My heart aches

Why do good people get shat on and yet those with a bad heart get away with whatever it wants. It sucks so badly!

At the beginning of this year my long time friend had his birthday. He turned 50. You’d think he’d have been celebrating with his family and friends? but no, we found out a week later that he had suffered a horrendous stroke. The good news is, he survived it!

After his partner informed us what had happened, she also told us that he’d taken a second stroke in the middle of his surgery to help from the first. But he is still with us.

For weeks his partner was keeping us updated on his progress, the setbacks and finally months later I get my messages from him. This makes me sooooo freakin’ happy! But recently he’s told me he’s now suffering with brain seizures.

How scary must that be, on top of all the set backs he’s had, he made progress throughout the year and now he’s back to square one. With my message from him the other night to tell me what’s going on, I went to bed in floods of tears. I’ve lost too many friends over the years, my heart aches when I see a message from him cuz I don’t know what to expect I guess, is it good news, or bad, or will there come a day when heaven’s forbid I get a message from his partner with the worst news ever. I can’t deal with that. I wouldn’t be close enough to say my goodbyes. When Les died I couldn’t say goodbye personally and it crushed me.

I guess all we can do is tell the people who are important to us exactly that, they are important, we love them dearly and they are awesome so they have to keep fighting, don’t let life break their spirit, breakin’ their body is bad enough, but it can heal.

If you love someone and haven’t told them, do it, what the hell are you waiting for? Life’s too fucking short to worry about what people may think, grab them and let them know, it may be the one thing that helps them battle on.

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Trusting your gut

trust your instinct

When it comes to other people I can spot the pitfalls immediately. When a friend’s new guy just is sending out the wrong vibes and you know he’s a creeper or worse, or when your daughter’s boyfriend starts to become a little bit too possessive and his inner wanker self reveals himself. I’m person that can see EVERYBODY else’s problems and find them a solution. But! When it comes to myself? I’m such a fuckin’ doofus! Like I’m totally clueless.

I’m an Aquarius right, so I’m very much a lover of my space, I keep my circle of people extremely small but to them I’m very, very, very extremely loyal and i’m very open minded, I do not judge, I accept all and I give all respect! UNLESS you give me the vibes that you’re simply a dick! Then my defences go up. Like Fort fucking Knocks!! Good luck scaling those walls baby!

So when I let people in, I do so by trusting my gut. the vibe, the universe! whatever right. I find women are sooooo fuckin’ bitchy, I’ve only a handful of genuine female friends that I could count on one hand. The rest of my circle are guys.  I’m a tomboy. The only thing girly about me is that I’ve a vagina and boobs! I’m not into skirts, I don’t like dresses, I’ve only a couple of pairs of heels and even then most of them are boots. I don’t wear perfume & the only make up I wear is mascara so I can look like I’ve actually got eye lashes and if I’m going out somewhere the only “dolled up” look I have is eye shadow is included with a little lip gloss. I am so not high maintenance. I’m a trainers kinda girl, I love my jeans, I don’t like my clothes to have sparkles or sequins covering them. In fact I would say that my brain is more masculine than feminine. Don’t get me wrong, I can be very ladylike, polite and well mannered when I need to be, I can dress up when it is required (tho thankfully not that often) and I can wear colours other than black.  I can accept who I am.

It’s finding others who accept you that is the hard part. Not even in terms of a relationship, (that drought isn’t gonna be over any time soon!) but just as friends.  Sometimes tho, I find friendships are more important and soooo much more valuable than a relationship because they can end, but a friendship is supposed to last for years right? I know they say that people come into your life to teach you something, but fuck it, when do I get the friend who comes into my life and wants to fucking stay there? Is it because I find it hard to discuss myself, my insecurities? I can talk about overdosing at 14 years old. I can talk about being divorced and becoming a single parent at 21, I can talk about my ex partner cheating on me for 6 months and driving me into a depression. I can talk about all this. But I find it hard to talk to people about the now, what’s in the present. I know that. I’m closed off.  Maybe that’s because the walls have been too high for too long and although I’m keeping the threat out, I’m doing more harm than good because I feel that when I open up about me, in the present, people will leave. It’s easier to talk about them. Help them. Be there for them. Maybe I’m not as strong as I’d like to think I am. This drives me batty!!!

It opens up a door of self pity and I fucking detest it. I hate the feeling of being that way. Don’t get me wrong, we all need times to wallow and mourn whatever we lose, but you pick yourself back up and get stand firm on your feet and you learn from that experience and try to be stronger so it doesn’t happen again. NO? YES? I feel like I’m losing the fucking plot! Am I alone in this?

So if my situation was a friend I know what I would tell her. I know the advice I would give her, I would be making the tick off fucking sheet for her to mark when she achieved the goals set but for myself…. I CANNOT DO IT! and then I get angry at myself, then I feel sorry for myself, then I laugh at the whole situation and think I’m such a fucking twat for being this way and then the thinking goes off on a totally different tangent and then one issue becomes multiple and if you’re anything like me, you can find a way to link the most random issues together to make it one huge fucking problem that you have totally over thought, blew out of proportion and even though your brain, heart and soul can tell you you’re being a dick, you still wallow!!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ALL ABOUT???????

I find myself going back through all the issues, stripping them down to a list, making them individual again and taking one at the time I ask myself “What does my gut tell me?”…. Then I cry. I make tea, which is half drunk and I find I’ve circled back to not having a fucking clue….

I think I just need to disconnect for a while. Throw myself into something that’s not to do with friends. it’s not that i’m turning my back on them. If they need me, they’ll know I’ll be there for them, but maybe I need to show myself the same intense dedication that I give others. Maybe I need to just love who I am with the love I give others, Maybe I need to look at the phoenix tattoo and remind myself of who I am, what I do, what I believe in, what I offer and know I’m fucking awesome, I’m a great friend, I’m a great mom, I’m a great person! I can love my greatness and let it be enough for me. Believe in myself. Push myself out of my comfort zone, live. For me. Trust my gut and become better for me. Trust my gut and walk away from whatever doesn’t give me peace. Trust my gut that the lessons are learnt. Just simply Trust My Gut!

Isn’t friendship a funny aul’ thing?

Image result for what is a friend quotes

Do you remember your very first friend? Do you remember how you started to talk to the person? where you being nice or did you’s end up being friends after having a fight?

Isn’t it strange how we make friends? As kids we have no social judgement, we don’t care what the other person looks like, how they are dressed, as young kids we just wanted to have another human to play with and fill out our days. As adults, we are more selective. We judge (ohhhh c’mon, you know fine rightly you do, it’s just part of being human!) people on where they are from, how they look, how they dress, if they smell, if they smile, if they have annoying habits, if they laugh too loud, if we connect. Because no matter what, above all else, we are looking, yearning even, for that connection.

We make “friends” at work, in social surroundings. If you’re one of the lucky one’s, your friendships from childhood are just as strong today as they were decades ago.  There are people we just meet who we instantly click with, they gel with our personalities and lifestyles and the next thing you know, they’re your best friend & you’re part of their life.

I have asked it before though, what about the people we “meet” online. Those names, avi’s, personalities that are on our computers, laptops, phones and tablets. Those people who we share our daily lives with except we never meet them? Are they any less a friend than those we have face to face? What about those people who don’t have the social skills to meet people face to face, who find their cyber friends are it, they are the only people they have in their lives, they are the only ones that they have to communicate with? does it make a friendship any less because you cannot physically see them?

Friendships that start online on social media, develop to emails, to text messages and then phone calls? Are they any less than meeting someone for coffee, physically seeing the other person smile, how they smell, their eyes blink? as a race, we crave communication. we crave acceptance. but as a race we also judge, gossip and complain about people, so do people prefer to have online friendships so they can use their technology as a barrier?

Have people been hurt so much by their friends and loved ones that they feel they can’t meet people face to face, they don’t want to risk of rejection, hurt and emotional turmoil? And what about those who lost their friends from being in the wrong relationship, have had people give up on them and are simply put the person that everybody leaves? what psychological way does the brain work to prevent the physical and emotional pain.

When you meet somebody new as an adult, is there always a pressure for a man and female to see if there is an attraction to lead to a relationship or can we truly have a fully platonic friendship and not have ANY romantic emotions towards the other person?

No matter what or who you are becoming friends with, what do you want to get out of that friendship and how till that other person effect your life?

This is what goes through my mind at times, along with how I feel about HIM and why I get attached to easily to people and how I am the one people leave and how I get hurt and tired with all the shit,  but if i’m honest, it’s not always so doom and gloom. It really isn’t.

 

I love having somebody to talk to that’s an adult, that’s not my kids, that’s actually MY friend and not friends with me and my kids because sometimes we need to be that little bit selfish. I love people who make me laugh, who I can be really sarcastic with and know I will not offend. That person who makes me smile and feel good, and I can just be me. I can be as dirty and twisted minded as i wanna be and i’m not judged, I can be as dry witted and quick off the mark with and the banter is just sooooooo good. I love having a person to tell me about their day and talk about the silly things amongst the serious.

 

I have this with HIM. He makes me feel like I’m me again. I am not mum. I am not the daughter. I don’t have the responsibilities of being an adult. Even though we talk about the kids, our parents, lives, jobs, homes, cars, all the adult shit, but we can have a laugh too. I can say something and immediately know he’s gonna twist it and our dirty minds will take it to the next level and you know fine rightly you’ll end up blushing scarlet and laughing till you snort. you get to be yourself.

I have learnt this year that I missed me. I truly missed me. I missed my personality, my character, it was like I was in denial about having lost myself, not enjoying my life, I was simply existing daily and not living. I was going through the motions and calling it a life.

HE reminded me, through helping him, what I can offer, who I am, what I believe in, what I want to work for, who I want to work for.  A reminder of being a decent human being, that it’s ok to care. that it’s ok to say i’m not ok. and although this year, when people ask me if i’m ok and i tell them yes, even though i know i’m not, I have to learn it’s ok to tell a person when i’m not ok. because that’s what friends are for. They are there to help, to pick you up, to share a shoulder to cry on, to laugh along side you and hold your hand when you just need to be in silence but know you’re not alone.

If you have somebody like that, tell them how amazing they are, how much you appreciate them and love them. If you have a great friend, be it in person or cyber, let them know how you feel because they are gold dust. And remember, if you have a friend of the opposite sex, it’s perfectly fine to find them attractive, it’s only natural, but love what you have, don’t take them for granted for how they make you feel. how you love hearing their voice, seeing a smile, getting a hug, whatever way you communicate, love it.

Sometimes, we pick a person that we click with, because at the time of our lives that we are introduced to each other, they are there for a reason. So figure out what the reason is and embrace it. I think the reason behind HIM being in my life at the moment is to teach me a lesson. The lesson being that I know now I can feel those emotions again, I can be attracted to a guy and feel ok about it, I can laugh till I snort, I can be a sarcastic, dirty minded, sweary like a dirty sailor tomboy and feel good about who I am. my personality and character are solid and I appreciate him as friend even if that’s all we will ever be. That’s a hell of a lesson to learn.

LB x

Your “music” for sleepy ears

This past week and a bit I have been sleeping like shite. There have been numerous nightmares, I’m not getting to sleep till well past 3am and I’m grouchy as hell for it too.

My son isn’t well at the moment either so I thought it was just me being a bit more conscience of his breathing, listening in case he was sick etc, well maybe, partly. But I’m near certain it’s because I haven’t got talking to HIM for a while now and I miss his voice. Thought it sounded crazy too but last night while I was lying in my bed at 3.30am tossing and turning I decided to put the theory to the test. I listened to his voice mails and guess what.. afterwards? Out like a fucking light!

It doesn’t matter how I feel about him, he’s made his feelings perfectly clear and there will never be anything between us, which I accept, but don’t you think i’m kinda fucked if I can’t fall asleep unless I hear his voice? I know the evenings we talk and I’m already in bed and his voice is the last thing I hear, those nights, I’m asleep that quickly I don’t even remember falling asleep. It’s like one minute we’re talking, the next I’m wakening up the next morning. I sleep THAT GOOD!

When I was with my ex, every night we went to bed I curled up so I could place my head on his chest and fall asleep listening to his heart’s rhythm. I missed it a lot when I became single, to the point where I didn’t sleep for 4 months after we split.

why do we depend on something so simple as a heart beat or the tone of somebody’s voice (esp the guy’s sleepy tone!) to find our comfort?

I’m so screwed when he meets someone and our phone calls end. It’s on the cards to happen. Its like being on borrowed time knowing it’s all gonna end and boy will I be fucked then.

What do you need to listen to before falling over to sleep? leave me a comment x

Tis the season!!

My family traditions for the Christmas period are:

  • The tree goes up on the first of December.
  • We visit the local Yuletide market.
  • The table is set and decorated on Christmas Eve.
  • I wrap all the gifts on Christmas Eve after I’ve watched the Polar Express with the kids and they go off to bed.
  • My parents come to my house Christmas Day after my son comes home from seeing his dad on Christmas morning.
  • We go to my sisters house for Boxing Day dinner.
  • No phones are allowed. Photographs are taken (on proper cameras) & we play board games till we need to curl up and sleep off the food comas!

This year is different. I think my teenage son is gonna have his last year of believing, I can tell you, it’s breaking my heart, but I know as an autistic family we have been lucky to have 8 years of believing and the magic it brings. Not many are so lucky. I always remember my year of not believing and the magic of Christmas died. I honestly didn’t think I’d find that magic again until I became a mum. I love the family days out, seeing the decorations, getting into the Christmas spirit and even tho Christmas Eve is beyond doubt my hardest day of the year emotionally, I still love it.

My sister is away again this Christmas. So we are at her house Christmas Eve Eve and so for the first time in 7 years we will be back at my parents house for a meal on Boxing Day.

And this year our tree is going up one day early and only because the kids are too busy tomorrow evening & my son has finished his winter exams today so he can destress by decorating it.

On Christmas Morning I’ll send my only Christmas texts of the day till my family go home and then I’ll check in with those I know who are alone that evening.

Then I can sit during my December evenings with the twinkly Christmas tree lights till the new year and take it all down again.

31 days of excitement, joy & peace after running about like a blue arse fly.

And this year I cannot forgot the batteries!!!

Leave a comment and tell me what are your Christmas traditions and what is your favourite part of December

LB x

I missed me

Everything was upon my shoulders for a very long time and today nothing has changed in that sense. As a single parent I have to shoulder all the responsibility and deal with the outcomes of my choices. It’s fine. Joys of parenthood.

Now my eldest is at an age where we can have a friendship too. Many women say they don’t want to be a friend to their daughter, they have plenty of friends, and that they’ll only have one mum and that’s true but I still want my daughter to have a friendship with me too. I can be her mum and guide her, advice her and bring her up in the world till she becomes independent but it would break my heart if my daughter grew up not to like me as a person either. Anyway, we get on like a house on fire and we are both in a similar situation with the guys. So we talk about them both… A LOT.

It was with one of our conversations that I realised HE makes me happy. Genuinely. It’s not about the feeling like if we were in a relationship, it’s the feeling he gives me from being my friend. I am reminded of who I am. My personality. I am reminded of how much I love laughter!! The simple things of coming up with a witty comeback at the perfect moment, the banter I can have. I’m reminded of who I am. Who I was. Who. I. Lost.

We sometimes say “I wish I was 18 again” and it’s not to be young but to be who we were at that point. Carefree. Fun loving. Spontaneous. Happy. Up for a laugh. I’ll forever feel younger than my age because as a tomboy I’m just a big wean anyway but it’s a fantastic feeling to be sitting on the edge of the bed, drying my hair and having a genuine smile on my face instead of sobbing my heart out.

HE reminded me of who I am. I can be myself. I can be sarcastic, I can laugh freely, I don’t feel like I’m faking any of my personality, I’m just me.

To be able to be in peoples company and just be yourself after so long trying to please everybody else is so refreshing. So today I’m smiling for me. For the first time. In ages.

Lb x

Free hugs

You know the videos right? They’re always on social media.

They usually show a person standing blindfolded in the high street with their arms wide open waiting for another person to have the balls to walk up and hug them, a complete stranger. Just because!

But can you think why they’re doing it?

Is it a case of needing attention? Maybe some form of physical contact to make them feel alive? Is there a deep meaningful spiritual empowerment they receive? Or maybe they simply want to pay it forward or do they just do it for a quick hit online?

Whatever their reasons, I wonder what the reasons are for the general public to hug them? Do they feel pity? Compassion? Do they seek a physical connection in a world that is overpowered by technology and gismos?

Have people connected and made friends? Have they a story for their kids and grandkids to tell them how they met?

When we hug somebody it’s for certain reasons. To show friendship, love, support, congratulations or compassion, pity, etc. There’s the type of hugs that are a quick embrace, there’s the ones that include the patting of the back, the rubbing of the arms, the bear hug, the air hug like air kisses, the grip more tighter when you try to pull away.

The good hugs always make you feel safe, secure, happy and loved. The awkward hugs make you feel…. well just that, awkward!

As a parent I love to hug my kids. I would tell them I’m stealing a hug from them when they were younger because they had special powers; their hugs made me happy.

My daughter is now becoming a young adult. Her hugs are precious as I don’t get that many from her anymore

Autism changed my hugs with my boy though. I have to wait till my son hugs me, or now I have to ask for a hug. Add to the fact that he’s hitting puberty & it’s so not cool to hug your mum you know!

So maybe as a parent I could be the person blindfolded and ask for free hugs, embrace my kids and enjoy the big squishy hugs I would get in return.

Everybody needs that connection. Offer a hug. Don’t make it one of the awkward pity ones. Big bear hug and hold tighter for a second or two longer if they need it. Because you can’t beat a free hug.

It’s not all doom and gloom

There are times when I get a few minutes in the day and I check my social media. As a society as a whole are we really such complainers and moaners?

I know life isn’t easy and we all have our own problems and issues to find solutions to, but do we really need to focus more on the negative side of the coin and just forget the positive?

This afternoon I was re reading some of my work blog posts and I was reminded why I love photography so much. And funnily enough I was asked yesterday if I still loved it? I do, so much. I feel there are days that life and other responsibilities take a higher priority but as a single parent I have to do it all. There is no delegation. Saying that, I am happy. I am. I know what my life would have turned out like if I had stayed in the bad relationships and I am proud of myself for removing myself and my kids out of that bad environment. I am able to look after myself, my kids and even my parents. I can meet up with friends on the rare occasion and enjoy myself.

I enjoy my own company as much as there are times I bitch about the loneliness but if I can’t enjoy my own fucking company I’m screwed aren’t I?

I can find things to laugh about. I find myself smiling at times. So it’s not all doom and gloom.

We have to find the simple pleasures in life to make it all worth while. So, I’m sorry for being a sad sack. No doubt it will get worse esp at Christmas Eve as that is my hardest day of the year but I promise there’s a few smiles between now and then. Hope you are all doing ok too. Keep smiling x

Exhausting being alone

A huge topic that hasn’t left me recently is loneliness. I have been chatting with others online and I was amazed that they are lonely.

When you follow their social media they are on trips with friends, they have nights out, there are the private conversations telling me they are single and alone. If we can be with people or stand on our own two feet and still feel incredibly lonely what the hell are we doing to ourselves? Why?

I’m told that I’m a lovely person, that I’m a gem and any guy would be lucky to have me in his corner. My friends try to make me feel better about being alone. That I am a single parent.

I have no regrets ending my relationships when they weren’t real. There was no love, honesty, trust or loyalty. I was depressed. I became withdrawn. I didn’t want to do things in my life. So I called it a day.

Am I lonely? Yes. Incredibly so. I don’t have anybody to talk about my day. I don’t have anybody to talk to full stop. Oh don’t get me wrong, I have my kids and my parents but there are some conversations I just don’t want to have with them. I miss being in a relationship. Not just sexually but the whole thing.

HE was telling me a while back about how he got his hair cut. It made me think of what I miss. That simple thing of curled up beside someone and stroking up the back of their head while watching a movie. That touch. The sensation. It’s bliss.

The simply thing of sitting in the passenger seat while he drives and you have your hand resting on his thigh. It’s there and you can feel his body heat warming through his jeans and when you move yer hand away he grabs it and places it back to where it was because he misses the heat from you.

When you’re hurt and you just want to curl up and feel looked after and he pulls you close and wraps his arms around you and when you inhale you are infused with his scent. It’s intoxicating!

But the reality is you cry your pain away, feel sorry for yourself and make a cuppa. You’re the driver and there is no body heat. There is no hair cut to play with so you twiddle your own hair around your fingers.

But still you believe. Maybe it’s how we get through the hard times. We hope. We believe we have a soulmate. We have faith that someday we will meet another human who will love us unconditionally. Yet deep down we know we’re still alone.

I talked to somebody this morning who told me they were single because “nobody wants me”

Isn’t that heartbreaking? But it’s how we can feel. I get it. I’m the girl that everybody comes to for help but nobody wants me. Nobody wants to wake up next to me. Nobody wants to hear me laugh, or tease me. Nobody wants to hold my hand or kiss my lips. Nobody wants to be with a single mum with two teenagers, deal with autism and all my shit. So if nobody wants to be with me, am I a bad person? Do my arms hug less? Does my heart love less? Does my touch cause harm? Am I less of a person for being alone?

We tell others “cheer up, the person for you is out there” we say “your soulmate is looking for you too” and we tell the clincher “if they don’t love you for who you are they aren’t the one”

Are they lies to soothe the ache tho?

Why do people not talk about being lonely? How it effects their emotional state! Is being lonely like the worst thing you can admit to?

We hear of people who have been lonely for years and years only to stumble across their soulmate and they got their happily ever after. I’m pleased for them, really. They aren’t suffering anymore.

But how can we stop suffering when it’s just ourselves? How can we pick ourselves up and carry on with optimism when it’s our own selves at the lowest point.

I look forward to the Sunday were I can roll over and kiss the man that loves me whole heartedly and make him coffee and spend time together in bed eating pancakes, but today, I just can’t see it happening.

The strong friend.

They are the one who is there for everybody else, no matter what. You can go to them with all your issues, problems, and they don’t judge you. They drop everything to help you work out your problems. They offer advice, support, opinions, a different view point, look to find a solution. They help. They give the tightest hugs. They bring the bottle of wine. They make the comfort food. They lose sleep to sit up all night with you on the phone till you can fall asleep. They drive for hours to make sure you’re ok and wipe away tears.

They make the point of checking in daily. The text messages, the phone calls, emails, the social media conversations. They connect.

They make sure you feel you have somebody in your corner.

They fight your battles along side you. They welcome you with open arms. They swing the bat having your bat. They bring the shovel to bury the demons.

They have you.

They make sure you know you are not alone.

They care.

 

 

But when YOU are the strong friend. You are everybody’s person. Why? Because you know first hand what it is like not to have anybody. You deal. You kick ass. You find the solutions. But do you ever stop and wonder who the fuck is there for you?

Who sends you the text messages to say “how are you today?”

Who take the 5 minutes out of the day to dial your number and say “Hi, Just checkin’ in”

Who sends you the email to say ” Hi, Just was thinking of you and thought I’d send you a message!”

when something goes wrong. when you get hurt, when you’re struggling. who is there for you?

The problem with being the strong friend is that you teach people you are ok. you cope. you don’t need anybody. when all reality is completely different. you need to have someone in your corner. you need the tight hugs, you need the messages to say you’re important, you’re thought of. you lose yourself being the strong one. people come to you you help them, they get sorted and then they leave. you’re on your own again.

I’m a strong friend. I wouldn’t change it. I know what it’s like to sit at the edge of your bed, blow drying your hair while you sob your heart out. I know what it’s like curling up in bed at night with a pillow, hugging it as if it’s got body heat and a heart beat. I know what it’s like wanting to have someone at the end of the day to tell your thoughts to. I know what it’s like to want to hear the simple words “hunny, i’m home”..

yet we still stay strong. we want to at least give that love, attention and feeling to someone else so they don’t feel the loneliness  like we do. that’s our gift and torture.

so if you have a strong friend, make sure they’re not losing themselves. make sure they know you appreciate them, they are loved, give them a hug, hold their hand, listen to them. help them to open up because the strong ones are always helping others to open up and keeping themselves quiet. when you ask them if they are ok and they say i’m fine, i’m ok or i’m alright, don’t believe them. they may just be finding it hard to open up, to let their feelings out, tell them it’s ok. treat them the same way they have for you. let them know they aren’t invisible. let them know you see them. truly. let them know.