Friday. I stretched in bed and gathered enough will to haul my ass up and get my son down to his school bus. I got my daughter to her hair appointment and I came home. That whole weekend vibe, fucking sunshine and sparkles is what I should be feeling right?
Ever get that feeling you need to disappear?
Like, you just need to take your life offline, shut down the phone and reboot your life?
My head and heart are telling my soul now for a very long time that I am not happy.
I feel like I exist for everybody else. I take my children and my parents to wherever they need to go. they’re all fed and watered, clothed and they do their thing.
They have their social lives. I don’t get out.
I can say I have friends. Sure, I have people I talk to online. by social media, but, I don’t have friends who come to my home everyday. I don’t have people I can cry to, I don’t have people I an ask for help. I’m a single mum, with now two teenagers. One will be starting their university journey and the other lives everyday socially shunted because they have autism.
Tell me the secret. How do I create a life that I am living and not just simply existing?
How do I stop feeling empty?
I hate this. I hate the self pity and the woe fucking be me. I hate sliding into the dark and twisty funks but fuck me, I just can’t seem to stop it this time.