At what point can we say “I deserve to be loved”?

amy weight quote

I have been going over a lot of things lately and one thing keeps rearing it’s head. How a woman is defined as being the perfect partner!

Conversations have lead to women telling me:

  • They don’t feel pretty
  • They feel ugly
  • They feel unappreciated
  • They are undervalued
  • They are ignored for the girl who got the “gorgeous genes”
  • They feel depressed when shopping for clothes because NOTHING looks GOOD on them
  • They’re fat
  • They’re too chunky
  • Their arms are too big
  • They have a double chin
  • They have belly rolls
  • They can’t leave the house without makeup
  • Their thighs touch
  • They’re teeth aren’t white enough

I know I’m on the chunky curvy side of the scale but it amazes me how we are body shamed. Cause let’s face it, being overweight it worse than being a serial killer right?

worse than being fat

Where in the world does it state that because I’m not thin, I’m less of a human being?

Because I don’t tick the society’s box of “beautiful” does that mean I not worthy of having someone come home to me? Am I not worthy of hugging another human being? Am I not worthy of kissing another human being or heaven above, want to show the person my desire and down right horniness and I want to get my leg over? Are my orgasms not worthy of another person’s desire? Am I not worthy of cuddling up with someone on the sofa because my thighs aren’t stick thin to leave a gap? Am I not worthy of holding another person’s hand while walking down the street because my tummy is big?

Am I not worthy of being able to walk into the garage to pay for my fuel without someone hurling abuse at me because I’ve got a large ass? Am I not worthy to treat my children to a meal out, without someone rudely telling their family, in front of mine, that they can’t sit by the “fat bitch”?

Am I not worthy of laughter, fun, happiness, joy? Am I not worthy of NOT being judged about my capabilities for my job because I’m not skinny?

Am I not worthy?

 

body thighs quote

When people tell me they are looking for love, they don’t judge and want somebody who is amazing, well you’re talking shite through your arse!

You want someone who turns you on visually. You want a love based on looks. you want somebody amazing who makes you feel better about your own insecurities.

The woman who stands loyally by your side, who supports you in hard times. Encourages you to be the man you strive to be, Enriches your power like a King because she is Queen, is faithful, loves you unconditionally, praises you for your successes, picks you up after you wallow in self pity in the failures, that woman. no she’s not good enough.

Why?

She doesn’t have a Victoria Secret model body. She’s got stretch marks, she’s got flab – on her arms, legs, tummy, bum, she’s got a double chin, she’s got short arms, or she’s got glasses, and not the cute sexy secretary type either, she’s  no make up or very little, she’s a little rough around the edges, she’s not perfect, but she’s real.

Flaws.

You can take a look at me and see my tummy. Look and you’ll see it has it’s own bar code made up of stretch marks. Does it look pretty. fuck no! but it protected my babies and helped them grow and develop to be born. I’m thankful for my tummy.

Let’s look at my boobs, are they perky and high? No. I’m nearly 40 and after two kids they’re not as round and perky anymore. Unlike other women who NEED to have their boobs filled with fake crap and have the porn star look, I love that my girls are real & fuck can I fill a bra out perfectly naturally thank you very much.

My Thighs. FUCK THEY TOUCH!!! Quick!! it’s a natural disaster!!!! What the living hell do you care if you have a gap or not? My daughter told me once, she has “mermaid thighs”…. when I asked her wtf did that mean she told me that they were that big they touched. Yet this is supposed to be a “positive” outlook instead of the body shaming?

My ass! My ass is huge! When I walk it chews a brick! I LOVE my ass. Because there’s plenty for you when I bend over and tell you to kiss it!  And there’s plenty there to slap and grab. Why do we as women want a socialite’s ass when your own is perfect as it is.

My mouth. It’s got lips, they can move, my jaw moves, I can kiss softly and gently, I can tease, I can kiss you so god damn hard your hands will roam over my big ass quite happily!!! My mouth also talks. I can hold a conversation with you.  tell you I missed you, I love you, it can ask how your day was, and ask what’s wrong baby? it can offer help, opinions, advice and solutions. I can soothe you when you need it and laugh at all your corny jokes.

My arms. They welcome you home, they say good morning, they say I missed you, they tell you your safe, they tell you you are not alone & they squeeze you that little bit tighter and little bit longer when you need it.  They poke their elbows into your ribs in jest, they bump your shoulder when I call you a dork, they wrap themselves around you when we go to sleep.

So you tell me, does that define me as a perfect partner?

no?

OK so what else does a woman need to be worthy?

confidence? self respect? self esteem? what about independence? financially secure? risk taker and working for herself? or just working for somebody else?what about her morals, beliefs? compassion?  loyal? faithful? honest? supportive? helpful? caring?

When do we tell a woman or man, that they are enough and it’s nothing to do with how they look? what their body shape or size is?

 

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Choose yourself

image from Pinterest

Today I went to my slimming club, I was dreading the scales because I didn’t think I’d done very well. Maybe a half pound off at the most, but fuck me sideways, 4lbs off baby!!! ***Celebratory dance***

Instantly put a smile on my face and spring in my step for the rest of my day. I had met up with two fab people for a photo shoot too and it was great to just click with people and I can’t wait to get editing.

HE was on the phone with me yesterday pretty much half his shift which made me happy. But today I’ve not heard from him. I know he’s flat out with work, I choose to let my happiness from today keep me smiling.

Such a simple task, yet we find it so hard to achieve: choose happiness!

When the asshole cuts you up on the road, shout/curse at them then play your favourite song and turn the volume up to 11.

When you rip your favourite pair of jeans, girl you got legs! Wear the damn skirt with yer favourite shoes/boots and walk like you own the catwalk!

When you feel yourself feeling that you aren’t enough, uh uh, honey, put that hand up at your reflection in the mirror and tell yourself you are a queen, straighten that crown and stand proudly before yourself. You got this.

We have to make our own happiness, why put it in the hands of others when they can drop that fragile glass globe of joy.

Find the happiness in the stupidest things.

Raining? Go outside and jump in the puddle

Music on in the house? Shake your booty

Going to bed alone? Hello 800 thread count bed sheets that you can starfish all night long baby!

Choose yourself.

Is life really supposed to be this hard?

Image from Pinterest

I sat in my Doctor’s office last year, tissues in my hand, black mascara tears streaming down my face, sobbing and the look on his face was one of no judgement.

I am a single parent, I have a child with autism, I look after my two elderly parents who now can’t drive and have their own ailments which I have to take on board while my sister lives her married life, 30 minutes away…….

I have to do daily shopping runs, medicine collections, hospital and doctor appointments, dental appointments, general every day duties for my parents, I have my own two children to look after, school and college runs, doctor and hospital appointments, college drop offs and collections.

It all lands on me while I try to build up my business because at nearly 40 I want my life back. Sounds pretty selfish right? But at some time I will have to say no. This has been on my mind now for the past two years. I’m told I’ll never succeed if I don’t try but when I do try I’m asked to do this that and the other. My sister doesn’t do anything. She takes my mum shopping once a week and that’s it. She doesn’t take them to appointments or go collect medicines, even though she visits my parents 3 times a week.

So I sat in my doctors office, sobbing my heart out and told him I thought I was going mental. I seriously did think I was going crazy. He told me …

“You can’t be everybody’s anchor and let yourself drown”

OMG! Somebody who got me!?! I am always the person who everybody goes to for help and normally I don’t mind it. They look at me as I’m the strong person. I mean I’m the single parent bringing up the kids on my own, throw in autism and I can take on the world right?

NO!!!!!!!!!

Learn to say it! NO!!!!!!!!!!!! Stop it.

You can’t give everything you have to those around you when especially at that point you need to hang on to it yourself the most. Take your hand away from the cup, pull up the anchor, close down! Shut off. Step away from the edge of the world!!!!!!!!

We can question ourselves and overthink, we can give out advice and opinions. We can help everybody and anybody but at the end of the day I find myself asking

“Who cares about me?”

When you find yourself lying in bed, crying at 2am in the morning, with only yourself there to pick yourself up, that’s who cares about you. YOURSELF.

What about that for a battle though? One half of you is like tearing your soul apart and the other half is like your spirit in armour wielding its shield for protection and a sword to fight?

I dunno about you, but I’m so fucking tired of fighting. Every day is battle and my soul is ravaged, broken and bloody. My spirit is feeling the weight of its armour and weapons.

But we replenish, we find our second (hundredth) wind and we carry on.

But is life really supposed to be this hard?

How do you replenish? How do you say no without feeling guilty, how do you stop yourself from the self pity despair? Answers on a postcard (or comment below!)

Walking disaster

Quote from Pinterest

Today I can’t stop asking myself How did my life end up like this?

When my husband cheated and we got divorced I guess on one hand I was too young to really care. He cheated, I kicked him out and then moved back to my home town. When my ex cheated I thought it was down to his issues and when my best friend walked away and left nothing but silence, confusion and anger especially after helping her through the time of hell she went through it made me wonder

“what is wrong with me?”

If everybody is always leaving, what the hell am I doing wrong? And even tho HE says we’re good, I know in my heart we’re not really. I just don’t know what I’ve done for to make him distance himself?

It has meant over the years I’ve closed off from people. But HE has made me realise just how much I kiss feeling those emotions again about somebody. How do I be brave enough to open up and see what life throws me if I’m too scared to get attached? This alone with HIM is proving I’m getting attached waaaaaaaaay too quickly over a name and a voice.

I’m such a walking disaster!

If I let people in I’ll freak out and push them away. If I let people in slightly, I’ll get attached more than I should, if I let people in I’ll be happy but then I’ll feel like my chest is being ripped open when they leave and they always fucking leave. So what am I doing wrong?

It’s so fucking frustrating!!!!

Loneliness puts it’s arm around me

With the sunshine warming up my legs which are entwined through the duvet, I wake up feeling too warm, like I can’t breathe and the air is stuffy.  My arm reaches out to other side of the bed. It’s empty. It’s always empty.

I wake up another day alone. Loneliness wraps it’s arm around me and gives me a squeeze to say “I got you”.

I go about my day, looking after the kids from school runs to college runs, potter around the house, check on my elderly parents, take them to their appointments, collect my kids and come home to make dinner, watch tv, browse online.

I don’t have friends to phone. I don’t have friends to go visit. I don’t have friends that come to my house to visit me. I am alone. Loneliness wraps it’s arm around me and tells me “I’ll sit beside you…silently”.

At night when the kids have gone to bed, I walk in to my room.  I stand and look at my bed. There’s a dent on the mattress from the side of the bed I lie on. all the time. That’s actually a sad sight, a double bed with one body dent in the mattress. It a physical reminder I am alone. Loneliness wraps it’s arm around me and says “I’ll sleep with you”

I stand there, not wanting to get into the bed. I strip my clothes off and skim my fingers up and down my arms, with my eyes closed and I tell myself, “someday, somebody will be waiting for me in my bed so they can wrap their arm around me, pull me in close and tell me “I Love you baby” and I’ll never have to worry about the arm of loneliness again”.

8 years I have been on my own. I love my kids, I really do, but I’m lonely. I’m alone in my life and it breaks my heart because I never thought I would be the person who would have ended up alone and lonely.

I guess I’d love to hear from others, who feel lonely.

so I’m gonna say,  Here’s my email. If you feel lonely, and would like someone to have a daily conversation with. Even if it’s just to come in your door and literally send an email to say “honey i’m home” so you have someone ask you “how was your day?” or if you are facing getting into bed at night on your own and want someone to talk to, a simple “how was your day? do you have anything on your mind? what would you like to get off your chest, pillow talk” …. I would love to hear from you.

You can email me at Rocketblonde5@gmail.com if you fancy it.

Let’s tell loneliness, they don’t need to put an arm around us.

x

Am I ready?

head quote

What a roller coaster of emotions lately.

So, here’s what happened. HE stopped chatting. Like, ALL communication ceased. No phone calls, No messages, no social media interaction. Nothing. I will be honest, I freaked out. I thought I’d done something wrong. Eventually I couldn’t go on. The physical pain caused by my emotions was simply brutal.

To cut a long story short, we’ve been chatting with a couple of phone calls lately and HE says he just needed to get his head cleared. Totally get that. But it made me wonder when we were talking, why am I getting so attached to him?

I know he makes me happy. It’s more than that though, he makes me feel like I was before I made all my mistakes in men. He brings out my sass and makes me smile. I guess I missed having a friend. So maybe all my emotional pain is my fault because I’ve mistaked his friendship & banter as meaning more?

We spoke about relationships and what we are wanting eventually in life, I know there will never, ever be anything between us because we’re just not in the same area so a long distance relationship would never work, I’m not what he’s looking for “looks” wise & although we talk, I can’t honestly say we know each other. It doesn’t stop my heart swelling and the butterflies going crazy when I hear his voice though. It doesn’t stop me thinking about giving him a huge hug and wanting to curl up beside him in bed and asking him about his day/night.

My head knows nothing will ever happen, so why can’t I my heart understand it and get on board that he’s just a friend?

I keep myself so closed off to people. I’m scared. I’m scared that he’s actually made me feel those emotions again and now I’m thinking, should I start to want to have someone in my life whose gonna love me??

Do I take the risk of letting someone in and getting hurt again when they leave?

If I want someone in my life, I need to work on myself first. I need to learn to love myself more than what I do. I need to take care of myself and I need to start living my life instead of just existing.

That takes so much courage after not doing it for so long I don’t know if I can, but if i’m dreaming about it, maybe that’s a sign that I am ready? God knows, I just know that I’m glad that HE and I are doing okay and I can be hopeful that we both end up happy either way.

Rejection

My gut tells me our friendship is over.

Was it ever a friendship really?

He’s totally changed towards me and it’s so not my imagination.

And I’m scared. I’m scared to mention it because of the last time. For him to be nasty like that again would totally break me especially when I’ve not done anything. So I guess this is it.

Once again I let someone in and I’m left on the side, dazed and confused as to what the fuck happened?

I thought I was getting to the point where I was good to letting people in, this isn’t even about love or looking for a boyfriend, this is about in general, a friend.

You have to take a step back and wonder “what is wrong with me? What’s with all the constant rejection?”

They say people’s behaviour says more about them than it does you but when it’s an ongoing thing….. am I a shitty person? Do I make people feel like shit? Does my personality scream bitch?

Do people not realise, even those who tell you they’ve been hurt before, how hard it is for a broken hearted person to let you in? To trust? To feel comfortable in being yourself in their company? To open your heart and let them in?

If you have made friends with somebody whose good, drops everything to be there for you, cares and worries about you, stands firmly in your corner and only wants to see you happy? Who doesn’t discuss their worries and problems, doesn’t ask for anything and you treat them like shit, ignore them for no fucking reason, then guess what, you’re the fucking asshole who doesn’t fucking deserve them!

You may hurt them, cause an extra level on the emotional walls and the cracks sealed up but all that will settle in time.

It’s why I have a Phoenix after all, I just gotta keep rising!

Hardest lesson to learn

She woke up, the light from the early morning sun brightening up her room. Hugging the duvet closer around her shoulders to hold off the cold morning air. One eye opened, her fingers scrunched across the bedsheet to find her phone.

No alerts with his name on her screen. Four days and no contact. She checked her social media like an early morning edition newspaper and threw her phone back on to the bed beside her, rolled over and fell back asleep.

Two hours later, her leg wrapped outside the duvet she awoke again. Another check on her phone told her more radio silence. She got up and went about her day. Her mind distracted. What has she done? Did she say something wrong? The fear of asking incase he hurts her like the last time? No. She would rather let him leave than have that pain.

This pain she can deal with, she can see she wasn’t anything to him but a girl on his phone. He said she meant something, he told her he loved her but obviously not, not in the way she felt for him.

The tears start to gather at the back of her eyes. She refuses to let them fall. He doesn’t deserve her love and grief. Anger and confusion.

What person just leaves another without a word? She shouldn’t be surprised, they all do it. Everybody leaves.

She feels like a stalker, checking his social media, knowing he doesn’t talk to her anymore but still follows her accounts. It would be easier if he simply blocked and ignored her on everything, then she could accept the silence.

She knew it would happen eventually. There would be silence. Either he would meet someone or he would have enough of her. She just wasn’t expecting it to hurt so much.

She woke up. She pulled her head out of the clouds. She could grieve for somebody still alive or she could thank him.

Thank him for helping her rediscover her sass.

Thank him for helping her rediscover her laugh.

Thank him for rediscovering her heart and thawing it out.

Thank him for showing her how strong she really is.

Thank him for showing her that even though she built her emotional walls so very high she is willing to remove them, brick by brick, for the right person.

So maybe that’s why he came to be part of her life’s chapter, he was there to teach her a lesson or two, and now she can let him go.

But isn’t that the hardest lesson to learn.

I have been unwell lately with man flu and the self pity train rolled in and didn’t depart. That’s never good.

I took a few minutes to myself and I looked long and hard at what’s going on between HIM and me. The answer is nothing.

He can tell me I’m a friend, he can tell me he loves me, I can romanticise it all till I’m blue in the face but the reality is this:

Things he said to me, he’s telling other women. So I’m not special.

Communication is sketchy because he’s talking to other women who share the same sense of humour. So I’m not unique.

He says he’s not judgemental, but really he is, very much so and I can’t have live a life worrying if I’d please him or not. So I’m not enough for him.

I know I offer a shoulder, I tell people to get things off their chest, but that’s all I am to him. A sounding board because there is nothing else we can talk about other than him.

But recently I’ve had other friends in touch, and I realised that I am special, I am unique, I am more than a sounding board and I am enough. I love my personality, I love my sense of humour, I love being there for my friends but it’s nice when somebody asks how are you? And really wants to know.

I love watching a person smile or laugh because I’ve made it happen, I love looking at the person whose made me laugh & I love the flirty glances and the twinkles in the eyes, I love the feeling I get from real life hugs. Aren’t they the best? You get to feel the body heat against you, feel their heart beat, hear their voice timber close to your ear and you can breathe them in.

Can’t do that with a virtual hug now can you?

I love laughter, it’s been years since I had a real good hearty fit of laughter with genuine friends. Today was full of it.

So we can talk to people inside our little phones world and think we know them, we can think we’re special to them and mean the world to them, we can lose ourselves in translation of messages, statuses and quotes posted, but we cannot be defined by who these strangers think we are.

We are not how other people see us, we are not us because of other people either, we need to love ourselves, find our own happiness and define who we are for ourselves.

Don’t be too hard on yourself, you’re doing just fine. Do not let others define who you are when you are still learning who you are, every single day.

Nobody is there. Ever!

lonely

This evening on social media, a post was up on one of the groups I follow. The person asked if they were the only one who felt like a lonely soul?

I guess we are all lonely souls. In a day and age where everyone doesn’t talk to each other than using some form of mobile device, where instant gratification is demanded and even in groups with friends, socialising, conversation and enjoying each other’s company is simply a dying art, is it any surprise then that we are hitting problems with loneliness and mental health issues.

After my divorce, I lost a lot of my friends. I know that the few that I still had left after I met my ex and had my second child. Autism has played a HUGE factor in my life in ruining friendships and social circles. When people ask you to hang out, you can’t, when you’re asked to catch up for a meal, you can’t. when you’re asked to go to the pub for an evening. you can’t. Every single time you say i’m sorry, I can’t make it. they had enough.

Nobody ever said, well if you can’t come to us, we can come to you. Nobody ever said “why don’t we babysit and you can get a night out” Nobody ever helped. So EVERYBODY left.

I got used to that. Over the years of being a single parent again I got used to my own company. When my ex and I split I said I wouldn’t let another soul get close.

I think this is part of my problem with HIM. He got in. He made me feel like I was before autism became a huge destruction in my life. HE made me laugh again. Genuinely made me laugh. Do you know, as a ASD family, how rare it is for a parent, to have something to make you laugh….. something JUST FOR YOURSELF!?! isn’t that really selfish? and fuck me, that’s just simply sad! How sad is my life that I feel selfish for having ONE fucking friend who I can honestly say I’m extremely fond of and HE makes me laugh!

Is this mother’s guilt? is that what this is? am I just being a fucking twat and feel like I have to be the martyr? I shut down. I know I did. I blocked out people, I won’t meet with people, I won’t let people get close to me again because I know I won’t cope. I won’t cope with giving my all, being everything I am, giving everything I have, loving someone with all my heart and soul for them to walk away again.

I built the walls high. I kept myself from meeting new people. I dove into social media, I created my world there. In the real life I’m mum. On my phone, I’m me. I’m free. I’m still mummy, of course I am, I wouldn’t have it any other way, but on my phone I’m the person who loves music. I love laughter, I love having a dirty fucking perverted sense of humour, I’m crass, I’m loud, I’m shy, I’m helpful, I’m caring, I’m there yet not attached.

Twice now though I’ve got talking to two guys, both have left holes in the walls. They found the cracks and little by little they broke them wider and I didn’t feel just as lonely. I didn’t feel like I wasn’t enough, I didn’t feel like I was worthless. But then, one left. He just stopped talking. Now HE will end up doing the same. I will lose him and I can say I want him to be happy, I want him to meet the love of his life, I want him to have everything he deserves and yet I want that to be with me.

It will NEVER FUCKING HAPPEN!

I am not what he wants.

I’m not anywhere close to him

neither of us could give up where we are to be closer together even if we did want to be together.

and yet even when I’m lonely,  when I don’t talk to anybody else in the day, when I’m totally alone, when he phones, I’m me. I can relax, I can laugh, he makes me happy and smile and when the phone call ends the loneliness creeps around me like a black cloak and tightens it’s grip around my arms.

Next month is G’s first year death anniversary.

I have found that I’m thinking about him a lot recently. I sat at his funeral to give my goodbyes. I listened to his friends and family talk. I saw the smiles, heard the laughter, i shared with their sadness and shed my own tears. I listened to the stories and jokes. I heard words of love. It’s made me think, who will come to my funeral? who will have any stories to tell? who will say “I wish I told her I loved her” or “I wish I made more of an effort to get in touch”… who will care?

If in life, I am not enough, I am sure that in death I will be unworthy too. Is that what G felt? Did he feel like he was incredibly lonely? was his black dog his only companion even though he was a parent, and he obviously had friends and family who loved him?

How can we have people in our lives yet feel heart breakingly alone? Why can we not tell our family and friends we feel alone in the world? is it shame? is it because we don’t want to look like we’re failures? do we not want to see pity?

 

I can’t slam social media. for the past 20 years its been a vital part of my social networking. without it, I’d totally be on my own. I have met some fantastic people because of it. some of my longest friendships are virtual ones. I love my circle deeply, but I just worry that even though I know I have friends, I’m still truly alone.

I don’t have anybody to cuddle up with, I don’t have someone come home from their work day, slap my ass, kiss my mouth while holding my face in their hands and make me go weak before they ask me how was my day. I don’t have anybody to curl up on the sofa with, while they’ve made me a cuppa and I don’t have anybody to have lazy mornings with. I don’t have anybody who will want to see me walk down the aisle towards them, I don’t have anybody who wants me to have their name. I don’t have anybody whose proud to have me, I don’t have anybody who when asked how’s life will say she’s perfect.

A person doesn’t need to have just sex for a connection. There is something to be said for the companionship, the laughter, the hand holding. the sipping a cuppa in each other’s company and not needing to say anything, just knowing they’re there. That look they give you when they see after a long hard day and you’re like a soothing balm. when they need support and encouragement and trust you to hold them when they don’t really want to ask, when they are sprawled out on the sofa totally relaxed and you can sit on the floor infront of them watching telly and you can feel their fingers slide softly over your neck and they play with your hair. When you are pulled into tight bear hugs and they sniff your neck, or they lean up against the door jam and watch you put clothes away and silently walk over to you and just give you a kiss on the forehead…. or when you are both curled up in to each other in bed, soft whispers, cheeky smiles, and tired eyes, and before you drift over you hear “night baby” and feel his kiss.

I won’t get the anniversaries. I won’t get the date nights, or the spontaneous dates and crazy couple adventures. I won’t have the couple living together shit because I’m alone. And nobody wants me.

I won’t use the excuse of the kids, I won’t even use the excuse of having autism in the family because there are plenty of single parent families out there with teenagers and autism or other forms of disabilities and they have found their soulmates. So it has to be something wrong with me.

Nobody is there for me. why? if all people have to go on is my personality I must really be shit. Because nobody loves me for me. nobody is there to say “let’s go out” nobody is there to stroke my neck and give me forehead kisses.

I am alone.

I will be alone

and I will probably die alone.

 

Isn’t self fucking pity totally shite! Like what the actual living fuck?! why can I have a whole post all fucking woe be me and I know I am good person. I love. I care. I share. I support. I laugh. I hug. I make a mean fucking cup of tea! I am a good person. I am solid. I am loyal, faithful, loving, supportive. So what the fuck is wrong with me?

This bout of self pity and woe fucking me better knock itself on the head soon because I swear, it’s shattering my fucking soul.

I always said I wasn’t depressed but it’s times like this I do fucking wonder!