For a year & a half, I’ve been talking to HIM nearly every single day. It’s not a 5 minute phone call either, we are on the phone for hours. We talk about the most random things and we laugh a lot. I have gotten used to having those phone calls and I’ll be honest, I cherish every single one. It’s kinda scary though because when he does eventually stop chatting with me, the loneliness is going to cripple me. Even thinking about not hearing his voice causes my heart to ache. As much as I’m attracted to him, he’s my best friend.
HE will never know how much I appreciate what he’s done for me, making me see things in a way that I didn’t think I would ever again, emotions I thought I had locked down are rising and slowly leaking back into the head and heart.
I was asked the other day by a fellow tweeter how was single when I was such a nice person? She’s getting over an emotional abusive relationship herself so we’ve kinda clicked and talk about our own experiences and feelings. It’s strange, I can talk to her and she get’s me. But when HE asks me how I am, he get’s the automatic reply of “i’m fine”. I don’t know if it’s because I really can’t talk to HIM about HIM lol or if she just get’s me and understands my fear. But this quote pretty well sum’s me up.
So, how do we get over this? How do I learn to drop the knife and let people in?
Being a person that loves to chat, get to know people, communicate, I’m a hypocrite. I’ll be the first to admit it. Online I’m me. I can be open and talk because I’m safe. Nobody can see me, nobody can judge me to my face and I can deal with rejection when it’s not personal. But then that connection you build with someone becomes personal doesn’t it?
When we let people in. when we crack our walls slightly and let in the light, we’re not used to the warmth. Stepping out of the shadows into the sunlight can feel amazing, you get used to it and let the crack get a little bit bigger each day and then before you know it, the walls are starting to crumble. The strength of the sunlight becomes addictive and yet you fear, the cloud of pain will return and you’ll retreat into the shadows of the walls when they are rebuilt.
Oh my fucking god, isn’t that a truly sad way to live? What power does the person who fucked us over have, even after such a lengthy time, to stop us from living our lives.
“A life lived in fear is a life have lived”
How true is that!
How sad is it, that if we meet someone and take the chance of letting them in we have to tell them “If I let you in, please don’t destroy me”
How annoying and incredibly frustrating is it that we have to find a way to live our lives with this much insecurity in ourselves?
Why can’t we just say ” This is who I am. I love me enough not to be destroyed if you reject me”
And when you have been on your own for so long, why do not trust people?
why do we think they are only after us for something to benefit them?
why do we think we can’t possibly be enough?
because somewhere down the line in the past, some fucker destroyed you. They took all your wishes and dreams and crushed them. they made you feel like shit on their shoe. They watched you spiral into a depression, while knowing they were the cause and didn’t stop. they watched, they taunted, they manipulated, they hurt you.
How do we come back from that? All our confidence, self esteem, self worth, love, happiness, joy of who you are was left in ashes as they stood back and watched you burn.
That isn’t love. That’s hell.
So you get the power to leave.
and if you are in the process of getting out of a shitty relationship, let me tell you this.
YOU ARE AMAZING!!!!
You are putting yourself first, you’re strong, fighting for yourself, Stand on your own two feet planted firmly into the ground. Be PROUD!!!
HE tells me all the time about how he wants to meet someone & it’s not just about sex. The more I talk to HIM about what HE is after I realise I’m coming to the stage of my journey where I want that too.
I want a man.
Ladies, I know you fight for equality and woman’s power etc and yes you should do that for sure, But i’m fucking old school.
I want a man.
I want a man that will open the door for me and smack my ass
I want a man that will pull my chair out for me when I sit down
I want a man that will look at me as if i’m his whole world.
I want to be a woman that will treat her man like a king.
I want to feed my man. I want to create a home for my man.
I want to support him as much as he supports me. I want a man to give me incredible hugs when I need them or just because.
I want a man to love me. for my sarky personality, my quirks and flaws, I want a man to love me for my stretch marks because they show I’ve made life, carried it and brought it into the world, I want him to cup my face and give me forehead kisses, I need him to see all my wobbly bits and know that i’m real. flawed but real. I need him to see that i’m “perfect” because my arms can hug him when he needs comfort. my lips can kiss his. my shoulders are there to support him, my hands can hold his so he knows he’s not alone, my legs can make me stand tall and proud of all his achievements. my feet will walk beside his together through life and my eyes will show him my unconditional love when words cannot express it.
I know what I bring to the table, I know the person I am, I know I have so much love to give yet I live in the fear that I am not enough. I will be rejected and I’d rather push people away than let them in. because that pain, I can control. Isn’t that fucking sad????
This is what I want. This is the man I want. More than a soulmate, he’s got to be my TEAM MATE!
HE is my best friend. HE makes me sit back and think about what I want in my life, who I want in my life and although we’ll never be together, I can only hope I find a guy that makes me feel like HE does and wants me just as much. I hope he knows that I’m HIS best friend, soul mate and TEAM MATE…. If he just puts up with my shit and climbs the damn walls, because for fuck sake, I’m worth it!
I hate the pity party for one.
I hate how the emotions are just going around and around and my mood is affected.
I wish I was a better human but i’m just me. I’m not a gorgeous model, I’m not high maintenance beauty. I’m just your every day girl whose been hurt and locked herself away and now wants to find someone who will be there for her. I’m tired of fighting life on my own. I just want to be happy and share the rest of my life with someone.
Fuck, Don’t I sound needy and clingy.
yeah maybe I do, but it’s real.
I’m dealing with it.