21 days 

I never slept at all last night till nearly 7am this morning. I cried most of the night and my chest felt hallow. 

I woke up at lunch time and stared at my mascara tear stained pillow case and asked myself “is this who I am?”

Am I the girl who cries over a person they’ve never met, who was a voice in their phone, who connected with somebody online who doesn’t even live anywhere near them? The answer is ‘obviously’ and does the fact that it’s an online friendship make it any the less important to me? No. 

And will I cry every single night and lose sleep, drive myself crazy thinking about him, waiting for my phone to ring or my whatsapp notification to go off? No, no I don’t want that. I don’t want to be that person. 

I’m on such a downer and I can’t seem to stop myself from sliding further into the dark. Tomorrow marks 21 days from our bust up. That’s 21 days of no phone calls. That’s 21 days of being ignored. They say it takes 21 days to break a habit…. maybe that’s so, but how long does it take for the pain to ease and happiness rise again? 

When does it get easier?

I mean seriously, today I kept myself busy with the kids. Wouldn’t say HE wasn’t on my mind but I could function right.

This evening the kids and I were st the movies. And BAM! It was like HE just took over my headspace. 

How can one person do that? One person who became a big part of your daily life and then nothing. You know what it’s like?  It’s like grieving for somebody whose still alive. 

How do I stop my brain from constantly thinking of this guy cuz he’s made it pretty obvious to me now that he’s not gonna chat on the phone to me any longer. He’s done. 

So why can’t I stop? How has he became the replacement for D? I don’t need a guy, I’m not ready for a guy, but he wasn’t just a guy, he was a guy that I could totally be myself with. Do you know how fucking rare that is?  When you feel like you click & there’s freedom to just be you…. so I think that’s why I’m hurting so badly. I didn’t hide my personality, I didn’t hide my character, I didn’t feel the need to have my walls up. For the first time in nearly 8 years, EIGHT FUCKING YEARS, I could feel myself relax enough to let a guy in & he destroyed, absolutely oblivated me. 

So please, tell me, when does this get easier? How do I get over the loss of our friendship? 

Because it’s slowly killing me. When I’m truly me I know I’m not enough. I’m broken. 

Strangers can become such a deep part of our lives 

So tonight I was sitting waiting for my son coming home from his sports club and of course HE was on my mind and I was thinking about the lack of communication….

It made me wonder, has HE deleted my number?

Is that why he’s not chatting? He’s still following me on my social media but then I thought he can’t have deleted my number if he’s still showing up as a contact on my what’s app but then I thought, well is that right because technically I have his number on my phone so if he’s deleted my number, will he still show up on mine? If that makes any fucking sense whatsoever!

It’s kinda made me feel ill tho. I mean, after months of chatting am I really that easy to disregard? And then I look at my other friendships and relationships and the answer is yes, yes I fucking am! I have absolutely no fucking idea what I do wrong tho!?!

This whole situation is completely fucking with my head. Nearly four years it’s taken me to get over D, but I never felt physically pained like I do now.  Funny how strangers can become such a deep part of our lives in such a short period of time.

It doesn’t matter how much I miss him, how much I wanna be chatting to him again, to have a laugh, it’s all changed now ain’t it. It’s tainted and sad and a little heartbroken, just like me.

Confused 

HE is so frustrating and confusing me.

With absolutely no contact all last week, he liked and commented on my instagram post last night.  I replied because I’m not that much of bitch to ignore him, but maybe I should?

We don’t talk on the phone anymore, there’s no conversation online, there’s no messages. Yet no matter what I post up I know he’s looking at because he looks at my snaps, so if he’slooking at   them, he’s looking at my instagram. 

I don’t understand tho, why keep me as a contact if he won’t treat me as a friend? I know I wasn’t easy on the phone that day but fuck it I was angry, he hurt me more than he’ll ever know. Now, it feels like he’s judging me all over again. I try to get to a point where I accept he’s not talking to me, I try to find a way to put the daily thoughts of him locked into a box into the back of my mind, but he’s there. It never stops. 

And yes, I miss him. I miss his voice, his laughter, I miss how he made me feel when everything was good. I didn’t block him, I didn’t unfriend him, I just needed time to grieve the whole dilemma. Maybe that’s my fault, holding on to the bad because it’s the only thing that reminds me of the good.

I’m sure he’s not thinking of me, I’m sure he’s not starting a conversation with me online and then changing his mind, I’m sure now that I didn’t mean anything to him because you don’t treat the people you like in this way.

You know what the really sad thing is? I won’t unfriend him incase he talks to me again, but I know I’ll wake up some day and I’ll check my social media and he’ll have unfriended me. That day is the day he will have successfully broken me. That day will tell me I was truly nothing to him…. until then…. 

They don’t care if they break you

It’s officially now been over a week since HE spoke to me oh the phone and said sorry then stopped talking to me again. 

Yet he still follows my social media & I him. 

Three years it took me to get over D. I won’t let it take me another three to get over him.  It I find it really hard to shut him outta my thoughts. 

I think if our previous conversations, how he made me laugh, he made me smile every single day. So it’s hard to ignore the bad when it was so good.

They say it takes 21 days to break a habit.  But will the pain go away by then? Does he think of me? Does he miss chatting with me? Probably not. I probably don’t even flicker on his mind. 

He certainly doesn’t want to talk to me that’s for sure. If that’s the case, why doesn’t he just unfriend me on social media and remove me?  He’s not letting go either tho god knows why. 

I miss him though. I miss hearing his voice. I miss his low tone, I miss hearing his laughter. I miss our random topics and griping about the world. 

The whole thing is screening with my head.

It doesn’t help that the viper is back in touch. He’s only after one thing and I refuse to be that person. He’s like jackal and hyde. One minute he’s ok and the next he makes me feel like I’m worthless. He hasn’t been in touch for such a long time and no matter how snarky I am & give as good as I get, he wants to play the power game. 

So between the hurt HE caused, the fuckage from the viper and my kid telling me she’s ready to start new, leave home and how her friend’s dad has judged her without even meeting her, my head feels like it’s exploded. That’s why I’ve a migraine. 

He’s never gonna call again is he?

I’m pathetic for missing him right? 

I’ve lost my backbone & stubborn spirit 

They will never know how deeply they cut you, will they? 

And they simply don’t care if they break you. 

I’m broken 

I just want to break down and cry, yet I won’t waste my tears on someone who doesn’t deserve them. I haven’t felt this heart broken in years.

It’s like grieving somebody who is still alive. Why stay friends yet ignore me? What point does that prove? I already know he’s a bastard. The apology meant nothing, said to ease his own conscious. 

How do I make the pain stop?

I’m broken. I didn’t wanna let a guy break me again, but he’s succeeded. Maybe I’m truly not worthy. 

Dreaming of a clean slate

Ever get to a point in your life where ye just want to walk away from it all, disappear and start fresh? Finding yourself day dreaming of a clean slate. 

No mistakes made.

No regrets

No head fuckage

That’s me. I’m tired. I’m tired of always being there for everybody else and nobody here for me. Tonight I was standing at the sink doing my dishes and I thought, “if I was to die today, would anybody come to my funeral other than family?”

And the sad part was I could count on one hand a few people who may be upset, but I don’t think would go out of their way to attend. 

It reminded me of my wedding, we sat at the reception and speeches were made, at the end it was open to the floor and you could have heard a pin drop. Nobody had any stories, jokes or well wishes. It also the moment I knew my marriage was over before it really got started.

So does that say the same for my life? I’m existing, I know I am, but I’m not living. I’ve no stories to tell, no jokes to laugh at, no memories of banter with friends, no trips to look back on other than family holidays I’m barely now even remembering. 

I’m stressed. I’m living a life in fear of rejection. I’m plodding along doing nothing, it’s like the wheels are in motion but I’m sleeping behind the wheel. I’m waiting for the crash!

I know I can’t expect anything to change if I don’t make the change. My head is all over the place. My kids are growing up way too fast, my daughter is looking forward to leaving home and going to uni. She’s got nothing here for her. Can I blame her for wanting to leave when I knew at 15 I wanted to live on my own. 

I’ve had too many guys screw with my mind over the years and the latest has kinda annoyed me more than the rest.  Even tho he shut me out, I let him back in again and he’s went silent again, yet he’s watching what I post online. Tho he doesn’t know about my blog, it’s the only place I can truly vent and moan without those who are just a bit too close to home knowing what’s going on in my head cuz let’s face it, nobody really gives a flying fuck!

I can give out all the help, advice, opinions till the cows come home, everybody knows they can turn to me, but who have I got to turn to? 

But this isn’t me. I’m not grumpy, I’m not depressed. I love to smile and laugh and give hugs and sit round the fire pit and have a chat and cuddle under the blanket while the embers glow, I love going places and photographing everything and anything my eye catches, yet I sit, doing none of it. What the hell have I became? 

I want my clean slate. 

I want rid of the head fuckage

I had a brilliant wee day being productive, my headache eased and my heart didn’t ache. There was nothing to overthink or question.

I wasn’t fighting or being annoyed by people, nobody pissed me off.

Now I’m home, I’ve got five minutes peace before bed and I’ve realised that I miss HIM. We don’t talk anymore, there’s no messages, no phone calls and it hurts more than when he stopped talking. 

Now my headache is back, I’m wondering should I txt him? Should I extend a gesture of friendship and make the first move or just wait till he wants to talk? What if he stops talking? What if he walks away again with no reason? Would I break again? 

I found myself unsure of what to say to him when we did speak, not only because I was hurt and angry but he made me doubt my words. He made me doubt how I am. How can someone do that? 

Nobody understands me either, they don’t get why I forgave him. 

I miss my friend.

I want rid of the head fuckage. 

Who do you think you are? ….

So everything kicked off right?

My daughter was judged because she’s not ‘saved’ and has ‘mared’ her body with tattoos and colours her hair. She’s also judged on who her family are, who she’s related to and who her father is. So for her Christian friend, his daddy thinks she’s not a good person or should I say, she’s not good enough for his son. Either as a friend or somebody to date. 

This has really, really angered me. (& I get really fucking sweary when I’m pissed off!)

And this is what happened to me with HIM and my head has been well and truly fucked this past week. Some of which had raised more questions than giving me answers but that’s another post another day. 

I am a single parent. My kids come before everything else. They know right from wrong, good from evil. They have been taught not to judge anybody on their race, religion, etc and they’ve been taught to respect, show compassion and kindness. My kids make me fucking proud! They don’t do drugs, they don’t hang out in the wrong company, they don’t steal, they don’t vandalise, they have never brought the police to my door. Yet someone who doesn’t know them judges my family because they don’t go to church or believe in god!?!

I’m judged for what I say, even when I’m trying to be a friend and help. Well, let me tell you, if you want to be a judgemental cockwomble, you go right ahead. That’s your perogitive but I won’t let you make me or my children feel inferior, belittled or fill us with self doubt that what we say or do isn’t worthy, isn’t helpful, isn’t enough.

So take yer opinions and shove them so far up yer arse that you could use them as a toothbrush and clean yer teeth. 

Religion in this country is the bane of our lives and no way will I let it affect my kids when it doesn’t need to.  Who do you think you are? 

Well incase nobody tells you, I will, you’re a judgemental ignorant selfish being and you’ll mean nothing to us. I won’t give you the power of screw with my head or my kids. They are good humans, with awesome morals and ethics and beliefs. Your narrow mindness will not change that! 

Judgement makes you wary

The drama continued yesterday when I was on social media and got a message, as if nothing ever happened.

Er, sorry, no!

You flip on me a 180 and then decide to flip back with no explanation and expect me to just carry on as if nowt happened? Don’t think so. 

Even tho I was mad, I didn’t loose it completely. Well, sitting in a coffee shop with black tears cuz the bastard made ye cry (again) wasn’t not loosing it completely but I didn’t go psycho!! I was just so hurt.

Eventually I got the reason for the personality change, which to be honest, kinda hurt me more, it was all judgement. I got an apology and I’ll chat again, but I’m very wary of what I say now. Don’t want anything to be used against me or taken out of context. That’s sad tho, right?

One thing is for sure, that was a major, MAJOR screw up on his part and that’s his only chance. Next time I won’t be so forgiving