I have grew up most of my life as a tomboy. My childhood consisted of playing with the others boys in our estate, my Saturday mornings were filled with transformers cartoons and in the evening it was Airwolf, the A team, knight rider, etc etc.
I went to the motorbike racing, I played in the muck, I didn’t like wearing the dresses my mum made me wear.
I didn’t spend hours on make up and hair, or wear mini skirts and half cut tops until one of my high school friends decided she was gonna give me a make over.
I went through that awkward stage of trying to find my identity. Yup, I did the whole grunge/indie/mental crap, I done the hip high top trainers and ripped jeans and I even got to the point where a night out saw me in heels, (ok, they had to be knee length boots but they still weren’t flat!!) and I was known to wear the odd skirt or two.
Today, I’m still a jeans and trainers kinda girl but I did grow my nails, I do wear nail polish & mascara and I’ve a couple of pairs of heels (boots and shoes!!!) that are there if the need arises.
Most of my friends are still male, I still go to the racing and I still love the transformers movies which I watch with (or without) my kids.
But recently I’ve been watching #the programme ‘first dates’…. yes I’m a sucker for romance. I wanna believe that even though I’ve had the shittiest men in my life, there are still good old school gentlemen out there.
Last night I was watching and I found myself in tears. I realised here we’re all these older people looking for a second chance at finding their greatest love and their stories gave me leaky eyes.
I’m nearing 40!!! I will never have the experiences of growing old with someone, the arms to walk into after a long/hard day, the sitting curled up together on the sofa, the ventures over a weekend together, support in the hard times, the excitement of sharing the good. I won’t have any of that, I won’t get the sitting on a park bench snuggled together, the walking down the street holding hands, the touch of his hand on my lower back guiding me through an open door, or even the slapping of my arse as I walk in front of him.
I’m missing out on so much and it’s screwing with my head. But it’s fair to say, I’m the girl that nobody wants to be with. Guys don’t fall in love with me, people leave. I miss the butterflies. I miss the shivers down my spine, I miss the magic.
I fell into the trap of mistaking kindness for flirting. I’m not used to either and I guess I crave for both. It’s not that I blame D, but since he opened Pandora’s box I can’t lock those feelings, wants and needs back into it again. It was all buried deep in the back of my mind after my break up. I never thought about it. But the instant we clicked, it all spilled out. Three very long and torturing years it took me to realise it was nothing, I meant nothing to him.
Now it’s happening with HIM all over again. I cling to the hope of hearing him on the phone and when he doesn’t call I feel like shit. I hit such a fucking downer. Why??? Why the hell do I do this to myself? I’m tired of it. The pain.
I tried to distance myself this week. HEs been on holiday and I didn’t want to annoy him or be constantly in his ear, like hello love, grab yer dignity before it jumps off the fucking bridge!
It’s ok to miss someone right? If they made you feel good, happy, if you found yourself driving down the road and a huge big smile cracks out over your face because you remember something they said, that’s good right? When you hear their voice, it’s not forced, they can be themselves and you feel comfortable to be yourself and open up. That’s good right?
But what if, who I am, what I say, how I say and do things, what I think, my opinions, my thoughts, everything about me that makes me who I am is so terrible people leave after a while, how do I fix myself?
It’s feeble right? My whole mind set should be ‘fuck you! I am who I am and if you don’t fucking like it, there’s the fucking door!’ And I can be like that, but there are times where I am like ‘what’s wrong with me? Am I that awful as a person? Why is nobody ever attracted to me? Why do they leave? Do I give them an opening to hurt me? And then I get angry at myself for the self fucking pity, the latching on to a guy I know I will have absolutely no fucking future with so why he fuck do I care that he’s not talking to me twenty four seven, all day, every fucking day!
I’m driving myself insane!
I am so fucking with my own head lately that I just don’t know how to stop.
I question everything, what I do, what I say, how I say it, my tone, my body language, my approach to things….. every fucking tab is open in my head and I’m crushing my soul.
They say if you love somebody let them go, if they love you, they’ll come back. My problem is nobody loves me in the first place