“A life lived in fear is a life have lived”

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For a year & a half, I’ve been talking to HIM nearly every single day. It’s not a 5 minute phone call either, we are on the phone for hours. We talk about the most random things and we laugh a lot.  I have gotten used to having those phone calls and I’ll be honest, I cherish every single one. It’s kinda scary though because when he does eventually stop chatting with me, the loneliness is going to cripple me. Even thinking about not hearing his voice causes my heart to ache. As much as I’m attracted to him, he’s my best friend.

HE will never know how much I appreciate what he’s done for me, making me see things in a way that I didn’t think I would ever again, emotions I thought I had locked down are rising and slowly leaking back into the head and heart.

I was asked the other day by a fellow tweeter how was single when I was such a nice person? She’s getting over an emotional abusive relationship herself so we’ve kinda clicked and talk about our own experiences and feelings. It’s strange, I can talk to her and she get’s me. But when HE asks me how I am, he get’s the automatic reply of “i’m fine”. I don’t know if it’s because I really can’t talk to HIM about HIM lol or if she just get’s me and understands my fear.  But this quote pretty well sum’s me up.

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So, how do we get over this? How do I learn to drop the knife and let people in?

Being a person that loves to chat, get to know people, communicate, I’m a hypocrite. I’ll be the first to admit it. Online I’m me.  I can be open and talk because I’m safe. Nobody can see me, nobody can judge me to my face and I can deal with rejection when it’s not personal. But then that connection you build with someone becomes personal doesn’t it?Photo 20-06-2018, 01 31 49

When we let people in. when we crack our walls slightly and let in the light, we’re not used to the warmth. Stepping out of the shadows into the sunlight can feel amazing, you get used to it and let the crack get a little bit bigger each day and then before you know it, the walls are starting to crumble. The strength of the sunlight becomes addictive and yet you fear, the cloud of pain will return and you’ll retreat into the shadows of the walls when they are rebuilt.

Oh my fucking god, isn’t that a truly sad way to live? What power does the person who fucked us over have, even after such a lengthy time, to stop us from living our lives.

“A life lived in fear is a life have lived”

How true is that!

How sad is it, that if we meet someone and take the chance of letting them in we have to tell them “If I let you in, please don’t destroy me”

How annoying and incredibly frustrating is it that we have to find a way to live our lives with this much insecurity in ourselves?

Why can’t we just say ” This is who I am. I love me enough not to be destroyed if you reject me”

And when you have been on your own for so long, why do not trust people?

why do we think they are only after us for something to benefit them?

why do we think we can’t possibly be enough?

because somewhere down the line in the past, some fucker destroyed you.  They took all your wishes and dreams and crushed them. they made you feel like shit on their shoe. They watched you spiral into a depression, while knowing they were the cause and didn’t stop. they watched, they taunted, they manipulated, they hurt you.

How do we come back from that? All our confidence, self esteem, self worth, love,  happiness, joy of who you are was left in ashes as they stood back and watched you burn.

That isn’t love. That’s hell.

So you get the power to leave.

and if you are in the process of getting out of a shitty relationship, let me tell you this.

YOU ARE AMAZING!!!!

You are putting yourself first, you’re strong, fighting for yourself, Stand on your own two feet planted firmly into the ground. Be PROUD!!!

HE tells me all the time about how he wants to meet someone & it’s not just about sex. The more I talk to HIM about what HE is after I realise I’m coming to the stage of my journey where I want that too.

I want a man.

Ladies, I know you fight for equality and woman’s power etc and yes you should do that for sure, But i’m fucking old school.

I want a man.

I want a man that will open the door for me and smack my ass

I want a man that will pull my chair out for me when I sit down

I want a man that will look at me as if i’m his whole world.

I want to be a woman that will treat her man like a king.

I want to feed my man. I want to create a home for my man.

I want to support him as much as he supports me. I want a man to give me incredible hugs when I need them or just because.

I want a man to love me. for my sarky personality, my quirks and flaws, I want a man to love me for my stretch marks because they show I’ve made life, carried it and brought it into the world, I want him to cup my face and give me forehead kisses, I need him to see all my wobbly bits and know that i’m real. flawed but real. I need him to see that i’m “perfect” because my arms can hug him when he needs comfort. my lips can kiss his. my shoulders are there to support him, my hands can hold his so he knows he’s not alone, my legs can make me stand tall and proud of all his achievements. my feet will walk beside his together through life and my eyes will show him my unconditional love when words cannot express it.

I know what I bring to the table,  I know the person I am,  I know I have so much love to give yet I live in the fear that I am not enough. I will be rejected and I’d rather push people away than let them in. because that pain, I can control.  Isn’t that fucking sad????

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This is what I want. This is the man I want. More than a soulmate, he’s got to be my TEAM MATE!

HE is my best friend. HE makes me sit back and think about what I want in my life, who I want in my life and although we’ll never be together, I can only hope I find a guy that makes me feel like HE does and wants me just as much. I hope he knows that I’m HIS best friend, soul mate and TEAM MATE…. If he just puts up with my shit and climbs the damn walls, because for fuck sake, I’m worth it!

I hate the pity party for one.

I hate how the emotions are just going around and around and my mood is affected.

I wish I was a better human but i’m just me. I’m not a gorgeous model, I’m not high maintenance beauty. I’m just your every day girl whose been hurt and locked herself away and now wants to find someone who will be there for her. I’m tired of fighting life on my own. I just want to be happy and share the rest of my life with someone.

Fuck, Don’t I sound needy and clingy.

yeah maybe I do, but it’s real.

I’m dealing with it.

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I love being a loyal person

Guess who got in touch the other day? Yup, HE did. So we had a conversation and basically all is good. HE says I’ve not done anything wrong and not to worry or be paranoid, we are good! So I have to be honest, HE made me smile.

I know you don’t need to speak to somebody ALL the time but I suppose I had got used to our routine. When it changed, and changed so quickly, I guess I panicked incase it was like our first fall out. I am so glad that’s not the case and we’re alright. I value my friendships big time because I guess I don’t have that many.

I think that’s been part of my head fuckage lately and taking off the rose tinted glasses.

I love being a loyal person to my friends, but I’m learning very, very quickly who regards me to the same level. I can tell you now, there’s not any! But I’ve a very select few who are close to the mark. That makes me happy

Disregarded

How is it May already? Anybody else thinking this year is just another one that’s zooming by us quicker than we blink?

So here’s the gist right? HE has now cut all contact. AGAIN! But I refuse to chase after him because he doesn’t want me. Maybe HE wasn’t what I thought I really wanted anyway. That whole wrong person, wrong timing, but you realise you’re alone and they have you attention!?!

Sure, it was great to have another adult to talk to but I know I deserve much more, even in a friendship.

That’s been one of things in this very long spell of head fuckage. I’m so tired of being the person there for everybody else and I’m not worthy of anything else except when they need somebody to bitch at. My mum says it’s my own fault, it’s the type of ‘friends’ I pick. I guess she’s right.

On one hand I don’t ever wanna have to change who I am but then if I don’t make the changes am I not just setting myself up for all the heart ache and tears then? I gotta learn to say no, not get attached and think that everybody I chat to is gonna be a friend and stay.

It’s hard.

There’s moments in the day I find myself staring at my phone, like in a day dream, just thinking to myself ‘I hate social media’ I hate that it’s made me needy and attaching waaaaaaay to quickly with those I click with.

HE has made the break. There is sometimes more to be said in a person’s silence than noise. I refuse to run after anybody because fuck, nobody runs after me! Nobody cares.

At the end of the day, I’m just a name & an avi in somebody’s phone. I’m a voice over a speaker. I’m disregarded.

Maybe, one day, I’ll eventually meet somebody whose been looking for somebody like me, forever and when they find me, they will love me and cherish me and won’t ever let me go.

If that’s the case, please Fate, can he be tall, some facial gruff, strong arms, soft mega kissable lips and a smile that will floor me always. Don’t forget, huge sense of humour and a dirty mind too! Cheers me dears, you’re a superstar x

At what point can we say “I deserve to be loved”?

amy weight quote

I have been going over a lot of things lately and one thing keeps rearing it’s head. How a woman is defined as being the perfect partner!

Conversations have lead to women telling me:

  • They don’t feel pretty
  • They feel ugly
  • They feel unappreciated
  • They are undervalued
  • They are ignored for the girl who got the “gorgeous genes”
  • They feel depressed when shopping for clothes because NOTHING looks GOOD on them
  • They’re fat
  • They’re too chunky
  • Their arms are too big
  • They have a double chin
  • They have belly rolls
  • They can’t leave the house without makeup
  • Their thighs touch
  • They’re teeth aren’t white enough

I know I’m on the chunky curvy side of the scale but it amazes me how we are body shamed. Cause let’s face it, being overweight it worse than being a serial killer right?

worse than being fat

Where in the world does it state that because I’m not thin, I’m less of a human being?

Because I don’t tick the society’s box of “beautiful” does that mean I not worthy of having someone come home to me? Am I not worthy of hugging another human being? Am I not worthy of kissing another human being or heaven above, want to show the person my desire and down right horniness and I want to get my leg over? Are my orgasms not worthy of another person’s desire? Am I not worthy of cuddling up with someone on the sofa because my thighs aren’t stick thin to leave a gap? Am I not worthy of holding another person’s hand while walking down the street because my tummy is big?

Am I not worthy of being able to walk into the garage to pay for my fuel without someone hurling abuse at me because I’ve got a large ass? Am I not worthy to treat my children to a meal out, without someone rudely telling their family, in front of mine, that they can’t sit by the “fat bitch”?

Am I not worthy of laughter, fun, happiness, joy? Am I not worthy of NOT being judged about my capabilities for my job because I’m not skinny?

Am I not worthy?

 

body thighs quote

When people tell me they are looking for love, they don’t judge and want somebody who is amazing, well you’re talking shite through your arse!

You want someone who turns you on visually. You want a love based on looks. you want somebody amazing who makes you feel better about your own insecurities.

The woman who stands loyally by your side, who supports you in hard times. Encourages you to be the man you strive to be, Enriches your power like a King because she is Queen, is faithful, loves you unconditionally, praises you for your successes, picks you up after you wallow in self pity in the failures, that woman. no she’s not good enough.

Why?

She doesn’t have a Victoria Secret model body. She’s got stretch marks, she’s got flab – on her arms, legs, tummy, bum, she’s got a double chin, she’s got short arms, or she’s got glasses, and not the cute sexy secretary type either, she’s  no make up or very little, she’s a little rough around the edges, she’s not perfect, but she’s real.

Flaws.

You can take a look at me and see my tummy. Look and you’ll see it has it’s own bar code made up of stretch marks. Does it look pretty. fuck no! but it protected my babies and helped them grow and develop to be born. I’m thankful for my tummy.

Let’s look at my boobs, are they perky and high? No. I’m nearly 40 and after two kids they’re not as round and perky anymore. Unlike other women who NEED to have their boobs filled with fake crap and have the porn star look, I love that my girls are real & fuck can I fill a bra out perfectly naturally thank you very much.

My Thighs. FUCK THEY TOUCH!!! Quick!! it’s a natural disaster!!!! What the living hell do you care if you have a gap or not? My daughter told me once, she has “mermaid thighs”…. when I asked her wtf did that mean she told me that they were that big they touched. Yet this is supposed to be a “positive” outlook instead of the body shaming?

My ass! My ass is huge! When I walk it chews a brick! I LOVE my ass. Because there’s plenty for you when I bend over and tell you to kiss it!  And there’s plenty there to slap and grab. Why do we as women want a socialite’s ass when your own is perfect as it is.

My mouth. It’s got lips, they can move, my jaw moves, I can kiss softly and gently, I can tease, I can kiss you so god damn hard your hands will roam over my big ass quite happily!!! My mouth also talks. I can hold a conversation with you.  tell you I missed you, I love you, it can ask how your day was, and ask what’s wrong baby? it can offer help, opinions, advice and solutions. I can soothe you when you need it and laugh at all your corny jokes.

My arms. They welcome you home, they say good morning, they say I missed you, they tell you your safe, they tell you you are not alone & they squeeze you that little bit tighter and little bit longer when you need it.  They poke their elbows into your ribs in jest, they bump your shoulder when I call you a dork, they wrap themselves around you when we go to sleep.

So you tell me, does that define me as a perfect partner?

no?

OK so what else does a woman need to be worthy?

confidence? self respect? self esteem? what about independence? financially secure? risk taker and working for herself? or just working for somebody else?what about her morals, beliefs? compassion?  loyal? faithful? honest? supportive? helpful? caring?

When do we tell a woman or man, that they are enough and it’s nothing to do with how they look? what their body shape or size is?

 

Choose yourself

image from Pinterest

Today I went to my slimming club, I was dreading the scales because I didn’t think I’d done very well. Maybe a half pound off at the most, but fuck me sideways, 4lbs off baby!!! ***Celebratory dance***

Instantly put a smile on my face and spring in my step for the rest of my day. I had met up with two fab people for a photo shoot too and it was great to just click with people and I can’t wait to get editing.

HE was on the phone with me yesterday pretty much half his shift which made me happy. But today I’ve not heard from him. I know he’s flat out with work, I choose to let my happiness from today keep me smiling.

Such a simple task, yet we find it so hard to achieve: choose happiness!

When the asshole cuts you up on the road, shout/curse at them then play your favourite song and turn the volume up to 11.

When you rip your favourite pair of jeans, girl you got legs! Wear the damn skirt with yer favourite shoes/boots and walk like you own the catwalk!

When you feel yourself feeling that you aren’t enough, uh uh, honey, put that hand up at your reflection in the mirror and tell yourself you are a queen, straighten that crown and stand proudly before yourself. You got this.

We have to make our own happiness, why put it in the hands of others when they can drop that fragile glass globe of joy.

Find the happiness in the stupidest things.

Raining? Go outside and jump in the puddle

Music on in the house? Shake your booty

Going to bed alone? Hello 800 thread count bed sheets that you can starfish all night long baby!

Choose yourself.

Is life really supposed to be this hard?

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I sat in my Doctor’s office last year, tissues in my hand, black mascara tears streaming down my face, sobbing and the look on his face was one of no judgement.

I am a single parent, I have a child with autism, I look after my two elderly parents who now can’t drive and have their own ailments which I have to take on board while my sister lives her married life, 30 minutes away…….

I have to do daily shopping runs, medicine collections, hospital and doctor appointments, dental appointments, general every day duties for my parents, I have my own two children to look after, school and college runs, doctor and hospital appointments, college drop offs and collections.

It all lands on me while I try to build up my business because at nearly 40 I want my life back. Sounds pretty selfish right? But at some time I will have to say no. This has been on my mind now for the past two years. I’m told I’ll never succeed if I don’t try but when I do try I’m asked to do this that and the other. My sister doesn’t do anything. She takes my mum shopping once a week and that’s it. She doesn’t take them to appointments or go collect medicines, even though she visits my parents 3 times a week.

So I sat in my doctors office, sobbing my heart out and told him I thought I was going mental. I seriously did think I was going crazy. He told me …

“You can’t be everybody’s anchor and let yourself drown”

OMG! Somebody who got me!?! I am always the person who everybody goes to for help and normally I don’t mind it. They look at me as I’m the strong person. I mean I’m the single parent bringing up the kids on my own, throw in autism and I can take on the world right?

NO!!!!!!!!!

Learn to say it! NO!!!!!!!!!!!! Stop it.

You can’t give everything you have to those around you when especially at that point you need to hang on to it yourself the most. Take your hand away from the cup, pull up the anchor, close down! Shut off. Step away from the edge of the world!!!!!!!!

We can question ourselves and overthink, we can give out advice and opinions. We can help everybody and anybody but at the end of the day I find myself asking

“Who cares about me?”

When you find yourself lying in bed, crying at 2am in the morning, with only yourself there to pick yourself up, that’s who cares about you. YOURSELF.

What about that for a battle though? One half of you is like tearing your soul apart and the other half is like your spirit in armour wielding its shield for protection and a sword to fight?

I dunno about you, but I’m so fucking tired of fighting. Every day is battle and my soul is ravaged, broken and bloody. My spirit is feeling the weight of its armour and weapons.

But we replenish, we find our second (hundredth) wind and we carry on.

But is life really supposed to be this hard?

How do you replenish? How do you say no without feeling guilty, how do you stop yourself from the self pity despair? Answers on a postcard (or comment below!)

Walking disaster

Quote from Pinterest

Today I can’t stop asking myself How did my life end up like this?

When my husband cheated and we got divorced I guess on one hand I was too young to really care. He cheated, I kicked him out and then moved back to my home town. When my ex cheated I thought it was down to his issues and when my best friend walked away and left nothing but silence, confusion and anger especially after helping her through the time of hell she went through it made me wonder

“what is wrong with me?”

If everybody is always leaving, what the hell am I doing wrong? And even tho HE says we’re good, I know in my heart we’re not really. I just don’t know what I’ve done for to make him distance himself?

It has meant over the years I’ve closed off from people. But HE has made me realise just how much I kiss feeling those emotions again about somebody. How do I be brave enough to open up and see what life throws me if I’m too scared to get attached? This alone with HIM is proving I’m getting attached waaaaaaaaay too quickly over a name and a voice.

I’m such a walking disaster!

If I let people in I’ll freak out and push them away. If I let people in slightly, I’ll get attached more than I should, if I let people in I’ll be happy but then I’ll feel like my chest is being ripped open when they leave and they always fucking leave. So what am I doing wrong?

It’s so fucking frustrating!!!!

Loneliness puts it’s arm around me

With the sunshine warming up my legs which are entwined through the duvet, I wake up feeling too warm, like I can’t breathe and the air is stuffy.  My arm reaches out to other side of the bed. It’s empty. It’s always empty.

I wake up another day alone. Loneliness wraps it’s arm around me and gives me a squeeze to say “I got you”.

I go about my day, looking after the kids from school runs to college runs, potter around the house, check on my elderly parents, take them to their appointments, collect my kids and come home to make dinner, watch tv, browse online.

I don’t have friends to phone. I don’t have friends to go visit. I don’t have friends that come to my house to visit me. I am alone. Loneliness wraps it’s arm around me and tells me “I’ll sit beside you…silently”.

At night when the kids have gone to bed, I walk in to my room.  I stand and look at my bed. There’s a dent on the mattress from the side of the bed I lie on. all the time. That’s actually a sad sight, a double bed with one body dent in the mattress. It a physical reminder I am alone. Loneliness wraps it’s arm around me and says “I’ll sleep with you”

I stand there, not wanting to get into the bed. I strip my clothes off and skim my fingers up and down my arms, with my eyes closed and I tell myself, “someday, somebody will be waiting for me in my bed so they can wrap their arm around me, pull me in close and tell me “I Love you baby” and I’ll never have to worry about the arm of loneliness again”.

8 years I have been on my own. I love my kids, I really do, but I’m lonely. I’m alone in my life and it breaks my heart because I never thought I would be the person who would have ended up alone and lonely.

I guess I’d love to hear from others, who feel lonely.

so I’m gonna say,  Here’s my email. If you feel lonely, and would like someone to have a daily conversation with. Even if it’s just to come in your door and literally send an email to say “honey i’m home” so you have someone ask you “how was your day?” or if you are facing getting into bed at night on your own and want someone to talk to, a simple “how was your day? do you have anything on your mind? what would you like to get off your chest, pillow talk” …. I would love to hear from you.

You can email me at Rocketblonde5@gmail.com if you fancy it.

Let’s tell loneliness, they don’t need to put an arm around us.

x

Am I ready?

head quote

What a roller coaster of emotions lately.

So, here’s what happened. HE stopped chatting. Like, ALL communication ceased. No phone calls, No messages, no social media interaction. Nothing. I will be honest, I freaked out. I thought I’d done something wrong. Eventually I couldn’t go on. The physical pain caused by my emotions was simply brutal.

To cut a long story short, we’ve been chatting with a couple of phone calls lately and HE says he just needed to get his head cleared. Totally get that. But it made me wonder when we were talking, why am I getting so attached to him?

I know he makes me happy. It’s more than that though, he makes me feel like I was before I made all my mistakes in men. He brings out my sass and makes me smile. I guess I missed having a friend. So maybe all my emotional pain is my fault because I’ve mistaked his friendship & banter as meaning more?

We spoke about relationships and what we are wanting eventually in life, I know there will never, ever be anything between us because we’re just not in the same area so a long distance relationship would never work, I’m not what he’s looking for “looks” wise & although we talk, I can’t honestly say we know each other. It doesn’t stop my heart swelling and the butterflies going crazy when I hear his voice though. It doesn’t stop me thinking about giving him a huge hug and wanting to curl up beside him in bed and asking him about his day/night.

My head knows nothing will ever happen, so why can’t I my heart understand it and get on board that he’s just a friend?

I keep myself so closed off to people. I’m scared. I’m scared that he’s actually made me feel those emotions again and now I’m thinking, should I start to want to have someone in my life whose gonna love me??

Do I take the risk of letting someone in and getting hurt again when they leave?

If I want someone in my life, I need to work on myself first. I need to learn to love myself more than what I do. I need to take care of myself and I need to start living my life instead of just existing.

That takes so much courage after not doing it for so long I don’t know if I can, but if i’m dreaming about it, maybe that’s a sign that I am ready? God knows, I just know that I’m glad that HE and I are doing okay and I can be hopeful that we both end up happy either way.

Rejection

My gut tells me our friendship is over.

Was it ever a friendship really?

He’s totally changed towards me and it’s so not my imagination.

And I’m scared. I’m scared to mention it because of the last time. For him to be nasty like that again would totally break me especially when I’ve not done anything. So I guess this is it.

Once again I let someone in and I’m left on the side, dazed and confused as to what the fuck happened?

I thought I was getting to the point where I was good to letting people in, this isn’t even about love or looking for a boyfriend, this is about in general, a friend.

You have to take a step back and wonder “what is wrong with me? What’s with all the constant rejection?”

They say people’s behaviour says more about them than it does you but when it’s an ongoing thing….. am I a shitty person? Do I make people feel like shit? Does my personality scream bitch?

Do people not realise, even those who tell you they’ve been hurt before, how hard it is for a broken hearted person to let you in? To trust? To feel comfortable in being yourself in their company? To open your heart and let them in?

If you have made friends with somebody whose good, drops everything to be there for you, cares and worries about you, stands firmly in your corner and only wants to see you happy? Who doesn’t discuss their worries and problems, doesn’t ask for anything and you treat them like shit, ignore them for no fucking reason, then guess what, you’re the fucking asshole who doesn’t fucking deserve them!

You may hurt them, cause an extra level on the emotional walls and the cracks sealed up but all that will settle in time.

It’s why I have a Phoenix after all, I just gotta keep rising!