Free hugs

You know the videos right? They’re always on social media.

They usually show a person standing blindfolded in the high street with their arms wide open waiting for another person to have the balls to walk up and hug them, a complete stranger. Just because!

But can you think why they’re doing it?

Is it a case of needing attention? Maybe some form of physical contact to make them feel alive? Is there a deep meaningful spiritual empowerment they receive? Or maybe they simply want to pay it forward or do they just do it for a quick hit online?

Whatever their reasons, I wonder what the reasons are for the general public to hug them? Do they feel pity? Compassion? Do they seek a physical connection in a world that is overpowered by technology and gismos?

Have people connected and made friends? Have they a story for their kids and grandkids to tell them how they met?

When we hug somebody it’s for certain reasons. To show friendship, love, support, congratulations or compassion, pity, etc. There’s the type of hugs that are a quick embrace, there’s the ones that include the patting of the back, the rubbing of the arms, the bear hug, the air hug like air kisses, the grip more tighter when you try to pull away.

The good hugs always make you feel safe, secure, happy and loved. The awkward hugs make you feel…. well just that, awkward!

As a parent I love to hug my kids. I would tell them I’m stealing a hug from them when they were younger because they had special powers; their hugs made me happy.

My daughter is now becoming a young adult. Her hugs are precious as I don’t get that many from her anymore

Autism changed my hugs with my boy though. I have to wait till my son hugs me, or now I have to ask for a hug. Add to the fact that he’s hitting puberty & it’s so not cool to hug your mum you know!

So maybe as a parent I could be the person blindfolded and ask for free hugs, embrace my kids and enjoy the big squishy hugs I would get in return.

Everybody needs that connection. Offer a hug. Don’t make it one of the awkward pity ones. Big bear hug and hold tighter for a second or two longer if they need it. Because you can’t beat a free hug.

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It’s not all doom and gloom

There are times when I get a few minutes in the day and I check my social media. As a society as a whole are we really such complainers and moaners?

I know life isn’t easy and we all have our own problems and issues to find solutions to, but do we really need to focus more on the negative side of the coin and just forget the positive?

This afternoon I was re reading some of my work blog posts and I was reminded why I love photography so much. And funnily enough I was asked yesterday if I still loved it? I do, so much. I feel there are days that life and other responsibilities take a higher priority but as a single parent I have to do it all. There is no delegation. Saying that, I am happy. I am. I know what my life would have turned out like if I had stayed in the bad relationships and I am proud of myself for removing myself and my kids out of that bad environment. I am able to look after myself, my kids and even my parents. I can meet up with friends on the rare occasion and enjoy myself.

I enjoy my own company as much as there are times I bitch about the loneliness but if I can’t enjoy my own fucking company I’m screwed aren’t I?

I can find things to laugh about. I find myself smiling at times. So it’s not all doom and gloom.

We have to find the simple pleasures in life to make it all worth while. So, I’m sorry for being a sad sack. No doubt it will get worse esp at Christmas Eve as that is my hardest day of the year but I promise there’s a few smiles between now and then. Hope you are all doing ok too. Keep smiling x

Exhausting being alone

A huge topic that hasn’t left me recently is loneliness. I have been chatting with others online and I was amazed that they are lonely.

When you follow their social media they are on trips with friends, they have nights out, there are the private conversations telling me they are single and alone. If we can be with people or stand on our own two feet and still feel incredibly lonely what the hell are we doing to ourselves? Why?

I’m told that I’m a lovely person, that I’m a gem and any guy would be lucky to have me in his corner. My friends try to make me feel better about being alone. That I am a single parent.

I have no regrets ending my relationships when they weren’t real. There was no love, honesty, trust or loyalty. I was depressed. I became withdrawn. I didn’t want to do things in my life. So I called it a day.

Am I lonely? Yes. Incredibly so. I don’t have anybody to talk about my day. I don’t have anybody to talk to full stop. Oh don’t get me wrong, I have my kids and my parents but there are some conversations I just don’t want to have with them. I miss being in a relationship. Not just sexually but the whole thing.

HE was telling me a while back about how he got his hair cut. It made me think of what I miss. That simple thing of curled up beside someone and stroking up the back of their head while watching a movie. That touch. The sensation. It’s bliss.

The simply thing of sitting in the passenger seat while he drives and you have your hand resting on his thigh. It’s there and you can feel his body heat warming through his jeans and when you move yer hand away he grabs it and places it back to where it was because he misses the heat from you.

When you’re hurt and you just want to curl up and feel looked after and he pulls you close and wraps his arms around you and when you inhale you are infused with his scent. It’s intoxicating!

But the reality is you cry your pain away, feel sorry for yourself and make a cuppa. You’re the driver and there is no body heat. There is no hair cut to play with so you twiddle your own hair around your fingers.

But still you believe. Maybe it’s how we get through the hard times. We hope. We believe we have a soulmate. We have faith that someday we will meet another human who will love us unconditionally. Yet deep down we know we’re still alone.

I talked to somebody this morning who told me they were single because “nobody wants me”

Isn’t that heartbreaking? But it’s how we can feel. I get it. I’m the girl that everybody comes to for help but nobody wants me. Nobody wants to wake up next to me. Nobody wants to hear me laugh, or tease me. Nobody wants to hold my hand or kiss my lips. Nobody wants to be with a single mum with two teenagers, deal with autism and all my shit. So if nobody wants to be with me, am I a bad person? Do my arms hug less? Does my heart love less? Does my touch cause harm? Am I less of a person for being alone?

We tell others “cheer up, the person for you is out there” we say “your soulmate is looking for you too” and we tell the clincher “if they don’t love you for who you are they aren’t the one”

Are they lies to soothe the ache tho?

Why do people not talk about being lonely? How it effects their emotional state! Is being lonely like the worst thing you can admit to?

We hear of people who have been lonely for years and years only to stumble across their soulmate and they got their happily ever after. I’m pleased for them, really. They aren’t suffering anymore.

But how can we stop suffering when it’s just ourselves? How can we pick ourselves up and carry on with optimism when it’s our own selves at the lowest point.

I look forward to the Sunday were I can roll over and kiss the man that loves me whole heartedly and make him coffee and spend time together in bed eating pancakes, but today, I just can’t see it happening.

The strong friend.

They are the one who is there for everybody else, no matter what. You can go to them with all your issues, problems, and they don’t judge you. They drop everything to help you work out your problems. They offer advice, support, opinions, a different view point, look to find a solution. They help. They give the tightest hugs. They bring the bottle of wine. They make the comfort food. They lose sleep to sit up all night with you on the phone till you can fall asleep. They drive for hours to make sure you’re ok and wipe away tears.

They make the point of checking in daily. The text messages, the phone calls, emails, the social media conversations. They connect.

They make sure you feel you have somebody in your corner.

They fight your battles along side you. They welcome you with open arms. They swing the bat having your bat. They bring the shovel to bury the demons.

They have you.

They make sure you know you are not alone.

They care.

 

 

But when YOU are the strong friend. You are everybody’s person. Why? Because you know first hand what it is like not to have anybody. You deal. You kick ass. You find the solutions. But do you ever stop and wonder who the fuck is there for you?

Who sends you the text messages to say “how are you today?”

Who take the 5 minutes out of the day to dial your number and say “Hi, Just checkin’ in”

Who sends you the email to say ” Hi, Just was thinking of you and thought I’d send you a message!”

when something goes wrong. when you get hurt, when you’re struggling. who is there for you?

The problem with being the strong friend is that you teach people you are ok. you cope. you don’t need anybody. when all reality is completely different. you need to have someone in your corner. you need the tight hugs, you need the messages to say you’re important, you’re thought of. you lose yourself being the strong one. people come to you you help them, they get sorted and then they leave. you’re on your own again.

I’m a strong friend. I wouldn’t change it. I know what it’s like to sit at the edge of your bed, blow drying your hair while you sob your heart out. I know what it’s like curling up in bed at night with a pillow, hugging it as if it’s got body heat and a heart beat. I know what it’s like wanting to have someone at the end of the day to tell your thoughts to. I know what it’s like to want to hear the simple words “hunny, i’m home”..

yet we still stay strong. we want to at least give that love, attention and feeling to someone else so they don’t feel the loneliness  like we do. that’s our gift and torture.

so if you have a strong friend, make sure they’re not losing themselves. make sure they know you appreciate them, they are loved, give them a hug, hold their hand, listen to them. help them to open up because the strong ones are always helping others to open up and keeping themselves quiet. when you ask them if they are ok and they say i’m fine, i’m ok or i’m alright, don’t believe them. they may just be finding it hard to open up, to let their feelings out, tell them it’s ok. treat them the same way they have for you. let them know they aren’t invisible. let them know you see them. truly. let them know.

 

Lost Communication

What do you do when you find you have lost your way of communicating?

I was out for a walk yesterday with my daughter and of course, we were talking about men. When she was telling me about the guy she’s interested in, I was giving my advice and she asked me outright

“Do you find it hard to open up to people because you’ve had to deal with everything yourself for so long so you don’t know how to open up to others or is a trust thing?”

honestly, my reply immediately was “it’s a trust thing” but replaying our conversation in my mind last night I realised actually it’s both.

HE talks to me all the time. He is able to tell me what’s on his mind, what he’s thinking, what issues he’s got at work etc but when he asks how I am, my reply is automatic. “I’m fine” or “I’m good” or “I’ve nowt to complain about, but if I did nobody would listen anyway”… his reply to that last statement tho was “I’ll listen”.

Is this why we find ourselves so lonely? We can’t communicate. We don’t want to burden people.

Is it pride?

I know I could waffle on for ages at times about what’s floating about in my head but I can’t tell anybody. I don’t want to come across as desperate, depressed, attention seeking, I don’t want judged over what i think, what problems I have, so for me, it’s easier to be there for everybody else and help them. In the meantime, I can jump on here and vent away till the cows come home and if you guys read it (which I know a few do, so thank you!) then that’s great, maybe you’ll feel like dropping a comment or an email to say “ME TOO!” or you can just sit there and think “there she goes off on one again, does all she ever do is complain!?!” (answer to that is no, not really, just every now and then 🙂 lol)

When we browse social media, and we see people complaining or having a bit of a bitch fit online, do we say good for them for getting that off their chest and throwing into the universe or do we all say stop airing your dirty laundry for the world to read! Can we only communicate now if we have a phone or tablet or whatever you use as your phantom limb to be online, to update our statuses, tweet the inner thoughts, photograph the mundane or worse still, fake it, trying to be good. Why do we find it so hard to say hello to people face to face?

Is communicating in person a lost art and if feeling lonely causes emotional pain, and emotional pain is reflected in physical pain, why do we do it?  It’s something that I want to look into further for sure and especially think it would make a very interesting photo series. The clogs are turning.

I would love to know how YOU guys feel about communicating with others. Do you struggle to communicate in person? Do you prefer to talk online, if so why? Do you find yourself lonely (either because you’re physically alone or in a bad/wrong relationship, single parent like me, or other reasons) I would LOVE to read your stories so I invite you to communicate with me! Either drop me a comment below or email (all info is always private!!) me at Rocketblonde5@gmail.com

Laters LB x

Help: Can a vegan diet help with ovarian cysts?

My friends keep coming to me with their issues, I welcome them because I know what it’s like to need to get something off your chest and needing somebody there to listen. I keep telling them they can’t find answers to their issues if they don’t make any changes and today I realised I am so fucking tired of feeling like shit. I’m tired of being run down all the time, I’m tired of trying to find the answers with the same thoughts that I’ve used to create the issues. It’s time I do something I rarely do. I am asking for help.

So guys, it’s #NationalVeganAwarenessDay today and I’ve been on twitter and seeing all the posts about reducing animal cruelty etc etc. So my next sentence is gonna sound so incredibly selfish and PLEASE do NOT hate on me for it sounding so bad….. but…. I’m looking into the diet more so for my own health reasons.

The gist of things are:

I’m due to have a hysterectomy. I have ovarian cysts and I’m not fancying the idea of having to have to take hormone treatments or any other kinda medicine if I can get away with it. So here is my question….

Would any females please let me know your experiences of having ovarian cysts and if you found a vegan diet helped? I would love to hear your stories and maybe I could fire you some questions because honestly, I haven’t got a freakin’ clue!

If you can help a girl out, please email me at rocketblonde5@gmail.com

Thanks so much

LB x

 

 

I made my list.

I sat down with a piece of paper and pen.
I wanted to write down inspirations for portraits & the lid never came off the pen.
The paper stayed blanked.
It wasn’t that my mind was empty. I didn’t have writers block. It wasn’t that I didn’t have any ideas. I just couldn’t find the words to write to express my creative thoughts. My mind recently has been full of everything and I just wanted to have the world stop so I could get off! Do you ever get like that?
Our moods & emotions all very much influence our work. How well we produce a service. How we go about motivating ourselves. How we interact with a client. How we do the job, how we edit an image & how we deliver an end result. So when all you want to do is curl up in a room, with Grey’s Anatomy reruns and a never ending supply of tea, how do we motivate ourselves in times of being glum.
I looked down at the pen and paper and instead of writing down what I wanted to have as inspiration for portrait work, I wrote down what was in my head. What was bothering me. no matter how silly or small the issue, if it was niggling me it was to be on that list.
Do you know what happened?
The pen lid didn’t stay on & the paper didn’t stay blank.
Now, you’re probably thinking, why is this photographer telling us she’s been feeling like crap, we don’t care. But here’s the thing. I’m telling you because as a single parent, working my butt off to create a business that can sustain a life for me, my two children and our dog, while taking care of everybody else, run a house, do the school runs for dropping off forgotten items, taking my eldest to college and bringing her home again, food shopping, doctor appointments, dental appointments, fitting in Autism training too and everything else we do in life, there comes a point where you put everybody else as a priority and not yourself. It becomes overpowering, you become stressed and tired. Give me a Amen! if you’re the same. And if you’re also like me, the biggest cup you have filled with tea or coffee just isn’t helping, then you need to take a step back and regroup. So you’re not alone. I’ll give you a dreary high five and say yes! I’m exhausted with life too. Recently I have found myself sitting down at the end of the day and the leaky eyes start. It’s perfectly ok not to be ok.
So I made my list.
I have written down every single thing that has bothered me recently.
I have written down every single niggle and nudge that has got on my nerves
I have written down every single issue that is causing my stress levels to shoot through the roof.
Then I reread that list. I asked myself these questions:
A) IS IT IMPORTANT?
B) WILL IT EFFECT ME IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS
C) CAN I CHANGE ANYTHING TO MAKE IT BETTER
D) CAN I FIND A SOLUTION TO THE ISSUE
Is it important? may sound like a daft question but it’s one that is ironically important. if you are worrying over something that isn’t important. that has no effect on your life over the coming months or forever why let it get to you.
Will it effect me in the next 12 months? A lot can happen in a short period of time. It can lead to a knock on effect throughout your life.  If you have something that is on your mind and it will NOT have an effect on your life in the next 12 months. let it go. If it will then lets find the solution
Can I change anything to make it better? Of course you can. You make choices every day. You need to look at your options and decide what is the best choice you can make. if you can change something,  make the change. if you don’t, you can’t say you tried right?
Can i find a solution for the issue? There is always an answer to a question. If there is no immediate solution to a problem, get yer brain into gear and let’s get creative to figure something out. even if it’s just a temporary fix, it will give you time then to work out a better solution.
So if you’re like me, and things have been piling up. Firstly, and remember this is important. It’s ok to cry and break down. It’s how you pick yourself back up and carry on that’s important. If you need to talk to someone, do it. The more we bottle things up the harder we find a solution. And it’s fucking lonely and hard to do things on your own. I get it! Sometimes we don’t have anybody else. Be strong for yourself. And if you’s ever feel like you just want to get things off your chest, that somebody knows, you can email me. Just let it all out, get it off your chest and if you would like my opinion just ask. a problem shared is a problem halved right.
LB x

I think it’s a terrible thing

I think it’s a terrible thing to go through life with nobody to share it with you. To have a heart that is so full of  kindness, loyalty, compassion, support and love and not have another person to give that to. I think it’s a terrible thing to go through life and breathe, but not live. To experience each day and at the end of it crawl into an empty bed and not be able to have a conversation with someone about how your day went. I think it’s a terrible thing to have lips that will not kiss anybody, fingers which will not touch another person, legs which you can’t entwine with another. Hands to hold someone else’s hands as you walk together, I think its a terrible thing not have someone to share your moments with, be a proud moment of your child, to hear another person laugh, to support another person when they are going through a hard time or simply not to have somebody give you a hug when you need it the most.

I think it’s a terrible thing to be lonely. To go through life alone and not be happy. I think it’s a terrible thing when you find a person you like and they don’t feel the same way. I think it’s a terrible thing to have the weight of the world on your shoulders and not have anybody to help share the load. I think it’s terrible thing to feel your heart breaking inside your chest and feel the tears slide down your cheeks and you don’t have a king to steady you, as his queen.

I think it’s terrible to be alone.

And there’s nothing I can do to change it. Nobody cares.

Dreams. gah!

There’s a knock on the front door. I walked to open it with an item of laundry in my hand. I open the door and say hi, it’s him, but I don’t wait, I turn to walk back to the laundry. He grabs both my arms and swings me around, pushes me up against the livingroom door and kisses me. It’s not one of those peck the cheek or gentle brush of the lips kinda kiss, it’s the full on, hard, lips mashing, spine tingling, knee weakening, pulse racing kind of kisses. my heart beat is beating so loud in my ear, the sting on my lips when he pulls away, the touch of cold air after his body heat and the smile that slowly spreads across my face from one side to the other, I want more. I reach forward and I wake up.

I fucking wake up!!!

I wake up to my nose tingling, my lips feeling swollen and bruised, heat on my arms where his hands had a grip on me, goosebumps all over. yet I wake up and I am alone.

It was all a dream.

When I speak to HIM on the phone, we talk about what he wants in a relationship. I’m totally fucking friend zoned and although my head and gut know that’s all we would ever be, my heart, it’s a dragging it’s ass to catch up. So when we’re talking about relationships, he’s what I want, yet not what I want. I want more.

HE has an idea of his perfect woman. I couldn’t be any more further away from that than what I already am.  He’s got traits I love & yet I know he would never accept me for me.

As I’m typing and trying to clear my head before bed, the rain is falling outside and normally this would soothe me but tonight, my emotions just want to cry with the sky.

Am I only ever gonna get what I want in a dream?

We all judge, but we need to stop

This week has seen me focusing heavily on my business. I have to ask myself “who is my dream client”? Who do I want to say I would love to work with? In one sense, I am very lucky that I can say I love people who I vibe with. That’s what’s important to me. Not how they look. not for me to say you can only stand in front of me if you are beautiful looking person. I mean, C’mon, that’s just being insane right?

So I thought about women. I am a woman. I thought about the pressure we have as females. Fuck me there is a lot! We get it in the neck by magazines, beauty features, culture and from every angle of society that women need to be beautiful. women have to look a certain way. women need to dress a certain way or how we are labelled by the clothing style we were. What make up we should use, how to use it, our bodies need to be a certain size, shape, we need a fucking thigh gap, we need perfectly white teeth, we need a perma fucking tan, we need to be women with long hair (as my teenage daughter informed me the other week because the “guy’s like to have something to hold on to!”) What the actual fuck!?!

Then we meet the people who judge. These people criticize every single morsel of how you look, dress, smell, complete your business, your job, your friendships, where you eat, what you eat, what you drink, how you make the drink, how you interact with others, how you think of yourself (God forbid you have any shred of confidence or are happy with your body no matter what, these people want to annihilate you!) They judge every move, including their own but wait!!…. they won’t tell you they find anything wrong with themselves, because in their eyes, the flaws they see in you, make them feel better. It doesn’t matter that the flaws they see, are a reflection of their own. heaven’s forbid!

Then we have the people who say, they don’t judge. They accept everybody for warts and all. C’mere till I tell you something…. are you listening carefully… THEY LIE!

These people tell you what you want to hear, they won’t judge, they accept everybody but they do judge, they say fat people are disgusting, they say call people from a different culture names, they judge you on what you eat, they don’t understand why somebody who puts themselves out there and creates something for themselves can have whatever they reap because this person whose doing the same job but not putting the same amount of effort in isn’t getting the same results. They judge you on parenting skills, people skills, driving skills (we’ll not go there!) and so much more, but wait, it’s ok, it all makes perfect sense because they tell you they don’t judge people.

Then you get the genuine people. The people who are genuinely happy for your success, they support you in the hard times, they encourage you through the dark times and they share your laughter in the great times. These people judge you too, don’t get me wrong, but they don’t judge you on how you look, they don’t judge you on your skills or talents. They don’t even judge you when you make horrendous mistakes and just want the world to stop so you can get off. These people judge you on whether you are a good person. They judge you on your kindness, compassion, morals, they judge you on knowing good from bad, right from wrong, they judge you on how well you support and love others, They don’t care how you put make up on. They don’t care if you’re a size 32 or 6, they don’t judge you if you are in a high paying job or work in the local corner shop, they don’t judge you if you can’t always make a night out because you can’t get the kids minded.

Everyone is entitled to an opinion. The world would be a boring place otherwise, but remember at the end of the day, Words can make somebody’s day or they can shatter a life in seconds. You cannot take them back. You can be the person that says “they can judge me all they want, I don’t care” and maybe you are one of the people that’s true for, but humans do care, they want to be accepted, they want a friendship, they want to be loved. We do not have the right to judge a person. To call them names, to project our fears and insecurities onto them,  it’s rude, it’s belittling, it’s nasty. Stop Judging!