Lesson never learnt

Why do we always set ourselves up for a situation that we know isn't gonna end well and cause us absolutely fucking sheer heart break?

I had a clarity moment the other day, and tonight it really struck home that I've totally screwed myself over regarding heart ache and HIM.

I'm not what He wants, I know that. I'm the friend. I get it, I do. I'm the one that he can complain to now. There's no jokes, no laughing with a bit of banter & certainly no more flirting.

We lost whatever that was before our major falling out and either we don't trust each other or we don't want to go through that again, but there's a distance there. It's not in my mind tho, cuz I can see how he's acting with other women online & I'm definitely in my place.

Tonight it hurt. If I could have ripped my heart out so I didn't have to feel anything I would have. Why do we do it? Why do we feel the need to attach ourselves to somebody and even at that, why do we get attached to those we know we don't have a chance in hell with?
It's fucking torture!!
And while I'm suffering, he's doing whatever. He's ok, he's not feeling the same thing, he's busy flirting with everybody else.

I swore after D that I wouldn't go through this again. Maybe I need to step away from my social media right enough. Just take a break from everybody online cuz let's face it, it ain't like they're gonna miss me. It's a lesson I don't seem to learn from,

I wanna just jump in the car and drive. Music in my ears loudly to drown out my thoughts. I can't cope anymore with the head fuckage.

Independent vs company


I have always been fiercely independent. I have fought to stand on my own two feet and even when it came to my relationships & parenting, I'd rather do it on my own and succeed than be in a bad relationship and feel like the sacrifices I had to make weren't to benefit the kids.

So now, I'm thinking, I'm facing nearly 10 years on my own. I didn't screw up the kids upbringing, I made my sacrifices and I stand by my choices and decisions, I worked my ass off, I help others, I encourage, support and defend everybody I'm loyal to. But I'm finding it hard when, at the end of the day, I'm going to bed alone.

I miss the cuddles, the pillow talk, the sharing of our day and your dreams and goals in life and I miss falling asleep with my head on a guys chest and hearing his heartbeat before he rolls us over and I'm the little spoon.

Watching first dates I'm thinking to myself fuck that's gonna be me someday, in my 60's, no sex for 30 years and I'm ready to put myself out there to have fun and 'companionship' cuz my kids have grew up and moved on. I don't want to have missed out most of my life because I'm a single parent but it's hard.

I'm all for being fierce and feisty, independent and solid but geez, I'm only human too!

When do you walk away? 

We all need a little a clarity every now and then, to accept in our gut feelings and know to accept the things that have changed and stop longing for what was once there to return. This morning I had my clarity moment. What once would have been a conversation to me personally was now thrown open to others online. I’m not the person he comes to anymore. 

I miss HIM something shocking, but I’ve learnt that he’s let go. I get it. I knew when this started it was just two people who were alone, I guess using each other for a connection, to talk, to fill in that loss of connection, but it stings all the same.

What I’m sad about the most tho is, the dynamics of the friendship have totally changed, he’s holding back, I’m holding back because he is and so here’s this gap dividing us. It doesn’t look like he wants to fill it so I have to accept the fact that he’s done. There are no more messages, there are no more phone calls. Social media contact is limited. The silence a person gives you can speak louder than the words they may use. 

It’s only a matter of time before he leaves completely. I must adjust waiting for that, the pain that will hit me, the grief. But I should be used to it. I fail at it all, because no matter what I do, everybody leaves. 

Makes you question whether to keep trying or not

Fucking self pity, gah!!!

I have grew up most of my life as a tomboy. My childhood consisted of playing with the others boys in our estate, my Saturday mornings were filled with transformers cartoons and in the evening it was Airwolf, the A team, knight rider, etc etc. 

I went to the motorbike racing, I played in the muck, I didn’t like wearing the dresses my mum made me wear.

I didn’t spend hours on make up and hair, or wear mini skirts and half cut tops until one of my high school friends decided she was gonna give me a make over.

I went through that awkward stage of trying to find my identity. Yup, I did the whole grunge/indie/mental crap, I done the hip high top trainers and ripped jeans and I even got to the point where a night out saw me in heels, (ok, they had to be knee length boots but they still weren’t flat!!) and I was known to wear the odd skirt or two. 

Today, I’m still a jeans and trainers kinda girl but I did grow my nails, I do wear nail polish & mascara and I’ve a couple of pairs of heels (boots and shoes!!!) that are there if the need arises.

Most of my friends are still male, I still go to the racing and I still love the transformers movies which I watch with (or without) my kids.

But recently I’ve been watching #the programme ‘first dates’…. yes I’m a sucker for romance. I wanna believe that even though I’ve had the shittiest men in my life, there are still good old school gentlemen out there.

Last night I was watching and I found myself in tears. I realised here we’re all these older people looking for a second chance at finding their greatest love and their stories gave me leaky eyes.

I’m nearing 40!!! I will never have the experiences of growing old with someone, the arms to walk into after a long/hard day, the sitting curled up together on the sofa, the ventures over a weekend together, support in the hard times, the excitement of sharing the good. I won’t have any of that, I won’t get the sitting on a park bench snuggled together, the walking down the street holding hands, the touch of his hand on my lower back guiding me through an open door, or even the slapping of my arse as I walk in front of him. 

I’m missing out on so much and it’s screwing with my head. But it’s fair to say, I’m the girl that nobody wants to be with. Guys don’t fall in love with me, people leave.  I miss the butterflies. I miss the shivers down my spine, I miss the magic. 

I fell into the trap of mistaking kindness for flirting. I’m not used to either and I guess I crave for both. It’s not that I blame D, but since he opened Pandora’s box I can’t lock those feelings, wants and needs back into it again. It was all buried deep in the back of my mind after my break up. I never thought about it. But the instant we clicked, it all spilled out. Three very long and torturing years it took me to realise it was nothing, I meant nothing to him. 

Now it’s happening with HIM all over again. I cling to the hope of hearing him on the phone and when he doesn’t call I feel like shit. I hit such a fucking downer. Why??? Why the hell do I do this to myself? I’m tired of it. The pain. 

I tried to distance myself this week. HEs been on holiday and I didn’t want to annoy him or be constantly in his ear, like hello love, grab yer dignity before it jumps off the fucking bridge! 

It’s ok to miss someone right? If they made you feel good, happy, if you found yourself driving down the road and a huge big smile cracks out over your face because you remember something they said, that’s good right?  When you hear their voice, it’s not forced, they can be themselves and you feel comfortable to be yourself and open up. That’s good right? 

But what if, who I am, what I say, how I say and do things, what I think, my opinions, my thoughts, everything about me that makes me who I am is so terrible people leave after a while, how do I fix myself? 

It’s feeble right? My whole mind set should be ‘fuck you! I am who I am and if you don’t fucking like it, there’s the fucking door!’ And I can be like that, but there are times where I am like ‘what’s wrong with me? Am I that awful as a person? Why is nobody ever attracted to me? Why do they leave? Do I give them an opening to hurt me? And then I get angry at myself for the self fucking pity, the latching on to a guy I know I will have absolutely no fucking future with so why he fuck do I care that he’s not talking to me twenty four seven, all day, every fucking day! 

I’m driving myself insane! 

I am so fucking with my own head lately that I just don’t know how to stop.

I question everything, what I do, what I say, how I say it, my tone, my body language, my approach to things….. every fucking tab is open in my head and I’m crushing my soul.

They say if you love somebody let them go, if they love you, they’ll come back. My problem is nobody loves me in the first place 

Feels like I’m playing Russian roulette 

Mundane duties today of housework and trying to get my newly decorated bathroom finished off so I can put all the contents back to its place. 

This weekend I should have been making room for my friends to come and stay over for a night of food, drink and laughter but unfortunately I’ve had to reschedule. That seems to be life st the moment, rescheduling or cancelling on plans. 

The one I can’t cancel or postpone is my annual biopsy test.

The postman brought my letter and I dreaded it as soon as I saw the postmark!  It I have two kids who need me so I really can’t put my head in the sand on this one. 

It’s my 5th biopsy. It feels like I’m playing Russian roulette and I’m waiting for the luck to run out before I’m told my biopsy ain’t clear. It sucks the soul out of me & I can’t fall apart every time because I’m too much of a stubborn bitch to let it rule my head but it will, I’ll be told if I don’t get the letter all will be clear and each time I get a letter. My hand shake when holding it, my breathing does this weird thing of it feels like I’m holding my breath but my chest is heaving with how fast it’s going. And so far, touch wood, the letter tells me everything is fine. 

I want it all gone. All ripped out. I hate being female. I’ve had my babies. I’m more than likely on my own for good now so I can’t ever see me getting pregnant again. 

It’s hard to stay positive when you’re a natural worrier. I’m like my daddy in the sense of if I prepare for the bad I’m somewhat ready for the news but I’ll freak out and breakdown and I can’t do that for the kids.

So the 14th August is my biopsy date. 

I’m. Bricking. It. 

It does get better 

1994.

It’s a Monday morning & I’m sitting in the classroom beside my best friend, we’re laughing and messing about with the boys at our table. They were laughing genuinely, mine was totally fake. But as all things go, they never picked up on it, or chose to ignore it. 

The day before, my older boyfriend dumped me. I was just back from holiday and my so called friends at the time couldn’t wait to tell me as soon as I came home that he was cheating on me and fucking another girl. He came to see me that Sunday night to officially end it. He broke my heart. That night I opened a new box of pain meds and took two for my headache, not really paying attention, threw the box down and it landed on my school bag. 

Monday morning I was running late for the bus. I pushed the meds into my bag along with my cigarettes and lighter. 

I couldn’t face the laughter. My best friend and I walked out of the classroom when the bell rang and I told her I’d meet her at the next class. I went to the girls toilets, to the last cubicle and flunked down on the toilet seat and lit up. My head was thumping and I remembered I’d my pain meds. 32 in a full box as I sat on the closed toilet seat smoking my foggy, I swallowed every last tablet in the box.

I skipped the class and went to my business studies class 20 minutes later. As I sat in my seat, I broke out into a cold sweat. My stomach felt like it was burning and being ripped apart with sharp stabbing pains. I tried to hold in the tears, the fear, the sadness, the rejection. I wasn’t enough. I felt like everyone was better off without me. Sure, I was a good person, but that wasn’t enough for people. 

Eventually the girl sitting beside me told the teacher I wasn’t looking so good. It was 5 minutes before the end of class. And when I went to stand up my vision left me, I couldn’t stand straight with the pain & I crumpled to the floor. 

My teacher, god love her, rushed over to me, I couldn’t talk, my chest hurt when I breathed. She grabbed my bag thinking I needed an inhaler and found the empty box of pain meds. 

I remember her getting me to the office, my PE teacher putting me into the car and taking me home. I remember the questions of why? Was I being hurt at home? I sat in the car, doubled over in two in pain ashamed, embarrassed, I had done this over a boy but then also laughing quietly because I simply didn’t care. 

Two friends from another school were at a house opposite mine, they were bunking off, I remember them shouting about me getting into trouble & laughing. I thought ‘you have no idea!’

My dad done a 25 minute journey from his work in 10.

He stormed through the door, grabbed me and shoved me into the car. My mum trying to keep him calm as they took me to A&E.

I remember sitting in the corridor, I was giggling from the high, the disdain and disappointment, mixed with pure rage, dripping from dads face, wedged between him and mum. The nurse came out of the blue door and took me in to the doctor. 

My parents weren’t allowed in.

I got asked if I always had suicidal thoughts?

I got asked if my parents abused me?

I got asked if any one else abused me?

I was asked if I’d been raped?

No was the reply to all his questions.

‘It’s all because of a boy. A stupid guy!’ 

I screeched in pain when they took my blood. The size of the needle was enormous. I remember hearing my dad thump on the door.

They tried to pump my stomach with the tube but couldn’t get the pipe down, so i was given the  tub of black liquid gloop and told to swallow.

Then my parents were let in to the room. It was their job to pass me the cardboard liver shaped trays to boke into. Fun for them eh? 

By this time, I was more aware of what I’d done. I cried and cried and cried in between hurling my guts up. I wasn’t able to keep even the water they let me sip on down. I told my mum everything. My dad got up and left the room.

The doctor came back what seemed like days later, tho it was probably only a couple of hours and checked up on me. He asked me if I was going to do it again? No way! He saw my parents were decent and loving even though angry as hell with me. He told me I was lucky I had got to him before my organs would have been damaged.

15 minutes longer and I’d have had a bigger battle on my hands. 
My parents took me home. My dad never spoke to me. He didn’t look at me. Mum let me curl into her and cry. 

A week later I was back at school. I had to deal with losing my friends. The whispers. The looks and smirks. 

Only one of my Guy friends came over to me when we went to the art room for form class and he gave me a big hug, kissed my forehead and told me I was a stupid bitch & never to do that again. Thanks Gavin btw for that. 

After he done that, nobody bothered. I was socially outcasted at the age of 14. 

Skip forward to the next year, I met a new fella, introduced him to my parents. He was my first date since the incident and my dad threatened him. Told him I was recovering from suicide attempt and not to fuck me over. Mark was a total champ. He knew about the overdose, I’d told him and warned him about my dad. He took it all on the chin. 

Then in 96, I left school and went to collage. My new best friend actually lived just down the other side of our estate, she set me up on a blind date as Mark and I didn’t last. As it turned out, his head was more screwed up than mine and he turned to drugs. Not my scene and Infoundcout my dad was still looking for the previous ex!

But the blind date ended up with me engaged, pregnant, married and officially holding my baby girl in my arms at the age of 19.

Sure, 2 years later I was separated waiting for my divorce hearings but it was ok. I had my baby girl.

If I had succeeded in killing myself, 24 years later I wouldn’t be a mum to two of the most amazing, funny, witty, awesome kids. My daughter is now 19, my son is 13 and even though I’m a single parent, I am a parent. I lived. I dealt with life. I asked for help when I struggled, I battled through, I fought. 

I still have my days where I slip into a dark and twisty phase, it’s not depression, it’s me over thinking and over analysing everything when I can’t get answers or people hurt me or whatever but oh my god, I have the greatest gift and blessing I could have ever asked for. I am a mum. I have a lovely home, I have a great family who love us and support us. I have a tight close circle of friends who I trust completely and I’m dead loyal to. 

But at 14 years old, I had no idea. 

Tonight we hear the news of Chester hanging himself. He was in a place so dark his demons won their battle. He was only able to find peace in death. His family and friends will be heartbroken. They will have their guilt, questions never to be answered and they will have to mourn their loss.  But please, if you have thoughts in your head that aren’t good, if you are struggling to cope, if you feel you can’t find happiness and peace. Ask. Speak. Keep fighting. 

I was lucky. I made a stupid mistake over the stupid reason, but at 14 years of age it was the end of the world for me. I remember clearly the physical pain from my heart breaking, that void sucking my soul away. You feel the dispair, the loneliness, rejection, unworthy. Bad emotions, unhealthy emotions are so strong. It’s hard to pull yourself away from but it can be done. Please talk to someone today. 

And if you know somebody whose suffering with their mental health for god sake never give up on them. Show Up. Love them hard. Love them unconditionally. Give them a shoulder to cry on. Let them feel safe and be trustworthy. Listen to each and every word they say without judgement. Sit with them in their darkness, the only light they may need at that particular moment is to feel you holding their hand. They will know they aren’t alone. 

What I learnt this year though, as sad as it is, is all of it doesn’t matter, no matter what you say or do, if the person’s demons are that controlling they succeed in their death. What matters then is to know the person’s soul isn’t in pain any longer. They aren’t living a life of mental torture. They have found the end of their suffering. Be thankful. Be thankful for the memories you have with them, be thankful for all they ever done for you, be thankful that in a sense you get to say goodbye at the funeral & share your love and grief with everybody else while you can see how much they meant to everybody in that room. Be thankful that you had the person in your life. To love and connect with. Some people don’t even get that. 

But don’t be the 14 year old. Lost. Angry. Naive. Stupid. Don’t bottle up your emotions. 

Talk & seek the support you need.

It will get better xo

Life skills are vital 

He done it!! 

My boy went on his ‘friend’ date and had such a great time.

He coped with using his money, he was such a gent and bought him and his friend their cinema tickets and munchies. Such a wee gent!! 

He coped with ordering his lunch, paying for it, waiting and then tidying up after himself. He coped in the mall, the different shops and walking back to the cinema to meet me. 

I am so proud of him. Teaching your child life skills is vital. Schools should teach the kids life skills. Parents need to teach their kids life skills. 

My stress levels today and yesterday have me completely drained. I’m exhausted and sleepy and I’ve a migraine brewing but I’m beaming proud. BEAMING PROUD!! 
Now sleep! 

I can’t cope….. 

They say as a mother we have to learn to cut the apron strings to our children and let them grow up. Most parents, when their children get to high school age have to deal with that moment their kids want to go to the big town/city with their mates & the majority of parents will let them go under the set conditions of staying safe, use of mobile phones and communication.

For a parent of an autistic child, this isn’t easy. My child is going to see his friend in the morning. A simple day out, cinema, lunch and in the mall. (Yes, mall! My child speaks with an American accent). They are so excited. I, on the other hand, have stress levels reaching a soldier about to walk out on patrol in Afghanistan!!

My anxiety, fear and worry about what could go wrong is giving me such a headache I can barely keep my eyes open. It’s not that I don’t trust him, I don’t trust others. 

I know his friends knows he’s got autism and will keep an eye out for him but that’s an awful lot of pressure on her too.  I don’t want her to take on this stress.

On the other hand, my boy is going out! He’s socialising!!!!! He’s being accepted for who he is, he is not judged for his quirky ways, how he talks, the actions he does when over excited,  he’s accepted, well and truly for who he is. This makes me seriously happy. 

I won’t be far away from them, now I’m not spending all my time with them to cramp their style and be THAT annoying, over protective and over paranoid mom,  but I’ll be floating around, just incase he needs me. 

I won’t sleep a wink tonight because of this. 

Support local & don’t be a twat

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I didn’t think I’d bother posting about this but it’s kinda been on my mind and grating my nerves so I’m gonna get it off my chest.

A while back I was asked how much I charged for my wedding photography coverage. I gave all the details, what was covered, how long I would be at the event, how long it would take for the couple to get their images, what they would receive etc. and I was told I charged too much.

Well folks, actually no, NO I DO NOT! I am perfectly priced for the clients I attract. I am not expensive for the time I spend on photographing a wedding and on my editing. I am not expensive for the albums you receive.

ANYWAY….. skip a few months later and I’ve now been contacted to edit the above mentioned couple’s wedding photographs. Er…. hello… pardon, what?

First of all. if you have wedding images that need to be edited, do the right thing and GO BACK TO THE PHOTOGRAPHER WHO TOOK YOUR IMAGES!!!! That, folks, is a) Common Sense and b) protocol.

Do not go and ask a “friend” who is a “photographer” to edit images that you didn’t pay them to take in the first place and then Do NOT, EVER, EVER, EVER, expect them to edit images for FREE!!!!

Just who the fuck do you think you are?

I would never dream of asking a friend whose a plumber to come out to my house, fix my issue and then give him a punch on the arm and tell him swell job, bye. I would never ask a friend whose a jeweller to make me a piece of jewellery and when I get it say, thanks so much and not pay them. Would you ask the dentist to fix your tooth, take away the pain and then just walk out the door? Would you go buy flowers from a stall holder but oooops, no money, sure we’ll take the flowers anyway, or go to a restaurant and have a perfectly cooked meal and say compliments to the chef and leave? NO! so why the hell do people always ask a photographer, whose learnt their skills, honed their craft and take time out away from their families and life and NOT get paid for doing so. Does your “top job” or “that’s so awesome” or even if we’re lucky.. your “thanks so much” pay? Does your comments put food on our tables, pay for our kids clothes, pay for rent or bills? NO!

So please, you cannot take ANY offence, when you ASK for a photographer’s SKILLS and SERVICE for editing image and they tell you, “Certainly, I can help you with your requirement, Here is my price…” and YOU ARE RUDE AS FUCKING HELL when you IGNORE us afterwards. So let me help you out…..

The convo went like this,

*The person*

“Hi (me)

I was just wondering if you could help me out, I’ve got x amount of images that I would like edited.”

*My Reply*

“Hi (them)

I could edit them, but here is my editing fee start off price. It all depends on what you want done”

*The person*

“well, i only want these x amount of images edited, [insert sad smiley face]

*my reply*

Really you should go back to your wedding photographer and ask them to do it, they’ll charge you more than me but this is my price and you need to pay it upfront before you send me the images to work on”

 

****RADIO SILENCE*****

 

How the conversation should have went…

all of the above but their reply before the radio silence should have been…

 

“Thanks for your reply, I shall go back to the photographer who took my images and ask them to fix what I want. thanks again for your time”

 

So don’t be a shitty client to your photographer folks,

They don’t deserve it, and if they’re a shitty photographer, then pay for the professionals in the first place!

 

And to all those lovely, awesome folks, who support me by paying for my photography services, you fucking rock!!!

 

 

 

Today…..

HE was on the phone with me today. I always love hearing his voice. He can talk to me about anything and I just listen to his timber.  It’s funny, how he makes me feel and i smile, this is me just setting myself up again for a major blow right?

I can’t tell him to let me know when he’s home after he’s out on his bike. Firstly, I don’t want to come across as all wannabe girlfriend rights etc but mostly it’s because I do genuinely care. Secondly I don’t wanna scud the fella! I guess after all this time, I don’t want to have another Leslie situation where he phones me before going out on his bike and then gets killed to have someone from his family phone me, give me a five second conversation and rip out my heart.  If anything happened to HIM I’d be truly heartbroken. so I can’t tell him outright, can’t say the specific words but today I kinda said it in a round a bout way and when he came home, he let me know.

I didn’t realise I’d been as tense until the words pinged on my phone and I slowly exhaled.

Things aren’t back to the way they were but we’re getting there. Maybe our conversations will increased when he’s back to work next week. I want to talk to him all the time, I miss hearing his voice, his laugh but I don’t like to annoy him, I don’t wanna come across a needy. lol “I’m not needy, I’m wanty”, isn’t that how the pinterest quote goes.

It’s not just him though, I’m finding that I’m not connecting with people online as much as I used to. Have you been part of the online community for long? I’ve been on now for nearly 20 years. From the old dial-up tones, msn messengers, freeserve cafe chat rooms to yahoo and now social media has totally blew up into fb, instagram, twitter etc. see what I mean about it all changing, you have to change too. you have to evolve with the people you talk to, the technology you use etc. so when our friendships change and evolve, it’s totally ok to let those that don’t stand us any further way to evolve fall away right?

I’m worried that my friendship with HIM will be like that. That he’ll talk to me till he gets his life in the place he wants to be, with a lovely girl and settled down and I’ll be like the old freeserve chat rooms.. outdated. stuck in the past. not needed anymore.

so being totally selfish, how do I continue on with the friendship knowing it’s going to run a course & I’ll be, once again, the person left behind?

Is it really, really bad that I know when I make a new friendship now, that they don’t hang around and i’ll be left, it’s routine. people come into my life, they need something i apparently can give and then when they have their needs met, i’m tossed to the side. how do i stop this pattern? esp when I don’t know why people leave. It’s not like I can ask them either.

maybe i push them away, not realising that’s why i do. am I pushing him away? i know a much as I’d love to be in contact with him daily & for hours, it’s not gonna be like that. already the good morning and good night messages are gone.  I know he tells me at time that he doesn’t call, but that i haven’t called him either. so it’s a two-way street right? I should be making the moves first too but i don’t like to bother him, i know he’s tired after his day, or night, shift at work, I know he’s busy on his day’s off so i don’t wanna annoy him. Maybe though, he feels the friendship is more one-sided then because he has to make contact first. maybe he needs to feel the butterflies when he sees my name come up on his screen when i call like it does with me…. lol more than likely though, he’s thinking fuck, she’s on to chat again. can’t get rid of her.

I guess I just miss the connection with an adult.

does that make me a twat? sounds totally desperate right?