I can feel it breaking


I knew we were just friends. I tried to convince myself that I’d rather him in my life as a friend than not have him in my life at all. He told me that he didn’t feel anything for me. I told me that when he meets somebody we can still talk because there’s nothing between us.

I accepted that.

And yet when he tells me about the women he meets, gets talking to, asks out for a date, I get jealous. But this recent one, the girl he works with, she’s stunning. she’s on his doorstep and I’ve got no chance.

He seems to really like her. I’m now becoming a second thought. So, I done what every female done. I broke. I curled up and let all pain roll down my cheeks with heavy fat sobs. I’ve cried that much I’ve a sore head, I feel ill and I’m exhausted.

It’s not very often we find a person who can remind us of who we are before life turned shit. It’s not very often we find someone who makes us feel like it’s perfectly ok to be real. be ourselves. That we aren’t conscious of what we think are our flaws, from a too loud laugh, how we talk, what we say, how we feel, it’s all open, it’s honest.

Whoever he ends up with, I hope they cherish the guy that he is. I hope they get turned on by his laughter. They fall in love with his sleepy voice. They feel worshipped. I’ll always have how he made me laugh and made me feel like me again. That’s priceless.

He’s not mine to loose but my heart is breaking wide open anyway.

All the butterflies are dying painfully.

But our hearts mend right, maybe never perfectly, but they’ll continue to beat stronger.

I just need to let go.


Single parenthood


There are times when I miss being in a relationship. It’s not about the sex (ok, it’s not JUST about the sex) but the other ways to connect to a person. I miss waking up in the morning and starting my day off with snuggles and kisses behind my ear with my guy pulling me in closer to his chest. I miss the sleepy morning voices waking up and talking about what our day holds. I miss wrapping my legs and arms around a guy and telling him “5 more minutes” just so I can breathe him in and I miss the growl of contentment just before it changes to a growl of annoyance cause the snooze button’s went off again.

I miss the holding hands and bum slaps, I miss hearing his laughter linger loudly as his kiss can still be felt on my lips as he walks out the door. I miss coming home to somebody. I miss being able to walk towards my guy and see that he’s had a really hard day and just give him a hug and say hi. I miss the tracing of my fingers over his back while he’s concentrating on something or while he washes the dishes and I dry. I miss finding out what his day had in store for him and telling him about mine. I miss being able to vent to someone and tell them I don’t need help or anything fixed, and them know I just need to offload and I can trust them with my emotions.

I miss seeing my kids with a father figure. To know that feeling of a daddy wrapping his arms around their bodies and holding them till they can breathe in calm. I miss it. HIM. THEE GUY. and the saddest thing above it all, is that I know I won’t ever experience it. I won’t have it in my life.

But here’s what I love….

  • I love when my two teenagers bombard me in my bed and make me laugh.
  • I love being able to have a problem and know I can figure out a solution.. it may just take me a bit longer to do it.
  • I love being able to close my front door at night and know my children are not in a family where they hide in their rooms because I’m arguing with “dad”.
  • I love that I can double the love and I get double the pride when the kids knock life outta the park.
  • I love the hugs my daughter gives me
  • I love the forehead kisses my son gives me
  • I love that I don’t feel like I have to walk on eggshells not knowing what “mood” was going to walk through the door.
  • I love that I don’t have football on my telly!
  • I love that I fight for my kids, be it from medical personnel to the education board. This mamma’s a bear when needs to be.
  • I love that I have my independence.
  • I love that I can give myself toe curling orgasms and catch my own damn breath

I may not have the social life I always envisioned I’d have and social media is my gateway to adult conversation without having to leave the house, because I can’t.  It annoys me though that guys seem to think that because I’m a single parent and I’m a mum, that I seem to use social media to get dick.

Am I alone in this ???

If I wanted to see dick pics I’d watch porn. If I wanted to meet up for sex I’d go pull a guy in a bar. If I wanted to be dominated and controlled I’d find myself a dom!

Why do people think that because you’re single, you’re automatically desperate for some action when you are online?

Can’t a girl just meet new people on social media and talk, simply enjoy the conversation and have a laugh?

At times I wonder is it me? is it because I have a dirty mind I can turn a normal conversation in to that one you don’t want your parents to read? Is it because I like to laugh so guys think you’re flirting to get laid rather than that’s just who you are?

And then what happens when you do meet the guy you really click with and he’s nowhere near you and you just have social media and phone calls and emails and you know you’re never going to meet so you feel your heart breaking knowing that at some point you’re going to loose your friendship because he’s going to meet someone closer to him and they’re going to live an amazing life together and you’re still alone. Without him.

When I get to that part, and self pity kicks in, I get so angry with myself because I’m supposed to be stronger than that. I’m not supposed to get attached. I’m the person everyone comes to, to get advice and feel better about themselves before they leave and find someone else

But I am not weak. I am but only human. I can make mistakes as I would if I was in a relationship or still single. I can break down and feel the world on my shoulders. I can pick myself up and stand with my spine straight too. I can cry myself to sleep at night and wake up the next day with red puffy eyes and still put on my mascara and take on the day ahead.

I can fight and argue with everyone, both in the real world and online, I can say sorry when I make a mistake and I can fight my corner when I know I am right and didn’t do wrong. I can clothe my kids, feed them. Provide a warm roof over their heads and get them an education. I can take them to their social events and being them back and keep them safe. I can do that. I can do all that while still looking after everybody else and not lose my head.

I can do that.

I can look after people when they are ill. I can offer a shoulder for support for them to have somebody in their corner while I’m in the middle of cooking dinner and washing dishes while waiting for the kids to get a bath and feed the dog. I can do the mulitasking.

I can be mum. I can be dad. I can be them both at the same time. it’s not fucking easy but I can do it!

I can do with autism thrown in the mix.

I can do it with the fear of cancer and biopsy’s thrown in the mix

I can do it with two elderly parents who need looked after too thrown in the mix

So when I go online and I start to talk to somebody, I don’t need a man to tell me he’s looking for love and wants to know more about me, especially if he’s from another country, because for once, YOU have to be better than ME!

and there’s not too many who have the balls big enough to take me on.

So while I can dream of the lovely guy in the lovely relationship, as much as I want REAL and not PERFECT, they are both the same difference and I’ll not get either.

There’s a meme that says

“Don’t shower me with money, I can finance myself. Shower me with loyalty instead”

Amen to that.

Now that’s this single’s parents dream, along with being the little spoon!





Do you ever get the blues? But it’s like you can physically feel the hurt inside your chest, like you can literally feel your heart breaking?

Today I am having it hard. I miss HIM. We don’t get to talk as much and I know he’s talking to other girls whose closer to him and who he has more in common with but he made me feel like me again and now I’m going to have to find a way to get that feeling for myself without him because he’s getting closer to the day when he’s gonna meet somebody and I’ll be forgotten.

It hurts.

I’m sad

I want the pain to stop.

How can I love somebody who was never mine in the first place

stuck in slumber

I didn’t want to move. Lying in bed I was in that spot, you know, the comfy warm spot and if you move an inch the rest of the bed is cold. I could hear his low laughter when he tried to move me and I resisted. I told him to stop laughing at me. There’s that low laughter again. Ass!

I could feel the dip in the mattress. he’s got up without me. he’s such a babe. letting me lie on for a while. my breathing evening out again as slumber pulls me under.

I can smell him. the mixture of his skin, his aftershave and soap, him. it’s my favourite smell. he makes me feel safe and secure, when I smell him I know he’ll be close by and keep an eye out for me. It’s not that he doesn’t think I can’t, he knows I’m more than capable to looking after myself but it’s because he wants to. I feel his fingers sliding faintly along my arm, he’s pulling me out of my sleep again slowly. I can feel the dip of the mattress as he’s lying down behind me.

He pulls my hair away from my neck. oh the tease, he knows that’s my weak spot. the feel of his warm breath just blowing gently along my skin. Can he see the goosebumps rising up? he knows though, his cheeky chappy snigger is close to my ear as he feels the goosebumps rise under his lips as he brushes them softly over my neck and around to my ear. I just want him to move his hand, tuck it under my arm so it’s up along my chest, my breast in his calloused hand as he licks and kisses around my neck and ear, sending those delicious chills down my spine.

I can’t wake up though, i’m caught in the bubble of in between. I’m not sleeping but i’m not awake either. I can feel my body react to his touch, his smell. he knows his laughter to me is a turn on. I want to turn over, face him and slowly move my fingers over his face, trace my fingernails softly along his stubble from his ears down along his jaw line to his chin, walking my fingers to his lips and wanting to lean in kiss him slowly. taste his mouth.

I want to throw my leg over his hip and tuck my ankle in between his legs. entwined together. body heat flowing and I would care less about the cold spot in the bed.

I move my arm behind me and reach for him. I can’t feel him.  I run my hand down along the edge of my own body and the bed is cold.

Immediately I wake up and slowly roll over to face where I long for him to be.

I’m alone and he was never there, but the dream, he’s so real.

Every time, he’s so real.

I’ll break my own heart longing for him. we’ll never be, but he’s who I want.

Attraction & being ready

I know where I stand with HIM, I really do, I’m the girl he can speak to on the phone and have a laugh, or tell me what’s on his mind and think things through with. We’re friends, that’s it, and honestly? I’m very happy that we are.

But (there’s always a but right??) I do like him. I love the sound of his laugh. it’s rich and hearty and makes me smile even more. I love his sleepy voice, it’s raspy and gives me goosebumps. I like the shape of his mouth & when he has a little gruff around his jawline, I like his eyes which I can only imagine get so much darker when he’s turned on. I love the dip in his collarbones and I love his tattoo (obviously) His fun line and the fact that his hands are sooo much bigger than mine. He gives you the impression he would wrap you up in his arms he’d protect you from the world but with both our dirty minds there would definitely be nothing vanilla.

When he tells  me he’s talking to other women my tummy drops. I’ll be honest, I get jealous, I have absolutely no need to, he doesn’t feel anything for me, he wants to meet someone and settle down and I’m sooooo not what he’s wanting, I guess as much as I’d like to meet someone too and we hit it off, he’s only ever gonna be a friend.

My walls have been up for so long now, I’ve locked my life behind them and used them as an excuse to never want to meet somebody. Guys have chatted and we have had a laugh but I never got the connection. no click. was that because I didn’t want to put myself out there? I’m 39 soon and I don’t want to live my life on my own.

Maybe HE has taught me that I’m ready to possibly put myself out there. I just need to take this time and get myself healthy, get the business finally up and running and then, we’ll see what happens.

I hope for both our sakes, we find the happiness we want but can still be friends.

HE’s one that I definitely don’t want to lose.


laughter is good for the soul


Last year went out on good terms. When I look back at the laughter I had I want to have more of that this year.  I’m also focusing more on the work side of things. With my birthday this month i’m using it as a goal. 52 weeks to build my clients and business. and my final goal is to finally focus on loving me. I cannot give others the ability to crush my spirits. I’m too stubborn for that shite.

So let’s see what happens, what connections are made and how many good times are clocked over the next lot of months.

what are you hoping for in 2018. Comment and let me know x



So we can kiss goodbye to 2017.

What did your year teach you or inspire you to take into 2018?

I wish you all a very Happy New Year. I hope you got to spend it with your loved ones, friends or those closest to you. If you spent it on your own, I send you a virtual hug for the new year celebrations and I wish that your months ahead are filled with deep belly laughs, great tasting food, washed down with thirst quenching drinks, that you have clean clothes to wear, a warm bed to sleep in, a safe home to have shelter within. I wish you many great conversations with people, I hope you dance like nobody’s watching, sing louder, smile at everybody and cheer up their day and let’s have an amazing year! Mm’Kay xx

A reflection

A reflection of the year and a soul searching journey of myself.

2017 was a tough year of self acceptance, pulling my head out of my arse and not hugging on to denial. It was a year of many, many questions about me, life, people, and the answers i’ve learnt where not what I was expecting.

This year I’ve changed. I changed my appearance and I added to my tattoo collection. I found my inner teen who was determined in life to be a strong independent woman and deal with what life threw my way. I’d locked my emotions away in a Pandora’s box in the deepest darkest part of my mind and this year the lid was blew off it completely. Nothing stayed inside and it really screwed with my head, emotions and life.

I discovered that during my hardest times I was strong enough to get through them, even when I thought I was on my own. But I also learnt that I didn’t need to be alone, I just had to swallow my pride and ask for help. I learnt that it is totally acceptable to not be ok. We are all just human after all.  As I tell others, Don’t aim to be perfect. it’s boring. be real. be flawed and be awesome while knowing perfection is fake.

I dealt with death, loneliness, unreciprocated emotions. I felt that I didn’t have a life.

I felt invisible.

yet looking back over the year I saw how many times people checked in with me, how many times I was asked if I was ok. How many times people got in touch because I am their friend. I also learnt that I can now count on one hand, how many people are genuine with me, and that was interesting, because it was interesting to learn it was with people who I wouldn’t have expected it from and those that I would have expected didn’t bother with me.  The circle has changed, evolved. Just like life.

I also learnt who I am, what I believe in, what i stand for, what I agree with, what I’ve no interest in, who I want to become still, the type of person I would want to spend my life with, what I dreamt of before has changed, because I have changed too.

I have learnt that although I can offer the world a shoulder to cry on, I don’t necessarily need to. I cannot save the world, I cannot take on everybody’s problems because then I can’t deal with my own and I need to deal with my own shit. I cannot be the anchor and let myself drown.


I learnt this year after, give or take, nearly 1000 phone calls and nearly as many messages with HIM, HE was a godsend I didn’t realise I needed. HE taught me that I can have feelings again for a bloke and want to edge closer to removing the walls I’ve built up around me emotionally over the years. He made me genuinely laugh, in fact, there were times HE made me laugh so hard I couldn’t breathe, my cheeks were sore and my sides ached. That kinda pure happiness, it’s priceless. HE’s became such an important part of my daily life. If we never amount to anything else but friends, I honestly think i can live with that. He’s one of those people who don’t see the diamond they really are and that’s priceless. HE can be himself with me and I remembered who I am with him. What more could a girl ask for!

2018 will see more of the soul searching. as we grow and evolve I am now curious to see what happens over the next 12 months. With a more committed and determination approach to keeping a record, not just when I want to get things off my chest. It will be interesting to see what happens in my last year of my 30’s before a new adventure of my 40’s begins….

you ready for me?

LB x

My heart aches

Why do good people get shat on and yet those with a bad heart get away with whatever it wants. It sucks so badly!

At the beginning of this year my long time friend had his birthday. He turned 50. You’d think he’d have been celebrating with his family and friends? but no, we found out a week later that he had suffered a horrendous stroke. The good news is, he survived it!

After his partner informed us what had happened, she also told us that he’d taken a second stroke in the middle of his surgery to help from the first. But he is still with us.

For weeks his partner was keeping us updated on his progress, the setbacks and finally months later I get my messages from him. This makes me sooooo freakin’ happy! But recently he’s told me he’s now suffering with brain seizures.

How scary must that be, on top of all the set backs he’s had, he made progress throughout the year and now he’s back to square one. With my message from him the other night to tell me what’s going on, I went to bed in floods of tears. I’ve lost too many friends over the years, my heart aches when I see a message from him cuz I don’t know what to expect I guess, is it good news, or bad, or will there come a day when heaven’s forbid I get a message from his partner with the worst news ever. I can’t deal with that. I wouldn’t be close enough to say my goodbyes. When Les died I couldn’t say goodbye personally and it crushed me.

I guess all we can do is tell the people who are important to us exactly that, they are important, we love them dearly and they are awesome so they have to keep fighting, don’t let life break their spirit, breakin’ their body is bad enough, but it can heal.

If you love someone and haven’t told them, do it, what the hell are you waiting for? Life’s too fucking short to worry about what people may think, grab them and let them know, it may be the one thing that helps them battle on.

Trusting your gut

trust your instinct

When it comes to other people I can spot the pitfalls immediately. When a friend’s new guy just is sending out the wrong vibes and you know he’s a creeper or worse, or when your daughter’s boyfriend starts to become a little bit too possessive and his inner wanker self reveals himself. I’m person that can see EVERYBODY else’s problems and find them a solution. But! When it comes to myself? I’m such a fuckin’ doofus! Like I’m totally clueless.

I’m an Aquarius right, so I’m very much a lover of my space, I keep my circle of people extremely small but to them I’m very, very, very extremely loyal and i’m very open minded, I do not judge, I accept all and I give all respect! UNLESS you give me the vibes that you’re simply a dick! Then my defences go up. Like Fort fucking Knocks!! Good luck scaling those walls baby!

So when I let people in, I do so by trusting my gut. the vibe, the universe! whatever right. I find women are sooooo fuckin’ bitchy, I’ve only a handful of genuine female friends that I could count on one hand. The rest of my circle are guys.  I’m a tomboy. The only thing girly about me is that I’ve a vagina and boobs! I’m not into skirts, I don’t like dresses, I’ve only a couple of pairs of heels and even then most of them are boots. I don’t wear perfume & the only make up I wear is mascara so I can look like I’ve actually got eye lashes and if I’m going out somewhere the only “dolled up” look I have is eye shadow is included with a little lip gloss. I am so not high maintenance. I’m a trainers kinda girl, I love my jeans, I don’t like my clothes to have sparkles or sequins covering them. In fact I would say that my brain is more masculine than feminine. Don’t get me wrong, I can be very ladylike, polite and well mannered when I need to be, I can dress up when it is required (tho thankfully not that often) and I can wear colours other than black.  I can accept who I am.

It’s finding others who accept you that is the hard part. Not even in terms of a relationship, (that drought isn’t gonna be over any time soon!) but just as friends.  Sometimes tho, I find friendships are more important and soooo much more valuable than a relationship because they can end, but a friendship is supposed to last for years right? I know they say that people come into your life to teach you something, but fuck it, when do I get the friend who comes into my life and wants to fucking stay there? Is it because I find it hard to discuss myself, my insecurities? I can talk about overdosing at 14 years old. I can talk about being divorced and becoming a single parent at 21, I can talk about my ex partner cheating on me for 6 months and driving me into a depression. I can talk about all this. But I find it hard to talk to people about the now, what’s in the present. I know that. I’m closed off.  Maybe that’s because the walls have been too high for too long and although I’m keeping the threat out, I’m doing more harm than good because I feel that when I open up about me, in the present, people will leave. It’s easier to talk about them. Help them. Be there for them. Maybe I’m not as strong as I’d like to think I am. This drives me batty!!!

It opens up a door of self pity and I fucking detest it. I hate the feeling of being that way. Don’t get me wrong, we all need times to wallow and mourn whatever we lose, but you pick yourself back up and get stand firm on your feet and you learn from that experience and try to be stronger so it doesn’t happen again. NO? YES? I feel like I’m losing the fucking plot! Am I alone in this?

So if my situation was a friend I know what I would tell her. I know the advice I would give her, I would be making the tick off fucking sheet for her to mark when she achieved the goals set but for myself…. I CANNOT DO IT! and then I get angry at myself, then I feel sorry for myself, then I laugh at the whole situation and think I’m such a fucking twat for being this way and then the thinking goes off on a totally different tangent and then one issue becomes multiple and if you’re anything like me, you can find a way to link the most random issues together to make it one huge fucking problem that you have totally over thought, blew out of proportion and even though your brain, heart and soul can tell you you’re being a dick, you still wallow!!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ALL ABOUT???????

I find myself going back through all the issues, stripping them down to a list, making them individual again and taking one at the time I ask myself “What does my gut tell me?”…. Then I cry. I make tea, which is half drunk and I find I’ve circled back to not having a fucking clue….

I think I just need to disconnect for a while. Throw myself into something that’s not to do with friends. it’s not that i’m turning my back on them. If they need me, they’ll know I’ll be there for them, but maybe I need to show myself the same intense dedication that I give others. Maybe I need to just love who I am with the love I give others, Maybe I need to look at the phoenix tattoo and remind myself of who I am, what I do, what I believe in, what I offer and know I’m fucking awesome, I’m a great friend, I’m a great mom, I’m a great person! I can love my greatness and let it be enough for me. Believe in myself. Push myself out of my comfort zone, live. For me. Trust my gut and become better for me. Trust my gut and walk away from whatever doesn’t give me peace. Trust my gut that the lessons are learnt. Just simply Trust My Gut!