Attraction & being ready

I know where I stand with HIM, I really do, I’m the girl he can speak to on the phone and have a laugh, or tell me what’s on his mind and think things through with. We’re friends, that’s it, and honestly? I’m very happy that we are.

But (there’s always a but right??) I do like him. I love the sound of his laugh. it’s rich and hearty and makes me smile even more. I love his sleepy voice, it’s raspy and gives me goosebumps. I like the shape of his mouth & when he has a little gruff around his jawline, I like his eyes which I can only imagine get so much darker when he’s turned on. I love the dip in his collarbones and I love his tattoo (obviously) His fun line and the fact that his hands are sooo much bigger than mine. He gives you the impression he would wrap you up in his arms he’d protect you from the world but with both our dirty minds there would definitely be nothing vanilla.

When he tells  me he’s talking to other women my tummy drops. I’ll be honest, I get jealous, I have absolutely no need to, he doesn’t feel anything for me, he wants to meet someone and settle down and I’m sooooo not what he’s wanting, I guess as much as I’d like to meet someone too and we hit it off, he’s only ever gonna be a friend.

My walls have been up for so long now, I’ve locked my life behind them and used them as an excuse to never want to meet somebody. Guys have chatted and we have had a laugh but I never got the connection. no click. was that because I didn’t want to put myself out there? I’m 39 soon and I don’t want to live my life on my own.

Maybe HE has taught me that I’m ready to possibly put myself out there. I just need to take this time and get myself healthy, get the business finally up and running and then, we’ll see what happens.

I hope for both our sakes, we find the happiness we want but can still be friends.

HE’s one that I definitely don’t want to lose.

 

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laughter is good for the soul

 

Last year went out on good terms. When I look back at the laughter I had I want to have more of that this year.  I’m also focusing more on the work side of things. With my birthday this month i’m using it as a goal. 52 weeks to build my clients and business. and my final goal is to finally focus on loving me. I cannot give others the ability to crush my spirits. I’m too stubborn for that shite.

So let’s see what happens, what connections are made and how many good times are clocked over the next lot of months.

what are you hoping for in 2018. Comment and let me know x

 

2018

So we can kiss goodbye to 2017.

What did your year teach you or inspire you to take into 2018?

I wish you all a very Happy New Year. I hope you got to spend it with your loved ones, friends or those closest to you. If you spent it on your own, I send you a virtual hug for the new year celebrations and I wish that your months ahead are filled with deep belly laughs, great tasting food, washed down with thirst quenching drinks, that you have clean clothes to wear, a warm bed to sleep in, a safe home to have shelter within. I wish you many great conversations with people, I hope you dance like nobody’s watching, sing louder, smile at everybody and cheer up their day and let’s have an amazing year! Mm’Kay xx

A reflection

A reflection of the year and a soul searching journey of myself.

2017 was a tough year of self acceptance, pulling my head out of my arse and not hugging on to denial. It was a year of many, many questions about me, life, people, and the answers i’ve learnt where not what I was expecting.

This year I’ve changed. I changed my appearance and I added to my tattoo collection. I found my inner teen who was determined in life to be a strong independent woman and deal with what life threw my way. I’d locked my emotions away in a Pandora’s box in the deepest darkest part of my mind and this year the lid was blew off it completely. Nothing stayed inside and it really screwed with my head, emotions and life.

I discovered that during my hardest times I was strong enough to get through them, even when I thought I was on my own. But I also learnt that I didn’t need to be alone, I just had to swallow my pride and ask for help. I learnt that it is totally acceptable to not be ok. We are all just human after all.  As I tell others, Don’t aim to be perfect. it’s boring. be real. be flawed and be awesome while knowing perfection is fake.

I dealt with death, loneliness, unreciprocated emotions. I felt that I didn’t have a life.

I felt invisible.

yet looking back over the year I saw how many times people checked in with me, how many times I was asked if I was ok. How many times people got in touch because I am their friend. I also learnt that I can now count on one hand, how many people are genuine with me, and that was interesting, because it was interesting to learn it was with people who I wouldn’t have expected it from and those that I would have expected didn’t bother with me.  The circle has changed, evolved. Just like life.

I also learnt who I am, what I believe in, what i stand for, what I agree with, what I’ve no interest in, who I want to become still, the type of person I would want to spend my life with, what I dreamt of before has changed, because I have changed too.

I have learnt that although I can offer the world a shoulder to cry on, I don’t necessarily need to. I cannot save the world, I cannot take on everybody’s problems because then I can’t deal with my own and I need to deal with my own shit. I cannot be the anchor and let myself drown.

 

I learnt this year after, give or take, nearly 1000 phone calls and nearly as many messages with HIM, HE was a godsend I didn’t realise I needed. HE taught me that I can have feelings again for a bloke and want to edge closer to removing the walls I’ve built up around me emotionally over the years. He made me genuinely laugh, in fact, there were times HE made me laugh so hard I couldn’t breathe, my cheeks were sore and my sides ached. That kinda pure happiness, it’s priceless. HE’s became such an important part of my daily life. If we never amount to anything else but friends, I honestly think i can live with that. He’s one of those people who don’t see the diamond they really are and that’s priceless. HE can be himself with me and I remembered who I am with him. What more could a girl ask for!

2018 will see more of the soul searching. as we grow and evolve I am now curious to see what happens over the next 12 months. With a more committed and determination approach to keeping a record, not just when I want to get things off my chest. It will be interesting to see what happens in my last year of my 30’s before a new adventure of my 40’s begins….

you ready for me?

LB x

My heart aches

Why do good people get shat on and yet those with a bad heart get away with whatever it wants. It sucks so badly!

At the beginning of this year my long time friend had his birthday. He turned 50. You’d think he’d have been celebrating with his family and friends? but no, we found out a week later that he had suffered a horrendous stroke. The good news is, he survived it!

After his partner informed us what had happened, she also told us that he’d taken a second stroke in the middle of his surgery to help from the first. But he is still with us.

For weeks his partner was keeping us updated on his progress, the setbacks and finally months later I get my messages from him. This makes me sooooo freakin’ happy! But recently he’s told me he’s now suffering with brain seizures.

How scary must that be, on top of all the set backs he’s had, he made progress throughout the year and now he’s back to square one. With my message from him the other night to tell me what’s going on, I went to bed in floods of tears. I’ve lost too many friends over the years, my heart aches when I see a message from him cuz I don’t know what to expect I guess, is it good news, or bad, or will there come a day when heaven’s forbid I get a message from his partner with the worst news ever. I can’t deal with that. I wouldn’t be close enough to say my goodbyes. When Les died I couldn’t say goodbye personally and it crushed me.

I guess all we can do is tell the people who are important to us exactly that, they are important, we love them dearly and they are awesome so they have to keep fighting, don’t let life break their spirit, breakin’ their body is bad enough, but it can heal.

If you love someone and haven’t told them, do it, what the hell are you waiting for? Life’s too fucking short to worry about what people may think, grab them and let them know, it may be the one thing that helps them battle on.

Trusting your gut

trust your instinct

When it comes to other people I can spot the pitfalls immediately. When a friend’s new guy just is sending out the wrong vibes and you know he’s a creeper or worse, or when your daughter’s boyfriend starts to become a little bit too possessive and his inner wanker self reveals himself. I’m person that can see EVERYBODY else’s problems and find them a solution. But! When it comes to myself? I’m such a fuckin’ doofus! Like I’m totally clueless.

I’m an Aquarius right, so I’m very much a lover of my space, I keep my circle of people extremely small but to them I’m very, very, very extremely loyal and i’m very open minded, I do not judge, I accept all and I give all respect! UNLESS you give me the vibes that you’re simply a dick! Then my defences go up. Like Fort fucking Knocks!! Good luck scaling those walls baby!

So when I let people in, I do so by trusting my gut. the vibe, the universe! whatever right. I find women are sooooo fuckin’ bitchy, I’ve only a handful of genuine female friends that I could count on one hand. The rest of my circle are guys.  I’m a tomboy. The only thing girly about me is that I’ve a vagina and boobs! I’m not into skirts, I don’t like dresses, I’ve only a couple of pairs of heels and even then most of them are boots. I don’t wear perfume & the only make up I wear is mascara so I can look like I’ve actually got eye lashes and if I’m going out somewhere the only “dolled up” look I have is eye shadow is included with a little lip gloss. I am so not high maintenance. I’m a trainers kinda girl, I love my jeans, I don’t like my clothes to have sparkles or sequins covering them. In fact I would say that my brain is more masculine than feminine. Don’t get me wrong, I can be very ladylike, polite and well mannered when I need to be, I can dress up when it is required (tho thankfully not that often) and I can wear colours other than black.  I can accept who I am.

It’s finding others who accept you that is the hard part. Not even in terms of a relationship, (that drought isn’t gonna be over any time soon!) but just as friends.  Sometimes tho, I find friendships are more important and soooo much more valuable than a relationship because they can end, but a friendship is supposed to last for years right? I know they say that people come into your life to teach you something, but fuck it, when do I get the friend who comes into my life and wants to fucking stay there? Is it because I find it hard to discuss myself, my insecurities? I can talk about overdosing at 14 years old. I can talk about being divorced and becoming a single parent at 21, I can talk about my ex partner cheating on me for 6 months and driving me into a depression. I can talk about all this. But I find it hard to talk to people about the now, what’s in the present. I know that. I’m closed off.  Maybe that’s because the walls have been too high for too long and although I’m keeping the threat out, I’m doing more harm than good because I feel that when I open up about me, in the present, people will leave. It’s easier to talk about them. Help them. Be there for them. Maybe I’m not as strong as I’d like to think I am. This drives me batty!!!

It opens up a door of self pity and I fucking detest it. I hate the feeling of being that way. Don’t get me wrong, we all need times to wallow and mourn whatever we lose, but you pick yourself back up and get stand firm on your feet and you learn from that experience and try to be stronger so it doesn’t happen again. NO? YES? I feel like I’m losing the fucking plot! Am I alone in this?

So if my situation was a friend I know what I would tell her. I know the advice I would give her, I would be making the tick off fucking sheet for her to mark when she achieved the goals set but for myself…. I CANNOT DO IT! and then I get angry at myself, then I feel sorry for myself, then I laugh at the whole situation and think I’m such a fucking twat for being this way and then the thinking goes off on a totally different tangent and then one issue becomes multiple and if you’re anything like me, you can find a way to link the most random issues together to make it one huge fucking problem that you have totally over thought, blew out of proportion and even though your brain, heart and soul can tell you you’re being a dick, you still wallow!!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ALL ABOUT???????

I find myself going back through all the issues, stripping them down to a list, making them individual again and taking one at the time I ask myself “What does my gut tell me?”…. Then I cry. I make tea, which is half drunk and I find I’ve circled back to not having a fucking clue….

I think I just need to disconnect for a while. Throw myself into something that’s not to do with friends. it’s not that i’m turning my back on them. If they need me, they’ll know I’ll be there for them, but maybe I need to show myself the same intense dedication that I give others. Maybe I need to just love who I am with the love I give others, Maybe I need to look at the phoenix tattoo and remind myself of who I am, what I do, what I believe in, what I offer and know I’m fucking awesome, I’m a great friend, I’m a great mom, I’m a great person! I can love my greatness and let it be enough for me. Believe in myself. Push myself out of my comfort zone, live. For me. Trust my gut and become better for me. Trust my gut and walk away from whatever doesn’t give me peace. Trust my gut that the lessons are learnt. Just simply Trust My Gut!

Isn’t friendship a funny aul’ thing?

Image result for what is a friend quotes

Do you remember your very first friend? Do you remember how you started to talk to the person? where you being nice or did you’s end up being friends after having a fight?

Isn’t it strange how we make friends? As kids we have no social judgement, we don’t care what the other person looks like, how they are dressed, as young kids we just wanted to have another human to play with and fill out our days. As adults, we are more selective. We judge (ohhhh c’mon, you know fine rightly you do, it’s just part of being human!) people on where they are from, how they look, how they dress, if they smell, if they smile, if they have annoying habits, if they laugh too loud, if we connect. Because no matter what, above all else, we are looking, yearning even, for that connection.

We make “friends” at work, in social surroundings. If you’re one of the lucky one’s, your friendships from childhood are just as strong today as they were decades ago.  There are people we just meet who we instantly click with, they gel with our personalities and lifestyles and the next thing you know, they’re your best friend & you’re part of their life.

I have asked it before though, what about the people we “meet” online. Those names, avi’s, personalities that are on our computers, laptops, phones and tablets. Those people who we share our daily lives with except we never meet them? Are they any less a friend than those we have face to face? What about those people who don’t have the social skills to meet people face to face, who find their cyber friends are it, they are the only people they have in their lives, they are the only ones that they have to communicate with? does it make a friendship any less because you cannot physically see them?

Friendships that start online on social media, develop to emails, to text messages and then phone calls? Are they any less than meeting someone for coffee, physically seeing the other person smile, how they smell, their eyes blink? as a race, we crave communication. we crave acceptance. but as a race we also judge, gossip and complain about people, so do people prefer to have online friendships so they can use their technology as a barrier?

Have people been hurt so much by their friends and loved ones that they feel they can’t meet people face to face, they don’t want to risk of rejection, hurt and emotional turmoil? And what about those who lost their friends from being in the wrong relationship, have had people give up on them and are simply put the person that everybody leaves? what psychological way does the brain work to prevent the physical and emotional pain.

When you meet somebody new as an adult, is there always a pressure for a man and female to see if there is an attraction to lead to a relationship or can we truly have a fully platonic friendship and not have ANY romantic emotions towards the other person?

No matter what or who you are becoming friends with, what do you want to get out of that friendship and how till that other person effect your life?

This is what goes through my mind at times, along with how I feel about HIM and why I get attached to easily to people and how I am the one people leave and how I get hurt and tired with all the shit,  but if i’m honest, it’s not always so doom and gloom. It really isn’t.

 

I love having somebody to talk to that’s an adult, that’s not my kids, that’s actually MY friend and not friends with me and my kids because sometimes we need to be that little bit selfish. I love people who make me laugh, who I can be really sarcastic with and know I will not offend. That person who makes me smile and feel good, and I can just be me. I can be as dirty and twisted minded as i wanna be and i’m not judged, I can be as dry witted and quick off the mark with and the banter is just sooooooo good. I love having a person to tell me about their day and talk about the silly things amongst the serious.

 

I have this with HIM. He makes me feel like I’m me again. I am not mum. I am not the daughter. I don’t have the responsibilities of being an adult. Even though we talk about the kids, our parents, lives, jobs, homes, cars, all the adult shit, but we can have a laugh too. I can say something and immediately know he’s gonna twist it and our dirty minds will take it to the next level and you know fine rightly you’ll end up blushing scarlet and laughing till you snort. you get to be yourself.

I have learnt this year that I missed me. I truly missed me. I missed my personality, my character, it was like I was in denial about having lost myself, not enjoying my life, I was simply existing daily and not living. I was going through the motions and calling it a life.

HE reminded me, through helping him, what I can offer, who I am, what I believe in, what I want to work for, who I want to work for.  A reminder of being a decent human being, that it’s ok to care. that it’s ok to say i’m not ok. and although this year, when people ask me if i’m ok and i tell them yes, even though i know i’m not, I have to learn it’s ok to tell a person when i’m not ok. because that’s what friends are for. They are there to help, to pick you up, to share a shoulder to cry on, to laugh along side you and hold your hand when you just need to be in silence but know you’re not alone.

If you have somebody like that, tell them how amazing they are, how much you appreciate them and love them. If you have a great friend, be it in person or cyber, let them know how you feel because they are gold dust. And remember, if you have a friend of the opposite sex, it’s perfectly fine to find them attractive, it’s only natural, but love what you have, don’t take them for granted for how they make you feel. how you love hearing their voice, seeing a smile, getting a hug, whatever way you communicate, love it.

Sometimes, we pick a person that we click with, because at the time of our lives that we are introduced to each other, they are there for a reason. So figure out what the reason is and embrace it. I think the reason behind HIM being in my life at the moment is to teach me a lesson. The lesson being that I know now I can feel those emotions again, I can be attracted to a guy and feel ok about it, I can laugh till I snort, I can be a sarcastic, dirty minded, sweary like a dirty sailor tomboy and feel good about who I am. my personality and character are solid and I appreciate him as friend even if that’s all we will ever be. That’s a hell of a lesson to learn.

LB x

Your “music” for sleepy ears

This past week and a bit I have been sleeping like shite. There have been numerous nightmares, I’m not getting to sleep till well past 3am and I’m grouchy as hell for it too.

My son isn’t well at the moment either so I thought it was just me being a bit more conscience of his breathing, listening in case he was sick etc, well maybe, partly. But I’m near certain it’s because I haven’t got talking to HIM for a while now and I miss his voice. Thought it sounded crazy too but last night while I was lying in my bed at 3.30am tossing and turning I decided to put the theory to the test. I listened to his voice mails and guess what.. afterwards? Out like a fucking light!

It doesn’t matter how I feel about him, he’s made his feelings perfectly clear and there will never be anything between us, which I accept, but don’t you think i’m kinda fucked if I can’t fall asleep unless I hear his voice? I know the evenings we talk and I’m already in bed and his voice is the last thing I hear, those nights, I’m asleep that quickly I don’t even remember falling asleep. It’s like one minute we’re talking, the next I’m wakening up the next morning. I sleep THAT GOOD!

When I was with my ex, every night we went to bed I curled up so I could place my head on his chest and fall asleep listening to his heart’s rhythm. I missed it a lot when I became single, to the point where I didn’t sleep for 4 months after we split.

why do we depend on something so simple as a heart beat or the tone of somebody’s voice (esp the guy’s sleepy tone!) to find our comfort?

I’m so screwed when he meets someone and our phone calls end. It’s on the cards to happen. Its like being on borrowed time knowing it’s all gonna end and boy will I be fucked then.

What do you need to listen to before falling over to sleep? leave me a comment x

Tis the season!!

My family traditions for the Christmas period are:

  • The tree goes up on the first of December.
  • We visit the local Yuletide market.
  • The table is set and decorated on Christmas Eve.
  • I wrap all the gifts on Christmas Eve after I’ve watched the Polar Express with the kids and they go off to bed.
  • My parents come to my house Christmas Day after my son comes home from seeing his dad on Christmas morning.
  • We go to my sisters house for Boxing Day dinner.
  • No phones are allowed. Photographs are taken (on proper cameras) & we play board games till we need to curl up and sleep off the food comas!

This year is different. I think my teenage son is gonna have his last year of believing, I can tell you, it’s breaking my heart, but I know as an autistic family we have been lucky to have 8 years of believing and the magic it brings. Not many are so lucky. I always remember my year of not believing and the magic of Christmas died. I honestly didn’t think I’d find that magic again until I became a mum. I love the family days out, seeing the decorations, getting into the Christmas spirit and even tho Christmas Eve is beyond doubt my hardest day of the year emotionally, I still love it.

My sister is away again this Christmas. So we are at her house Christmas Eve Eve and so for the first time in 7 years we will be back at my parents house for a meal on Boxing Day.

And this year our tree is going up one day early and only because the kids are too busy tomorrow evening & my son has finished his winter exams today so he can destress by decorating it.

On Christmas Morning I’ll send my only Christmas texts of the day till my family go home and then I’ll check in with those I know who are alone that evening.

Then I can sit during my December evenings with the twinkly Christmas tree lights till the new year and take it all down again.

31 days of excitement, joy & peace after running about like a blue arse fly.

And this year I cannot forgot the batteries!!!

Leave a comment and tell me what are your Christmas traditions and what is your favourite part of December

LB x

I missed me

Everything was upon my shoulders for a very long time and today nothing has changed in that sense. As a single parent I have to shoulder all the responsibility and deal with the outcomes of my choices. It’s fine. Joys of parenthood.

Now my eldest is at an age where we can have a friendship too. Many women say they don’t want to be a friend to their daughter, they have plenty of friends, and that they’ll only have one mum and that’s true but I still want my daughter to have a friendship with me too. I can be her mum and guide her, advice her and bring her up in the world till she becomes independent but it would break my heart if my daughter grew up not to like me as a person either. Anyway, we get on like a house on fire and we are both in a similar situation with the guys. So we talk about them both… A LOT.

It was with one of our conversations that I realised HE makes me happy. Genuinely. It’s not about the feeling like if we were in a relationship, it’s the feeling he gives me from being my friend. I am reminded of who I am. My personality. I am reminded of how much I love laughter!! The simple things of coming up with a witty comeback at the perfect moment, the banter I can have. I’m reminded of who I am. Who I was. Who. I. Lost.

We sometimes say “I wish I was 18 again” and it’s not to be young but to be who we were at that point. Carefree. Fun loving. Spontaneous. Happy. Up for a laugh. I’ll forever feel younger than my age because as a tomboy I’m just a big wean anyway but it’s a fantastic feeling to be sitting on the edge of the bed, drying my hair and having a genuine smile on my face instead of sobbing my heart out.

HE reminded me of who I am. I can be myself. I can be sarcastic, I can laugh freely, I don’t feel like I’m faking any of my personality, I’m just me.

To be able to be in peoples company and just be yourself after so long trying to please everybody else is so refreshing. So today I’m smiling for me. For the first time. In ages.

Lb x